Terence Pratchett - Going Postal

But he’d gone too far this time. Oh, it’d be no great shame to admit that a coach and horses couldn’t travel at a thousand miles an hour, but Gilt would strut about it and the Post Office would remain just a little, old-fashioned thing, behind the times, small, unable to compete. Gilt would find some way to hold on to the Grand Trunk, cutting even more corners, killing people out of greed—

‘Are You All Right, Mr Lipvig?’ said the golem behind him.

Moist stared into his own eyes, and what flickered in the depths.

Oh, boy.

‘You Have Cut Yourself, Mr Lipvig,’ said Mr Pump. ‘Mr Lipvig?’

Shame I missed my throat, Moist thought. But that was a secondary thought, edging past the big dark one now unfolding in the mirror.

Look into the abyss and you’ll see something growing, reaching towards the light. It whispered: Do this. This will work. Trust me.

Oh, boy. It’s a plan that will work, Moist thought. It’s simple and deadly, like a razor. But it’d need an unprincipled man to even think about it.

No problem there, then.

I’ll kill you, Mr Gilt. I’ll kill you in our special way, the way of the weasel and cheat and liar. I’ll take away everything but your life. I’ll take away your money, your reputation and your friends. I’ll spin words around you until you’re cocooned in them. I’ll leave you nothing, not even hope…

He carefully finished shaving, and wiped the remnant of the foam off his chin. There was not, in truth, that much blood.

‘I think I could do with a hearty breakfast, Mr Pump,’ he said. ‘And then I have a few things to do. In the meantime, can you please find me a broomstick? A proper birch besom? And then paint some stars on the handle?’

The makeshift counters were crowded when Moist went down, but the bustle stopped when he entered the hall. Then a cheer went up. He nodded and waved cheerfully, and was immediately surrounded by people waving envelopes. He did his best to sign them all.

‘A lot o’ extra mail for Genua, sir!’ Mr Groat exulted, pushing his way through the crowd. ‘Never seen a day like it, never!’

‘Jolly good, well done,’ Moist murmured.

‘And the mail for the gods has gone right up, too!’ Groat continued.

‘Pleased to hear it, Mr Groat,’ said Moist.

‘We’ve got the first Sto Lat stamps, sir!’ said Stanley, waving a couple of sheets above his head. ‘The early sheets are covered in flaws, sir!’

‘I’m very happy for you,’ said Moist. ‘But I’ve got to go and prepare a few things.’

‘Aha, yes!’ said Mr Groat, winking.’ “A few things”, eh? Just as you say, sir. Stand aside, please, Postmaster coming through!’

Groat more or less pushed customers out of the way as Moist, trying to avoid the people who wanted him to kiss babies or were trying to grab a scrap of his suit for luck, made it out into the fresh air.

Then he kept to the back streets, and found a place that did a very reasonable Double Soss, Egg, Bacon and Fried Slice, in the hope that food could replace sleep.

It was all getting out of hand. People were putting out bunting and setting up stalls in Sator Square. The huge floating crowd that was the street population of Ankh-Morpork ebbed and flowed around the city, and tonight it would contract to form a mob in the square, and could be sold things.

Finally he plucked up his courage and headed for the Golem Trust. It was closed. A bit more graffiti had been added to the strata that now covered the boarded-up window. It was just above knee-level and said, in crayon: ‘Golms are Made of pOo.’ It was good to see the fine old traditions of idiot bigotry being handed down, in a no-good-at-all kind of way.

Dolly Sisters, he thought wildly, staying with an aunt. Did she ever mention the aunt’s name?

He ran in that direction.

Dolly Sisters had once been a village, before the sprawl had rolled over it; its residents still considered themselves apart from the rest of the city, with their own customs - Dog Turd Monday, Up Needles All - and almost their own language. Moist didn’t know it at all. He pushed his way through the narrow lanes, looking around desperately for— what? A column of smoke?

Actually, that wasn’t a bad idea…

He reached the house eight minutes later, and hammered on the door. To his relief, she opened it, and stared at him.

She said: ‘How?’

He said: ‘Tobacconists. Not many women around here have a hundred-a-day habit.’

‘Well, what do you want, Mr Clever?’

‘If you help me, I can take Gilt for everything he’s got,’ said Moist. ‘Help me. Please? On my honour as a totally untrustworthy man?’

That at least got a brief smile, to be replaced almost immediately by the default expression of deep suspicion. Then some inner struggle resolved itself.

‘You’d better come into the parlour,’ she said, opening the door all the way.

That room was small, dark and crowded with respectability. Moist sat on the edge of a chair, trying not to disturb anything, while he strained to hear women’s voices along the hallway. Then Miss Dearheart slipped in and shut the door behind her.

‘I hope this is all right with your family,’ said Moist. ‘I—’

‘I told them we were courting,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘That’s what parlours are for. The tears of joy and hope in my mother’s eyes were a sight to see. Now, what do you want?’

‘Tell me about your father,’ said Moist. ‘I’ve got to know how the Grand Trunk was taken over. Have you still got any paperwork?’

‘It won’t do any good. A lawyer looked at it and said it would be very hard to make a case—’

‘I intend to appeal to a higher court,’ said Moist.

‘I mean, we can’t prove a lot of things, not actually prove —’ Miss Dearheart protested.

‘I don’t have to,’ said Moist.

‘The lawyer said it would take months and months of work to—’ she went on, determined to find a snag.

‘I’ll make someone else pay for it,’ said Moist. ‘Have you got books? Ledgers? Anything like that?’

‘What are you intending to do?’ Miss Dearheart demanded.

‘It’s better if you don’t know. It really is. I know what I’m doing, Spike. But you shouldn’t.’

‘Well, there’s a big box of papers,’ said Miss Dearheart uncertainly. ‘I suppose I could just sort of… leave it in here while I’m tidying up… ’

‘Good.’

‘But can I trust you?’

‘On this? My gods, no! Your father trusted Gilt, and look what happened! I wouldn’t trust me if I was you. But I would if I was me.’

‘The funny thing is, Mr Lipwig, that I find myself trusting you all the more when you tell me how untrustworthy you are,’ said Miss Dearheart.

Moist sighed. ‘Yes, I know, Spike. Wretched, isn’t it? It’s a people thing. Could you fetch the box, please?’

She did so, with a puzzled frown.

It took all afternoon and even then Moist wasn’t sure, but he’d filled a small notebook with scribbles. It was like looking for piranhas in a river choked with weeds. There were a lot of bones on the bottom. But, although sometimes you thought you’d glimpsed a flash of silver, you could never be sure you’d seen a fish. The only way to be certain was to jump in.

By half past four Sator Square was packed.

The wonderful thing about the golden suit and the hat with wings was that, if Moist took them off, he wasn’t him any more. He was just a nondescript person with unmemorable clothes and a face you might vaguely think you’d seen before.

He wandered through the crowd, heading towards the Post Office. No one gave him a second glance. Most didn’t bother with a first glance. In a way he’d never realized until now, he was alone. He’d always been alone. It was the only way to be safe.