Hugh Cook - The Witchlord and the Weaponmaster

While Sken-Pitilkin went to work on the airship problem,

Plandruk Qinplaqus was exerting his talents to resolve Guest Gulkan's woman shortage, with the result that the Frangoni warrior Asodo Hatch shortly introduced his sister Penelope to young Guest, and suggested that they would make a good match in marriage.

Since the woman Penelope was a handsome wench built to generous specifications Guest promptly agreed that marriage would be a very good idea.

So it was that Guest Gulkan was wed to Penelope Flute, to the general satisfaction of all concerned.

Some women might have had reservations about marrying a man whose arms and legs were currently no larger than those of a baby, but Asodo Hatch explained to his sister that Guest Gulkan's condition was due to the fact that he had been born as a fish, and had only lately begun to evolve into a human being. Since Penelope was a dedicated Evolutionist, she believed this without reservation, and was excited and fascinated to be presented with living proof of the Evolutionary theory which had long been preached to her by her personal guru.

Of course the story of Guest Gulkan's fish-to-man transition was a patent tissue of nonsense, as indeed is the whole of the Evolutionary heresy. As everyone with the faintest acquaintance with human history knows full well, there has never been any firm historical evidence to indicate that spontaneous organic transmogrification takes place, for all that tens of thousands of Evolutionists believe in it fervently. In the whole of human history there has never been so much as one single Evolutionist who has ever been able to produce either a grandparent or a grandchild or any other relative who has spontaneously made the transformation to fish, lizard, dog, cat, cow or budgerigar.

Furthermore, it can be stated with confidence that no Evolutionist ever will be able to thus match proof to theory.

Admittedly, a change in organic form can be effected by the application of sufficient Power, and this can be done by either occult resource or by sophisticated machinery. But this is difficult. Very difficult. So difficult that the idea of a species-to-species shift occurring naturally must surely be seen as the absurdity it is.

Despite the passion with which Evolutionists defend their ideas, the whole basis of Evolutionary theory is irredeemably flawed, for the world we live in is simply not possessed of the massive instability which would be necessary for Evolutionary processes to take place.

The truth of the matter is that Evolution never takes place in our day-to-day world, but instead is restricted to the World Beyond, those realms of almost infinitely flexible improbability where gods, demons and devils have their existence. Unlike us, the entities of the World Beyond are not bound to brute matter and the mundane flesh, and hence they are capable of evolving, and do so on a regular basis, and with alarming regularity.

Again, the proof of this is to be found in human history, for the same history which demonstrates that humans have never evolved also serves to demonstrate that the gods are in a state of constant flux. There is not one god known to the human race which has remained stable in its form for so short a time as recorded history; and many are the gods which have radically altered their shapes, powers and attributes in a generation or less.

While the World Beyond is doubtless the site of the most promiscuously fevered Evolution imaginable, Penelope Flute was in error when she believed Evolutionary instability to be a property of the world in which she lived. However, Guest made no attempt to argue her out of her ridiculous beliefs – for the simple and sufficient reason that they had no language in common.

For want of the language of the tongue, Guest and Penelope had to rely much on the language of the flesh, and here they came to swift agreement, so that the buxom Penelope was often to be found sitting astride her champion, thrashing and screaming as she soared toward the crest of her pleasure. Guest had never before met a woman who thrashed and screamed, for the females with whom he had previously mated had lacked

Penelope's taste for melodrama; and he was flattered by the whole performance, quite failing to recognize that a full nine tenths of it was pure theater.

But, though Guest and his beloved were satisfied in bed, and though they did not argue, it would not be true to say that their marital relationship was entirely harmonious. For one thing, Guest disliked the uninhibited manner in which Penelope would grab hold of his ears in the course of her physical raptures. Not only did she grab them: she was inclined to haul upon them as she forgot herself in her climax, as if anchoring herself to these prominent aspects of reality lest ecstasy claim her forever. Her fingernails were inclined to bite into the flesh as she hauled on it, and the combined effect of all this abuse was that Guest, in his hours of detumescence, usually felt as if he had been attacked by a pack of homicidal man-eating crabs. Guest also wished that sometimes, just sometimes, he could have been left alone with his thoughts, for as their relationship progressed it seemed that Penelope spent virtually the entire course of every day and night at his bedside.

He often wondered why she never went out into the city.

The reason why Penelope never went out into the city was that her life would have been endangered had she wandered the streets of Dalar ken Halvar, for the Nexus religion known as Nu-chala-nuth was in the ascendant in that city, and its ascendancy was accompanied by the systematic slaughter of every Evolutionist who could be caught.

Since the Frangoni warrior Asodo Hatch was a priest of Nuchala-nuth, he should by rights have murdered his sister himself, but instead he had chosen to bury her in the Combat College.

While thus buried alive inside the minor mountain of Cap Foz Para Lash, Penelope had nothing to do except sit with her husband and watch entertainment shows sourced in the Nexus, which played endlessly on a screen which took up one whole wall of Guest Gulkan's room.

The shows Guest Gulkan favored were those featuring the Wild Tribes, a set of barbaric peoples whose lives were a non-stop drama of war, conquest, killing, fighting, looting, pillage, rape, torture, arson and orgies. Guest was particularly interested in the orgies, and found that he had much to learn. The Yarglat had a very high opinion of themselves, and Guest had always been very proud of himself and his people, but soon he realized that the Yarglat were a dull and conservative people compared to the Wild Tribes. One of the Wild Tribes was given to staging huge orgies in which ten thousand people at a time grappled promiscuously in a gigantic vat of ripe strawberries while cheering spectators pelted them with handfuls of rose petals.

Once Guest's baby-sized hand was strong enough and skilled enough to manipulate the bedside controls which commanded the entertainment screen, he replayed this particular orgy repeatedly, and vowed that he would strive to match this achievement of the Wild Tribes as soon as he had mastered the Collosnon Empire to his will.

Yes, Guest still hoped to be emperor.

He hoped to defeat Khmar, to conquer Gendormargensis, to install himself on the ruling throne of Tameran, and to establish a dynasty that would rule the Collosnon Empire for generations.

While the difficulties of conquering the Collosnon Empire from a bed based in Dalar ken Halvar proved insuperable, Guest thought he should at least be able to set about producing a dynasty. It is said amongst the Yarglat that a warrior needs ten sons and an emperor needs twenty; and Guest, knowing that his planned war against Khmar might well be long and bloody, suspected that twenty might be barely sufficient for his purposes.