Hugh Cook - The Witchlord and the Weaponmaster

Yet as Guest's body began to heal, and as his arms and legs began their slow regrowth under the subtle tutelage of the demon of the mountain, his dreams slowly changed; and more and more he dreamt of women rather than of war.

In his dreams he imagined Yerzerdayla, her hair flowing around his ribs, her mouth nourishing his strength, her lips swallowing pearls, her heat-warmth perfume blossoming around her, her whispers hot with admiration, and her unlimited delights matching his ardor.

Thus Guest began to heal, body and mind; and as time went on he had long sessions with Hostaja Sken-Pitilkin, who thought this an excellent opportunity to re-inspire young Guest with a love of the irregular verbs. Much of their time together was given to arguing over precisely what animal it was which had mauled Guest Gulkan in the arena at Chi'ash-lan.

"It was a bear," said Guest, and he said it not once but repeatedly.

"That was no bear," said sagacious Sken-Pitilkin. "That was a mink."

"Not so," said Guest. "A mink is a small animal which bites, and as punishment for its temperament is commonly made into gloves. Or coats, if the man is fool enough and the woman nags long enough."

"There is a Great Mink which is like unto the lesser minks in its temperament," said Sken-Pitilkin, "and which also bit, just as it bit you. It was the Great Mink you met, and not any kind of bear."

But Guest Gulkan was firmly decided. If one is going to be mauled, then it is better for one's honor to be mauled by a bear than a mink, and so in defiance of zoological science he proclaimed his assailant to have been a bear. Though in truth the Great Mink of the snows of the Cold West is a bloodier monster than any bear, for your average bear is bent on grubs and honey, or has its mind on fish, whereas the Great Mink hunts with deadly purpose, and will as lief hunt men as any lesser game.

So Guest Gulkan was a fool to dispute his tutor's wisdom. But Sken-Pitilkin was not distressed at this folly. Rather, it was a relief to see the young man coming into possession of some spark of life.

When Guest had been some months recovering, he had the first of his formal audiences with Plandruk Qinplaqus, lord of the Empire of Greater Parengarenga.

"Is there anything you need?" said the Lord of the Silver Pelican.

"Yes!" said Guest. "To get out of here!"

"That you will not be doing for some years," said Qinplaqus.

"Years!" said Guest in dismay.

"It will take that long for your arms and legs to regrow," said Qinplaqus.

Then Guest was greatly distressed, for he had not realized that his confinement was to be thus extended.

In truth, the young Weaponmaster Guest was prodigiously lucky to have the favor of Plandruk Qinplaqus, and to have the demon of the mountain of Cap Foz Para Lash dedicated to his cure, for it was only in that one mountain of Dalar ken Halvar that the arms and legs of a multiple amputee could possibly be restored to their strength.

But Guest was a poor invalid, and became increasingly importunate and demanding, saying that at least one of his limbs was still in perfect working order, and hence he should surely – if it was at all possible, and surely it was – be provided with some suitable terrain in which that single limb could be exercised.

Upon which the venerable Plandruk Qinplaqus indulgently declared that he would choose out a wife for the boy Guest.

"A wife!" said Guest in alarm. "I said nothing about getting married!"

"But you were talking of a woman, were you not?" said Plandruk Qinplaqus.

"Why, yes," said Guest. "But a woman is not a wife, or need not be. Get me a woman, that's all that I want."

"Am I a pimp, that I should get you a whore?" said Plandruk

Qinplaqus.

"As I am the son of an emperor," said Guest warmly, "it should be an honor for you to pimp for me."

At which sally, Qinplaqus shook with laughter until his belly almost burst; for it had been several centuries since the venerable Ashdan had encountered anyone with Guest's degree of impudence.

And after some negotiation it was at last agreed between them that Qinplaqus would not pimp out a whore for young Guest, since pimping was beneath the dignity of an emperor; but that Qinplaqus would diligently quest out a wife for Guest, and (with luck) find him a woman who would be happy to take him to bed even though his arms were but buds peeping from stumps.

A tall order, one might think!

But Plandruk Qinplaqus was great in power and knowledge, and knew his people well, and already had a wifely candidate in mind.

Name: Penelope Flute.

Birthplace: Dalar ken Halvar.

Occupation: priestess of an Evolutionary cult.

Status: large-scale debtor.

Description: woman of Frangoni race, built to a truly magnificent scale.

Hobby: macrame Quote: "Why do men always get the good things?"

During his sojourn inside the minor mountain of Cap Foz Para Lash, Guest Gulkan was often in contact with the demon which ran the place, the demon which went by the name of Paraban Senk. This demon never manifested itself in the flesh, preferring to restrict its manifestations to a face on a screen.

While the Weaponmaster Guest Gulkan was in no great hurry to learn the Secret of Secrets and the Wisdom of Wisdom from a face on a screen which called itself Paraban Senk, the wizard Sken-Pitilkin was much more forward in having dealings with this entity. Sken-Pitilkin was long in discourse with Paraban Senk; allowed himself to be interrogated by Senk; and did some intense and detailed questioning of his own. To Sken-Pitilkin, Paraban Senk explained many things, including the secret of the Chasm Gates and the nature of the Nexus; though most of what Senk said was so frankly incredible that Sken-Pitilkin gave it precious little credence.

Nevertheless, while Sken-Pitilkin thought Senk to be for the most part a deluded confabulator, the wizard of Skatzabratzumon still thought it worthwhile to appraise Paraban Senk of a suggestion once made by the Great God Jocasta – namely, that airflight could be made a possibility through management of the sustained destruction of abnormal artefacts exposed to the normalizing effects of the universe. Sken-Pitilkin then told Senk of the long and danger-fraught process of experimentation which had resulted from this suggestion.

"So you actually got airborne?" said Senk.

"Twice," said Sken-Pitilkin.

"And lived to tell the tale?" said Senk in amazement.

"Unless I died and was casually reincarnated without noticing the fact," said Sken-Pitilkin.

"Tell me the details," said Senk.

"The first flight was from the island of Ema-Urk," said Sken-Pitilkin. "That's an island in the Swelaway Sea. We flew to the mountains of Ibsen-Iktus, where Guest's brother Eljuk Zala met the wizard Ontario Nol, to whom he is now apprenticed."

"And the second?"

"The second flight was from Locontareth," said Sken-Pitilkin.

"We didn't get as far that time. I levitated the roof of a hall and flew it to the outskirts of the city where I, ah, landed it.

Crashed it, to be honest."

Then Senk took Sken-Pitilkin through a jolt-by-jolt recapitulation of those flights, after which Senk did a great many calculations, ultimately working out how Sken-Pitilkin could harness the powers of destructive magic to make a functional airship.

"This is how," said Paraban Senk, at last displaying upon a screen an illustration of something that looked like an overgrown bird's nest.

"Why," said Sken-Pitilkin, "it looks like a bird's nest."

"So it does, so it does," said Senk. "But I think it will work regardless."

Then, acting on Senk's detailed instructions, the sagacious wizard Hostaja Sken-Pitilkin began to build a functional airship on some flat land by the Yamoda River.