William Bernhardt - Strip search

She smiled a little, not much, and her head fell lightly on her arms resting on the table. Her eyes seemed to go into soft focus, as if concentrating on something far far away.

"I would've been a good mother," she said quietly, tears suddenly filling her eyes.

I took her hand and squeezed it as tightly as I could. "I know."

Darcy hated crowds, but I made sure every available body in the whole damn police force was there, just the same. And I made sure Chief O'Bannon was the one who made the presentation.

"Darcy O'Bannon," the chief said, clearing his throat. He hated giving speeches in front of crowds, which was another reason I made sure as many people as possible were present. "In commendation for your public service, and in recognition of your outstanding acts of courage and personal bravery, I am pleased to award you the LVPD's Citation of Honor, which is"-his voice choked-"which is the highest civilian award we have." He wrapped the medal around Darcy's neck (Darcy only writhed slightly), and shook his hand. "Congratulations, son."

The crowd burst into applause. Tony, Jodie, even Granger. They cheered and gave him a round of "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow." Darcy looked as if he didn't really know what was happening, and I suppose in a way, he didn't. But I also think that in a way, he did.

"And about that civilian business." The chief shuffled his feet, stared at the floor, then continued. "I am pleased to inform you that your-your application to the Las Vegas Police Academy has been accepted. You start next month."

Darcy's eyes widened. This part he understood. "But-B-B-But-" He took a deep breath and started again. "But I did not make an application to the police academy."

His father placed his hand gently under Darcy's chin, forcing him, just this once, to make eye contact. "I did it for you."

Well, this called for a celebration. I joined Darcy and about a thousand other cops at Grady's after the ceremony, but he was devoting too much time to me. This was his chance to learn that he had other friends on the police force, friends who might be useful to him in the days ahead. And I knew I was going to see him tomorrow.

And I had a ceremony of my own to perform. Not quite as fancy as cracking a bottle of champagne over the masthead of a ship, but still nice in its own way.

I poured several bottles of pills into the toilet.

I hadn't used any of them in more than a week. The exercise was mostly symbolic. But it meant something to me.

I would never know for certain. Esther was smart, clever, the exact antithesis of what you expect a serial killer to be. Maybe I wouldn't have made her anyway. But with my natural gifts suppressed, with my brain doped to the gills, I had no chance of recognizing her for what she was.

And then she killed four more people. Including Amelia.

I would never make that mistake again.

In Amelia's memory, I pulled the coffee table she bought me out of the bathroom and brought it downstairs. I looked at my old table, with its preposterous chewed-up leg, scratched and clawed surface, one last time.

"So let me see if I have this straight. The dog died. But you kept the table he ruined?"

David gave me that smile, the big one, the one I could never resist. "I loved that dog."

"He chewed up your table!" We were newlyweds. I was more concerned about material possessions back then.

"But he was still a great dog. Helped me through the toughest years of a tough adolescence. Didn't matter what I did. Gabby was always there for me. And what did he ask in return? Nothing. A little food and water every now and again, that's all. His love was unconditional." He paused, then gazed at me with those endless baby blues of his. "Love like that is hard to find."

"Don't I know it."

"When Gabby died, I was so…depressed. I can't describe it to you. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. Even when I started functioning again-I wasn't really functioning. The hurt was always with me. I couldn't get over the loss. Thought I'd never stop being sad." He raised my hand to his lips and kissed it. "But I did, in time. Eventually-you have to move on. You know what I mean?"

Yes, David, I thought, as I carried the old table out to the Dumpster. I know what you mean.

Later that night, after I crawled into my jammies and turned out the lights, I reached toward my alarm clock And found the four-leaf clover. I squeezed it tightly.

There he was.

He wasn't really there, of course. But I could smell him. I could taste him. I could even…feel him, in a way. He was real to me. Back where he belonged.

Tonight, one last time, we were going to spend the night together. And then it would be time to move on. "MY GOD, these are heavy," I said, as I tossed the U-Haul box onto the sofa. "I'm a strong girl, but I'm going to need some serious rehabilitative therapy after this move is over. Maybe an all-day massage."

"I think that maybe you should rest for a minute," Darcy said. "You sit on the sofa and I will get the rest of them."

"There are hundreds of them!"

He thought a moment. "It might be more than a minute. Would you like to watch television?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "What's in all these boxes, anyway?"

"Books!"

"Of course. Stupid me."

"Do you mean that you do not like books?"

"No. But there's nothing on earth heavier to move."

"I think a home without books would not really be a home. And I have never had a home. I mean, a home away from home, I mean-"

"I know what you mean." Moving into an apartment, away from his father, for the first time in his twenty-six-year-old life was hard enough on him. I wasn't going to traumatize him any further by making him do anything so demanding as speaking coherently. "Sit down with me for a minute, buddy." He sat at the end of the sofa, near my feet. "Have I mentioned how proud of you I am?"

"No. Does this mean you are going to adopt me?"

"Darcy." I gave him my straight talk look. "You don't need anyone to adopt you. You can take care of yourself." He looked so stricken, I felt compelled to add, "Of course, it's always good to have friends. And I will always be your friend."

"Friends?"

"Friends. And believe me-there's nothing in the world more important."

He was trying hard not to appear disappointed, but he wasn't exactly the master of deception, much less of his emotions. "I think that you would like me more if I were not so weird."

"Darcy, you're not weird."

"I am. You know I am and I know I am. I am not…normal."

I wouldn't patronize him by arguing. "Darcy…if God made you different-"

"I thought you didn't believe in God."

I took a deep breath and started again. "If God made you different, it was for a reason. I mean-hell, He makes us all different. And for a reason. With all our great obstacles come great gifts. The trick is to learn how to overcome the obstacles. So you can take advantage of the gifts. That's what you're learning to do. Better than me. Better than anyone I've known in my entire life."

He rubbed his hands together and stared at his feet. "I still wish that I were normal. I think you would like me better if I were normal."

"Darcy, if you were normal-whatever the hell that is-we would never have caught Esther. And I'd be dead."

That seemed to get through to him. His head rose. His eyes brightened. I could see the wheels turning once again. "I am glad that you are not dead." He turned toward me and gave me something perilously close to direct eye contact. "Maybe it is okay to not be normal."

"It's more than okay, Darcy." I leaned over and gave him a big bear hug, whether he liked it or not. "I wouldn't have you any other way."