Sarah Sparrow - A Guide for Murdered Children

“I know Ronnie and Elaine would love to see you.”

He could tell she wasn’t up for it, and respected that.

“I should call them,” she said, chastising herself. “Poor Elaine! Mom said that you went to see them?”

“I did.”

“How are they? I mean, now. How are they doing?”

“Better. I think they’re better.”

“When they disappeared… I never really talked to you about it. It was like—like nothing made sense anymore. That’s when I got into drugs, I mean heavily. I couldn’t handle it.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“There wasn’t anything you could have done, Dad. I was totally shut off. And it’s okay . Sometimes shit just gets fixed by itself—or not. I had to go through what I had to go through.”

“Glad you made it out the other side, kid,” he said, aware that he was echoing Roy Eakins’s words to him about Grundy. They hugged. When she responded with “I’m glad we all did,” he thought he detected the Look: I still need you so don’t go and do something stupid now that you don’t have a fucking job. Maybe he was just reading into it.

“The one who died—” she said again.

“Deputy Doheny.”

“Owen said that his girlfriend disappeared? The other cop?”

“She did. Lydia Molloy.”

“What happened ?”

“We still don’t know. She’s AWOL. The media doesn’t know that yet, by the way.”

“What do you think happened?”

“Personally? I think she was so busted up about Danny that she may have… gone off somewhere to self-harm.”

“Oh my God. It’s like some horrible Greek tragedy , right? Someone needs to make a movie about it.”

“Too soon,” he said, with a smile.

“Who do you think should play you?”

“Well, I love Tommy Lee Jones.”

“Tommy Lee Jones is like a hundred years old . ”

“Bradley Cooper? It’s been said there’s a very close resemblance.”

That made her laugh and she hugged him again—the best medicine.

They sat around the picnic table and dug into their lunches.

His ex put his girlfriend right beside her and Willow appreciated the gesture. Dixie talked to all comers, sharing funny RN anecdotes. (Addie had a few of her own.) She was good at listening too.

“I wish we could delete the last few weeks,” sighed Adelaide during a lull. “We just lost someone dear to us at the hospital—a volunteer. As if the month hadn’t been shitty enough.”

“Oh?” said Willow.

“Annie Ballendine. I introduced you at the fund-raiser.”

“Was she the one,” said Willow, playing dumb, “you called the World’s Greatest Volunteer?”

“That’s right. And she was .”

“Helluva lady,” said Owen. It occurred to him to share the moment he had with Ms. Ballendine at the SRO—and the odd coincidence of her intersection with Honeychile—but thought it best not to revisit. “Annie the Unforgettable. A kind and selfless woman.”

“Oh, but I didn’t tell you!” said Adelaide, in a burst of enthusiasm. “I think we actually may have a challenger .”

“To the World’s Greatest?” said Willow.

“Uh huh ,” she said, smiling cryptically.

“I strongly doubt that,” said Owen. “Unless ol’ Dubya’s planning to join up. Now that he’s got some time on his hands.”

“Very funny,” said Willow.

“Don’t go all sensitive, Dub,” winked the sheriff.

“You will not believe who I’m talking about,” said Adelaide.

“A celebrity?” said Pace. “They’re always volunteering at hospitals, right? For, like, ten seconds? ”

“Nope—not a celeb. Though actually kind of, I take that back!” She paused for dramatic flair. “Elaine Rummer.”

“No!” said Pace.

“Elaine?” said Willow.

“That’s right. She came to see me and it was a complete surprise. Said she didn’t want to stay at home anymore stewing in her juices. Said she wanted to work with troubled teens in lockdown—kids who had tried to kill themselves. ‘As you may know, that’s my specialty.’ That’s word for word what she said. I forgot how sweet and funny Elaine is. And it was so touching because she said that her biggest concern was how she looked—the scars on her face. Which really aren’t so bad. I mean, they’re not great but it’s not as bad as they were in my head. She said she’d understand if I had to turn her down because she didn’t want to frighten the kids. I signed her up on the spot.”

“Wow. Wow. That’s great, Addie,” said Willow.

“Mom, that is so amazing ,” said Pace.

“That certainly is an interesting turn of events,” said Owen.

“You know,” said Adelaide. “They always talk about closure, how there never can be ‘closure’— you guys always talk about it. You’re always saying you don’t believe in it, that closure doesn’t exist. And maybe it doesn’t… But I want to tell you, there was something about Elaine that I still can’t put my finger on.”

“I heard they got religion,” said Owen.

“It’s more than that. You’ve seen her, Willow. Do you know what I’m saying? Did you notice anything different?”

“Not really.”

“It was like she was glowing, from the inside . That make any sense? Oh, I know she’s had her ‘problems,’ her mental issues—who wouldn’t have. But this wasn’t that , you know, it wasn’t mania, or whatever. It was something else. I felt different just being in her presence. Maybe finally finding out what happened to her kids gave her that. Maybe closure is real.”

When they were leaving, Adelaide held him back while Dixie said her goodbyes. She squeezed his arm.

“I absolutely didn’t think I’d be saying this,” she said, “but your girlfriend’s kinda awesome.”

“Glad you approve,” he said.

“Try not to fuck it up, Dubya. That one’s a keeper.”

3.

It was dusk when they got back. Dixie briefly came over, then wanted to go home and change. She left her purse.

He couldn’t describe the unwelcome shift in her mood but felt the darkness descend in more ways than one. He remembered having the same feeling at the end of certain love affairs, when both parties had the terrible realization that they only came alive for show, around other people. It spooked him, but he powered through—too late to change course.

When she returned, he sat her down on the sofa and told her he had something important to say. Instead of waiting for him to speak, she looked at the wall and said, “You painted it over… how come?”

He shrugged and said, “Guess it’s time for something new.”

“But I liked it,” she said petulantly.

“You might like what’s coming better.”

The innuendo didn’t register. “I really had fun today. Your wife and daughter are so smart! And so gorgeous —they don’t look anything like you, ” she said drolly.

“She’s not my wife, Dix.”

“Oops! I guess what I meant was, once you have a kid together you’re kind of in it for life.”

“Dixie—” He knew it was going to come out a mess but none of that mattered. “Look, what I want to say—what I wanted to tell you is that I love you and care about you—”

“I know that . Love you too, Willow.”

“—and I know I’m an old guy, but what I wanted to say is… that I want to be with you until the lights go out.”

“The lights?”

“For the rest of my life.”

“‘Until the lights go out’!” she said exuberantly. “That is so corny .”