Walter Greatshell - Apocalypse blues

Perhaps because those first days were so uncomfortable, so full of head bumps, stair-climbing, and sleeping on hard floors, the awesome vessel quickly lost its mystique and became the "Motherfuckin' torture chamber of Jacques Cous teau," as Tyrell put it. But everyone took care not to grumble in the presence of the Navy people, who were understandably touchy and more than willing-in fact eager-to send anyone ashore who wanted to go.

That was illustrated during one of our meager meals, when a group of kids began clamoring for seconds. They were the guys my mother would have called MABs-More Attitude Than Brains. It had already been explained to everyone that provisions were low and never intended to feed so many, but accepting this in the abstract and being faced with half a cup of grits, a slice of bacon, and a spoonful of fruit cocktail as the big meal of the day were two different things. Their complaints ignored, the boys started throwing the extremely short supply of dishes and silverware overboard.

As the strike began to spread, the volunteer cooks (of whom I was one), were told to clear an area of deck, then stood by while Robles and a gorilla-chested officer named Alton Webb quickly inflated a large rubber boat. The vandalism subsided as this strange activity progressed. Then Webb took long-handled prongs and gleefully began stalking the crowd. "Who's going?" he challenged. "Come on! Who's not happy? Speak up!"

This went on for an agonizing twenty minutes, as he singled out the ringleaders and made them beg to stay aboard. By the end I thought he had carried it a bit too far-they were groveling worms, puking in fear. I even felt sorry for the hairnet boy, Mitch, who got clobbered for mouthing off.

At last they were put to work stowing the raft, cleaning the deck, and washing the remaining dishes in buckets of seawater. They were very careful.

As the days went by, the number of people above dwindled, beginning with those who were ill or otherwise thought to be at risk from exposure. After sleeping both indoors and out, I actually found camping on deck to be preferable, not least because it was softer-the hull was slightly padded with rubber to make the boat stealthy-but also because by the fourth night it was a regular jamboree, with strings of Christmas lights, makeshift tents, hot-water showers, outhouses, and plenty of headroom.

A semblance of privacy finally became possible. The top secret bales and boxes going over the side were raided for building supplies: cardboard and plastic for shelters; mattresses of bubble wrap or foam rubber; Styrofoam hobo furniture. Stacks of blast-hardened laptop computers were passed around like party favors.

I did feel kind of bad about all this, as if we were doing something that could never be undone, but that was like saying our survival mattered less than a lot of blueprints and widgets and technical manuals.

And the view up top was better. Looking at the serene shores of Narragansett Bay, I did not feel so encroached upon by the apocalypse. There was no visible destruction, just the ever-changing panorama of water, sky, and house-dotted landscape as the tides lazily swung the boat on its anchor chain. Gulls were always present, but we also saw cormorants and even fat white swans. Life seemed to be going on.

I was not exactly "one of the guys" but Hector and Julian made me welcome in their clique, though it was obvious that my presence cramped their style. I'm sure it was a relief to them that I spent most of my free time catching up on Submarines 101, using materials Robles made available to me. Such technical material had never interested me before; perhaps I'd simply never had the incentive. Suddenly it was fiction I couldn't bear. There were DVDs for everything, and that terabyte-chomping military laptop was a welcome change from my old funky Pack ard Bell, still loaded with Windows 95. When I wasn't learning acronyms, I was helping Mr. Noteiro or Mr. Monte prepare and serve the twice-daily civilian ration.

At night there was a lot of prayer, hymn-singing, and purging of grief. Just about everyone on board was either Catholic or Baptist. As an agnostic, I refrained from joining in these sessions though at times I went along with it to avoid drawing attention to myself. In the presence of religion or sports I've always felt like an anthropologist observing headhunters-best to keep a low profile. My mother had a religious side that I never found very attractive. Despite my care, it still became an issue.

Five days in, I was approached to lead the group in prayer. It was a welcoming gesture, their way of saying I was okay, but it was a little much for me, and I begged off, citing stage fright. They wouldn't let it go, countering my every excuse until finally there was nothing left but to concede I was a heathen. By then I was mad.

They asked me, "Doesn't it matter to you that you're going to Hell?"

"I'm used to it by now."

"Don't act like it's a joke! For all you know, maybe this is Hell. Maybe it's atheists like you that brought this down upon us."

"I'm not an atheist, though."

"Do you believe in God?"

"I don't believe or disbelieve. I don't think it's possible to know, but I'm open-minded about it."

"Jesus doesn't abide fence-sitters. The Lord spits them from His mouth like lukewarm water."

"Spitting spreads disease."

This pointless back-and-forth went on and on until I finally pretended to start crying and did my whole little waif act. Then they backed off and let me sleep.

Late that night I awoke in the grip of death.

"You unclean bitch. You little whore," rasped a hooded face inches from mine. "You act so fucking innocent, like you're some kind of Girl Scout, but you got it all figured out. Think you got all us guys twisted around your little pinkie. Well, I ain't fooled. You're here to tempt us." Spittle flecked my cheek. "Well, you know what? You succeeded."

It was the stringy-haired man who'd wanted more cocoa. He was straddling my chest, pinning my arms under the tarpaulin with his knees. His hands were clamped over my mouth and nose, suffocating me. Someone else was on my legs. It was all very silent and methodical-the rest of the deck beyond my low curtain was fast asleep. Almost as soon as I knew what was happening I began to fade, losing myself in a throbbing red buzz.

"Stop struggling or you die," he hissed in my ear. "You hear me? Hold still."

"Bust that bitch, Adam" said the other from below, stripping off my panties. It was Mitch. "She's playin' you."

"Come on, you cunt. Give it up."

I disappeared for a second, then came back, fighting the deep willingness to do just as he was saying. Some part of me was grateful for the chance to go away for good. My body was a nest of agonies, but its troubles already seemed like someone else's problem.

All at once there was a commotion, and the weight was gone. I could taste blood-the inside of my lip was cut from being mashed into my teeth. Gulping air, I looked up to see the wizened black face of Mr. Banks leaning over me. "You okay, bebby?" he asked.

"She okay, Pop?" asked Tyrell, kneeling close by. There were a lot of other alarmed, sleepy people clustered around, men and boys all talking at once and ogling me. Big Lemuel was in tears. It was like the scene of a fire.

Afraid of them all, I nodded, eyes wide.

"Psh, she's going to be fine," said the old man. "That's the first time I've had occasion to thank the Lord for giving me a weak bladder. Hallelujah!" He was holding one of the big hammers that had been standard equipment at the factory. There was a tuft of hair on it, beaded red.

Getting my breath back, I noticed someone lying motionless beside me. It was the tattooed one named Adam. A second body, that of Mitch, was draped partly over my leg, and I could feel it moving. Trying to push it off, my hand encountered hot, slimy hair covered with nylon netting. Blood. I cried out, squirming away.