Бри Деспейн - The Lost Saint

He’s nothing compared to you, the voice said.

“I’m your friend, Grace. I may not be your brother, but I care for you like I am.”

“You’re nothing to me.”

“So that’s how you regard your friends, as ‘nothing’? I understand that boy who was attacked was your friend. Is he nothing to you, too?”

“Pete Bradshaw isn’t my friend!” He’s a son of a bitch who deserves everything that happened to him. The voice was right; Pete had it coming to him. “He deserved it.”

“What?” Gabriel took a step back, rubbing his ringless fingers. “Did you do this, Grace?” He looked afraid, like he thought I was going to pounce on him.

Gabriel is a coward.

“No. I didn’t attack Pete. He’s not worth my time.” I pulled my jacket back up over my shoulders. “I have more important things to do.”

“Then why was your scent at that dojo?”

“Because that’s where I’ve been training.”

“Training? Daniel told me you two weren’t training anymore.”

“I wasn’t with Daniel. That boy I’ve been sneaking off with, he’s a Hound of Heaven … and the last of the Saint Moons. At least the real Saint

Moons. Not a coward like you, who uses the name but does nothing to deserve it.”

Gabriel’s eyes went wide. “That’s impossible, Grace. Don was the last Saint Moon. All the others were killed when—”

“When you stood by and let Caleb Kalbi kill them. Well, you’re wrong. Nathan Talbot survived. He was three years old when he watched his parents get slaughtered in front of him—all because you wouldn’t act.”

Gabriel’s mouth hung open for a split second. “I was told the boy died from his injuries.…”

“Well, he didn’t. And now he’s a Hound of Heaven. And he’s been teaching me everything he knows. You might be afraid to do anything with your powers, but I’m not a coward like you. I’m a Hound of Heaven now, too. And while you’ve been hiding out here, afraid to get your hands dirty, I’ve been hunting demons. I even killed my first one today.”

“You did what?” he roared. His body shook. He took another step back, breathing deeply. “No. This can’t be happening. You’re losing yourself to the wolf.”

“I’m not losing myself. I killed a demon, not a human or even an Urbat. I know the difference. I’m not as stupid as you think.”

Gabriel winced with pain; he pressed his palms together and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and then letting it out between his teeth.

“You’re insanely stupid if you think killing won’t change you,” he said softly. “Even killing a demon. It gives you a sense of power—the ability to end something’s existence, to snuff something out with your own hands. And that sense of power becomes pride, if you leave it unchecked. Soon you start thinking you’re better than everyone else. Superior. Or maybe it just makes you feel angry that you can’t do more. But those are exactly the feelings that feed the wolf—make it stronger. And before you know what’s happening, you’ll lose yourself.” He reached out to touch my shoulder.

“The wolf talks to you. I can sense it. We’re losing you already.”

I shook off his touch. “Stop saying that! Why can’t you believe in me? Why can’t you accept that just because you lost yourself to the curse, it doesn’t mean every other Hound of Heaven out there is going to, too?”

“You really want to know?” Gabriel asked.

“Yes.”

“Because in eight hundred and thirty years, I’ve yet to meet a single true Urbat who didn’t eventually fall victim to the wolf.”

His words felt like a punch in the gut. I gasped and took a step back, hitting the side of the table.

“Every single one of us falls, Katharine—and so will you.”

“I’m not Katharine. I’m not your sister. And I’m not weak like you.”

Gabriel growled. “I should have just taken you to Sirhan when I got here, like he’d commanded. I thought if I could figure you out, I could spare you the trip. I should have known better. I’m taking you now, so say good-bye to your friends. I don’t know when you’re coming back.”

“Taking me?” Sirhan commanded Gabriel to take me to him?

They’re coming for you. He makes you think you can trust him but you can’t.

“Are you the one Jude tried to warn me about? Are you the one who’s after me?” I tried to push past him to get away, but he wouldn’t move.

Gabriel put his hands on my shoulders. “No, Grace. That’s not what I meant. I’m taking you to Sirhan so we can help you.”

I swept my arm out and slammed it against his rib cage. He flew sideways and hit the wall. “You’re not taking me anywhere,” I said, and bolted out of the room.

LATER

I ran.

Out of the rec center, past the other students on the steps, past the bus and my dad’s car, which was just pulling into the parking lot, and out onto the street. I knew Gabriel was perfectly capable of coming after me, but I also knew he wouldn’t.

He’s weak.

He lies.

You’re better than him.

I picked up my pace, running harder and faster. My backpack smacked against my back with every step. I dodged pedestrians and cars and leaped over anything that got in my way. I knew people were pointing, stopping slack-jawed to watch the girl who was running like she was being chased by a monster. But I didn’t care. I just had to run.

I’d started running because Gabriel said he wanted to take me away. But the monster I ran from now was the words he’d spoken before that.

They trailed after me like a demon after its prey: In eight hundred and thirty years, I’ve yet to meet a single true Urbat who didn’t eventually fall victim to the wolf.

Those words haunted me. Just like the aching, shaking pain inside my muscles that wouldn’t ease—no matter how fast I ran. No matter how hard

I pounded it out on the pavement, no matter how much I embraced my powers. Nothing eased the pain like before—it only grew stronger and stronger with my raging thoughts.

Gabriel was wrong about me. He couldn’t help me. He didn’t understand me. He had no right to say I was going to fall. He didn’t even know me.

You’re better than him!

But I couldn’t shake what he’d said, that all the Hounds eventually fell. Gabriel had to be wrong. Falling wasn’t inevitable. Why would God have invented the Hounds of Heaven in the first place if all of them failed?

No, you’re not like them, the voice said. You’re special. You’re the Divine One.

Yes. Yes, I was different. The Urbat thought that you couldn’t receive the cure without dying—but I’d saved Daniel. I’d cured him.

I was better.

Daniel knew that.

Gabriel had tried to make Daniel forget that—tried to turn Daniel against me. But Daniel had believed in me once.

He loved me.

Yes, Daniel loves you. He’s the one who loves you most. Make him remember that.

Go to him.

My body shifted, and my direction veered toward Oak Park. I can’t explain it, can’t describe it, but every part of me needed to find Daniel, needed to see him, feel him, touch him. Needed to know that he still needed me.

I kept on running until I stumbled down the steps to Daniel’s basement apartment and collapsed against his door. I sank to the concrete, quivering like the bright orange aspen leaves surrounding the house. My heart pumped so hard it felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I’d never run so far, so fast, but still that horrible aching inside of me made my muscles clench with agony.

The door opened, and I heard Daniel say my name as he pulled me up into his arms. “Gracie, what are you doing here? Are you okay?”

I wanted Daniel to ease the pain inside of me, to prove that Gabriel was wrong about me, but hearing his voice and seeing his face weren’t enough. I wrapped my arms around his neck and then wove my fingers into his shaggy hair. I kissed the side of his face. Kissed him along his jaw and then behind his ear.