Аманда Хокинг - Flutter

“Kissed Peter.” I closed my eyes and grimaced.

Instantly after I said it, I don’t know why I told her the truth. It wasn’t something I was proud of, and it would probably be better for me if she never found out. But since it had happened, I hadn’t really been able to talk to anyone about it. Milo had said very little on the subject, mostly because he’d been too wrapped up in Bobby drama, and Mae and Ezra had never mentioned it. Besides that, Jane was really the only friend I had.

Everyone else was family. Or Bobby.

“What?” Jane wheeled on me, her eyes wide. She was interested in what I saying for the first time.

“You kissed Peter? That really incredibly foxy guy I saw earlier? You kissed him? I mean, I didn’t even realize that was an option!”

“It’s not.” I shook my head. “It was just a stupid mistake. I don’t even really know why I did it.”

“I do. That boy is irresistible.” Jane looked wistful thinking of him. “If I were you, I’d say good riddance to Jack and move onto this other boy.”

“I don’t want to move on to him!” Too late, I realized that telling Jane was a really bad idea.

I sat up and shook my head again. “I love Jack, and I want to be with him. Peter was an accident.”

“Okay. Fine, I believe you,” Jane said dubiously. She kept staring at me though, chewing her lip.

“So… does that mean he’s single?”

“Jane!” I groaned. “Peter is bad news! And you need to stay away from vampires for awhile!

Look what they’ve done you.”

“Yeah,” Jane shrugged, “but look what they’ve done to you.” She had a point. Vampires were literally sucking the life out of her, but me, they had given immortality, beauty, power, and money.

In fairness, those were all things that Jane already had, except for the immortality part.

“But I’m still miserable. So there.” I stuck my tongue out at her, and she shook her head.

“Oh, Alice, you’ll always be miserable no matter what you have.” Jane turned back to my clothes, picking out something hot pink and skimpy that I had never worn. “That’s your lot in life.”

“Maybe,” I exhaled resignedly. “But what’s yours?”

“My lot in life is looking beautiful.” She held the dress up in front of her and looked at herself in the mirror. “Do you have any accessories?”

Sure, Jane was irritating and self-absorbed, but it was oddly comforting having her around. I always knew exactly what I was getting with her. Despite myself, I actually sort of enjoyed her. For at least an hour I spent with her, I didn’t check my phone at all to see if I missed a call from Jack. I didn’t forget about him, exactly. The dull ache in my chest wouldn’t let me, but I wasn’t quite as obsessive as I had been.

After Jane went to bed, I went downstairs to get something to eat. The slow burning was starting to spread from my stomach, and soon it was going to be gnawing all over me. Jane didn’t entice me at all, but Bobby was starting to, so it was time to eat. I gulped down the bag of blood, then went back to my room and curled up in bed.

I was having a dream about this incredible warmth growing inside me. It wasn’t a burning, like a fire, but something different and more wonderful. Like a bright white light spreading out over me, until it became so much I couldn’t stand it, and I opened my eyes. When I woke up, my breath was ragged, but the feeling from the dream hadn’t entirely dissipated. I sat up, and I nearly screamed because someone was standing at the end of my bed, but when I realized who it was, I couldn’t even speak.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Jack said quietly.

I couldn’t breathe. My body was delighted, but it was always thrilled whenever Jack was in my proximity, no matter what else was happening. By the expression on his face, this was not a happy reunion.

He was pensive and his lips were pressed tightly together. The more alert I became, the more his emotions washed over me, and they were nothing pleasant either. Mostly, he felt nervous and hurt, and I didn’t blame him. After apologizing for waking me, Jack just stood there, arms crossed over his chest and stared at me. I sat up farther in bed and tried to think of something to say, but my mouth refused to work. The past few days I had only been thinking about what I would say to him if he came back, and here he was, and I was speechless.

“I have to admit, I was a little surprised I didn’t find you in Peter’s room,” Jack said finally.

His words were cutting, and all the more so because they were from him. He never said things to hurt people, but he wanted to hurt me now. I deserved it, so I couldn’t even muster any ounce of anger. I just wanted to cry and beg forgiveness.

“I was never with him.” My mouth worked numbly, and my heart hammered in my chest.

“What happened was a stupid mistake. It didn’t mean anything.”

“What exactly did happen?” Jack’s normally soft blue eyes were like ice, and they pierced straight through me. He had never looked at me like that, but he had never been so angry with me before.

“I don’t know.” All the rehearsed speeches I had explaining the kiss completely vanished. I had nothing except a blank expression.

“You don’t know what happened?” Jack gritted his teeth and took a deep breath. “How do you not know what exactly happened when you kissed Peter? Kissing really isn’t that hard! I know you know how to do it, and you’re really actually good at it! If you’re stuck, I can help you out. I’m sure it started with you putting your lips on his-”

“No, I know what happened!” I held up my hand. Rubbing my forehead, I exhaled shakily.

“I just don’t really know why it happened.”

“Well, maybe if you start telling what exactly happened, I can help with the why,” Jack suggested coldly.

“We kissed!” I shouted, feeling exasperated already. Getting frustrated with him probably wasn’t helping the situation, but I couldn’t help it. I just wanted to get to the part where I sobbed and apologized, and eventually, he forgave me.

“Who kissed whom?”

“I-I don’t know,” I stammered and looked down. I pulled my knees up my chest, and I really just wanted to bury my head in my hands.

“Really? You have no idea? Just one minute you’re standing there and then next you’re making out with him? That seems pretty spontaneous,” Jack said sarcastically.

“Nobody was making out.” I couldn’t even look at him. This was much harder than I thought it would be.

“So… who kissed whom?” Jack repeated, and when I still didn’t answer, he got louder.

“Alice?”

“I think… I-I might’ve,” I mumbled and swallowed hard. I could’ve lied but I knew he’d see it on me, and that would just make things worse. I rested my hand on my forehead and leaned on my knees. He had to take a few moments to process what I’d told him, and his hurt was even rawer now. I felt bad enough without having to feel everything that he felt, but I knew I deserved, so I bit my lip and took it.

“Are you in love with him?” His voice was so low I could barely hear it.

“God, no!” I shouted fiercely and looked at him. “No! I love you, Jack! And that’s all!” A wayward tear slid down my cheek. I wanted to crawl over to him and kiss him, but I knew he’d push me away. I just didn’t know how else to convey how much I loved him.

“So why would you kiss him? After everything we’ve been through!” Jack was almost pleading with me now, and it was making me cry.

“I don’t know! Honestly, Jack! I wish I did!” I wiped at my cheeks. “I was really thirsty, and I was trying to hold off on eating so I could get more self-control. And I just went into his room to talk, to distract myself, and then… I don’t know. We were talking, and then I just… I just kissed him. It was only for a second, and then I stopped it and I said that I couldn’t do it. And I am so sorry, Jack! I am so sorry! If I could take it back I would! I never wanted to do anything to hurt you!”