Макс Фрай - The Stranger

“Spare me, O Sir Max the Terrible, who spews death from out of his fire-breathing maw! Do not snuff out my existence with your burning spittle, which flows abundantly over the heads of your sworn enemies! I am unworthy of such a magnificent demise.”

Terrified policemen came running up when they heard Melifaro’s shrieks. It appeared they sincerely thought that someone was being murdered. They stared at my grimacing colleague. At me they only glanced surreptitiously, as though trying to size up the situation—was he going to spit or not? From our side of the Ministry, only Lonli-Lokli poked his stony physiognomy out of the doorway. Taking it all in at a glance, Sir Shurf sighed and slammed the door shut. In the meantime, the curious policemen still lingered.

Enjoying the all-round attention, Melifaro jumped up suddenly and sidled up close to me.

“Am I forgiven?” he asked innocently. “Or did I overdo it?”

“You overdid it.” I tried to stay calm, since I really was becoming a bit overwrought. “In such cases, it’s considered only proper to repent for no less than an hour. Moreover, it should be done in the most public place in town. Get thee hence to the Victory of Gurig VII Square, my poor friend, and fulfill your duty. Then you will be absolved of all guilt.”

At that, I retreated, slamming the door so hard the handle was left hanging limply by one screw. After that I really did start to calm down.

What’s wrong, Max? Melifaro sent me a call posthaste. Are you actually offended? I just wanted to amuse you.

Content yourself with the thought that you amused a whole crowd of cops and your own sweet self, I replied.

Where did your sense of humor go, Max? Well, never mind. If you’re still in a huff, I’ll stand you a drink. Come along to the Glutton and I’ll treat you to something stronger than your own nerves. Over and out.

He really was sucking up, tossing out my favorite expression. This only made me angrier.

“What if I actually do kill him, Shurf?” I asked.

Lonli-Lokli proceeded to regale me with legal advice, as thougt I really did intend to get even with my friend.

“Lifetime imprisonment in Xolomi, since you are both in government service. That will be an aggravating factor. Or there may be no consequences whatsoever, if you can prove that he committed a particularly heinous crime. All in all, such a situation is very undesirable. You ought not take offense at Melifaro. You know him, Max. It’s unfortunate that he was spoiled by his mother and older brothers, since his father, Manga Melifaro, was always busy—”

“Gadding about the World writing his famous Encyclopedia, I know. World travelers shouldn’t start families. Their passion for adventure gets passed down to their offspring. Well, never mind. I’ll just go to the Glutton and give him a shiner. He’s waiting for me, after all. Did you see the expressions on those terrified policemen, Shurf?”

“Naturally.”

“Make sure that none of them gets into the Silver Leaflet for the next thousand years. There wasn’t an intelligent face among them. And they really believed that I might kill him, the idiots. It’s obvious they learned their stuff from General Boboota.”

After venting my spleen on innocent people I felt a deep sense of satisfaction and went to make peace with Melifaro in the Glutton . There was plenty of time. Already bored at home, I had shown up for work much earlier than necessary.

Melifaro did everything he could to improve my mood—which he had done so much to spoil. When the time came to go on my night shift, I was no longer a menace to society.

Sir Juffin Hully sat in his armchair, his nose between the pages of a book. This idyll attested to the peace and tranquility that had already returned to Echo.

“Greetings, traitor,” he mumbled. “So, you’re sitting in the Glutton with Melifaro instead of relieving an old man on duty.”

“First of all, I came a half hour early. Second, Melifaro was atoning for his sins.”

“I know all that. And third?”

“And third, I’m ready to do it all again in your company.”

“What, exactly?”

“Go to the Glutton.”

“You won’t burst at the seams, Sir Max?”

“No way.”

“I’m too lazy to go anywhere. Let’s have them bring something over here. Sit down. I’m going to gossip.”

“For you, Sir, I’m prepared even for that.”

“Ha! He’s prepared. You’re the main character of this story. Do you know what Lady Melamori has been up to? I just found out today. When did you last see her?”

“Two days ago. Melifaro and I went to visit her. If you’re talking about that, Juffin, you can rest assured—everything was all above-board and proper. Too much so for my taste.”

“I see. I could have predicted the outcome of that visit without the help of clairvoyants—even twelve years before your birth. That’s not what I’m asking. Did you see her after that?”

“No. True, Melamori sent me a call several times. She inquired about my health and asked about my mood. Very sweet of her. I was touched.”

“By the way, how have you been feeling all this time?”

“You mean after my incarceration in the death cell? I haven’t spat any poison, at least, if that’s what you want to know.”

“What I want to know is something I’ll figure out for myself. Give me more details.”

“There’s nothing in particular to tell. Right afterward I felt I was in tip-top shape. My mood was good. Even too good. I felt cheerful, without any grounds for it, as though someone were tickling me. I wanted to laugh apropos of nothing. So I wandered around the house giggling like an idiot—children would say ‘I was feeling punchy.’”

“And that’s all?”

“Well, yes. Isn’t that enough?”

“Because of you, Sir Max, I have to be surprised so often it’s almost indecent,” said Juffin.

I couldn’t quite tell whether he was praising me or mocking me.

“So what happened? Tell me now—I’m on pins and needles!”

“Well, sit for a while without the pins and needles, and I’ll chew my food,” Sir Juffin snapped, biting off nearly half of the Glutton Pie , specialty of the house, which had just arrived.

He was really as eager to talk as I was to hear, and he began talking with his mouth full.

“The First and Last Lady of the Secret Investigative Force, Melamori, decided to test whether you were indeed worthy of her adoration.”

“I know one good way to test it,” I murmured. “If she doubts whether I am at her service any time of day or night, let her try me. You can tell her that.”

“Oh, Max, come on. Lady Melamori is a very serious woman. She has her methods. That’s why our cruel huntress has decided to shadow you.”

“What! Has she lost her mind?”

“No, I wouldn’t put it that way. She’s always been like that.”

“Are you sure that she’s on my trail? I feel absolutely fine.”

“Exactly. You feel wonderful. How did you put it—you feel ‘punchy’?”

I didn’t know what to think anymore. Lady Melamori on my trail! Unbelievable. But what usually happens to people in such cases? Deep depression at the very least. That’s the job of the Master of Pursuit—that’s why she’s hired. But I’m a rare bird. The queen of my heart is hot on my trail, and I feel nothing at all. Just a bit giddy. I’m a callous, insensitive pig. A monster. I hate myself.

There was another reason for my distress.

“And I thought she was asking because she was really worried. That she thought I was sick, since I wasn’t at work. And that she couldn’t wait until I turned up at the House by the Bridge again. But it was just her idea of an experiment. How humiliating.”