Макс Фрай - The Stranger

Lady Marilyn and I began to lie with gusto.

“I was born in County Vook. My parents fled there in the Time of Troubles, and they were quite happy. But I married a man from Echo just a few years ago. My great-grandmother is from Kettari, though, and so . . . In short, when I told my husband, ‘Glamma, I want a good Kettarian carpet,’ that wasn’t really what I was after. What I really wanted was to—”

“. . . to visit the land of fairy tales you had heard so much about when you were a child,” the old woman said, finishing my thought. “I can see you really like it here.”

“I certainly do! By the way, would you mind telling me what the custom is in this city? I’d like to find a place to live for a few dozen days. Not a hotel, but ordinary citizen’s lodgings. Is that possible?”

“It is, indeed,” the old lady said with enthusiasm. “You can rent one floor, or a whole house. A whole house is quite expensive, though, even for a short stay.”

“Oh, goodness!” I exclaimed. “I just wish I could meet someone who would offer me something suitable—and whether expensive or not, we could simply discuss the matter.” And I tapped the tip of my nose with the forefinger of my right hand.

“Welcome, young lady!” the old woman said with a merry chuckle. “You certainly deserve a little discount. Just imagine, I’m on my way home from my friend Rarra’s house. We were just talking about how we might as well settle down in one house, either mine or hers, since we visit each other every day. The second house could be rented out, so that we could afford a few extras for ourselves. We’ve been talking over this plan for a dozen years or more, and we can’t come to a decision. A few dozen days is just what we need to begin with. It will give both of us enough time to figure out whether we’re capable of living under the same roof. My house is nearby. I’d only ask ten crowns for a dozen days.”

“Ouch! Prices are steeper here than in the Capital!” I exclaimed.

“All right, eight; but you and your husband will have to help me move some of my indispensable belongings to Rarra’s,” the old woman said resolutely. “There aren’t too many. Since you have an amobiler and a strong man at your disposal, I don’t think it will trouble you too much.”

The “indispensable belongings” were so numerous that the move had to be carried out in six runs. But the time was well spent. Lady Xaraya, our landlady, managed to show us a place where we could get a good breakfast, and another place for an evening meal. She also warned us (about a hundred times) not to play cards with the locals—very thoughtful of her.

After we paid in advance for two dozen days, Lady Xaraya wished us a good night and disappeared into her friend’s house.

“It looks like the little old ladies are planning to get a bit tipsy tonight,” I said. “Let’s go home, Sir Shurf. Don’t be mad, but I’m sick of having to call you Glamma.”

“As you wish, but I prefer to be as careful as we can. What difference does it make what you call someone? What’s really important is that you not slip up in front of other people.”

“What ‘other people’? Our companions of the road are slumbering happily in some flea-bag hotel. I assume that they were fleeced out of more money than we were for that opportunity. Aren’t you thrilled at what my lucky streak has found this time?”

“Yes, to be sure,” Lonli-Lokli admitted. “But I had been expecting something like this all along, so I’m not surprised. I hope my reaction is not cause for disappointment.”

“Of course not! It inspires me with the wonderful feeling that everything in the World is in its proper place. Your placidity, Sir Shurf, is the true underpinning of my spiritual equilibrium. So just stay as you are, no matter what. Now let’s go home, get washed up, and change our clothes. Then we’ll have dinner and take a look around. Juffin, as far as I remember, gave us some astonishing instructions—enjoy life, and wait until a wonder finds us.”

“Juffin gave those instructions not to us, but to you. He told me just to guard you from possible trouble.”

“My heart is absolutely sure that I can’t experience anything remotely like trouble in Kettari! Not a thing!”

“We’ll see,” Lonli-Lokli said. “Wait! Where are you off to? This is our home. Number 24 the Riverbank. Have you forgotten?”

“Yes, I did forget! As one Sir Lookfi likes to say: ‘people are so absentminded.’”

The bathroom was in the basement. Obviously, the inhabitants of all the provinces of the Unified Kingdom had come to a consensus on this matter.

There were no luxuries or extras available to us—just a single bathroom, somewhat larger than we were used to in my homeland, but otherwise nearly identical.

Sir Shurf frowned in displeasure.

“I must say, after a few days on the road I was counting on three or four bathing pools.”

I sighed sympathetically.

“I’m sure that you have no less than twelve at home. Well, you’ll just have to get used to a life of deprivation and do without.”

“I have eighteen of them at home,” said Lonli-Lokli with palpable longing in his voice. “And I don’t think that’s excessive.”

“Are there any holey ones among them?”

“Alas, I am not privileged with such,” my friend said. “You may bathe, Lady Marilyn. I’ll wait in the living room.”

When I went back upstairs a half hour later, my friend raised his eyebrows quizzically.

“You didn’t have to hurry. I would have waited. Or are you always so quick with bathing?”

“Almost always,” I said. “I’m terribly uncouth, don’t you think?”

“To each her own,” Lonli-Lokli said reassuringly. “But I’ll apologize in advance for not being able to clean myself up in record time like you can.”

“Nonsense,” I said, brushing off his apology. “It so happens that I have a little matter to attend to.”

When I was by myself, I reached for my pillow, thrust my hand under it, and waited. Only a few minutes passed before the first cigarette was within my grasp. It had only been smoked halfway to the end. Putting it out completely, I hid it in the small treasure box where I kept my loot. It was a sort of cigar-case with two sections: one for butts, and another for whole cigarettes, which came to me so rarely I was beginning to forget how they tasted. I was loathe to complain, though; they were better than nothing. The few weeks that I tried to get used to the local tobacco were a heroic and bitter memory for me.

About three hours later Shurf finally deigned to come out of the bathroom. By this time, I had already managed to snatch four cigarette stubs, each one longer than the last. It was an uncommonly good harvest. My right hand had rested motionless under the pillow for twenty minutes already, and I didn’t intend to interrupt the procedure. Why should I? This fellow knew too much about me as it was. What kinds of secrets could I keep from him?

“May I know what you are doing?” he inquired politely.

“Well, I’m just making magic to the best of my abilities. This is how I come by my smoking sticks. It takes a long time, but it doesn’t cost a thing. A habit is very hard to break.”

“Is that—are they from your homeland?” Lonli-Lokli asked.

I nodded and tried to concentrate. Sir Shurf examined the butts with skeptical interest.

“Go ahead and try one,” I offered. “It’s like your tobacco, only much better. You’ll like it so much that I’ll have to retire just to have the time to rustle up enough for both of us.”

“You don’t mind? Thank you, you’re more than kind.” Lonli-Lokli chose a shorter butt and lit up.

“Well, how do you like it?” I asked.