Макс Фрай - The Stranger

“Could be worse.”

I carried out the motions mechanically, but the results were the best ever! Even Sir Kofa didn’t turn up his nose at it.

A feeling of justified pride dispelled the forebodings that had taken hold of me since my visit to the morgue. I pulled a parcel of cigarette stubs out of the folds of my Mantle of Death. My senior colleagues frowned in distaste, but I couldn’t have cared less. If people are doomed to smoke some reeking muck that they mistakenly consider to be pipe tobacco, one can only pity them.

“In what country do they make those belts?” I asked. “You must know, Kofa.”

“Good question, Max. At this point, I don’t have the answer. That is, as far as I’ve been able to tell, they aren’t made anywhere. But that’s clearly insufficient information. Actually, I was just about to go to the Customs. Since we’ve decided to take the bull by the horns, we can’t get by without Nulli Karif. That’s his job, to be in the know about all our dear foreign visitors. That’s why I woke you up, so you’d keep me company.”

“Did you like it?”

“What, your company? How could I not have liked it? It was a barrel of fun. Especially your heroic struggle over the spoon!” Kofa burst into peals of laughter.

“Well, I have had about all I can take, Sir Kofa,” I exclaimed. “I’m abandoning you for General Boboota. You’re cruel, and he’s kind and good. We’re going to go to the can together, sit in stalls side by side, and tap on the walls.”

“Why tap on the walls?” My colleagues were now beside themselves with mirth.

“So we can understand each other without words,” I explained. “It’s a spiritual bond you two could never even dream of.”

“Let’s get going, genius,” Sir Kofa said. “I can’t promise you spiritual bonds, but I guarantee you won’t be bored.”

The Head of Customs of the Unified Kingdom, Sir Nulli Karif, was a remarkable character in all respects. Small, garrulous, and, I assumed, very young. Round glasses in thin frames completed the image of this delightful personage.

“Well, whom do we have here! Sir Kofa! And you must be Sir Max. Splendid! Has something happened? You don’t have to answer that. I understand. Otherwise you wouldn’t have dragged yourselves over here from the other side of town. How’s Melifaro? What’s the news about his older brother? Is that pirate going to descend on Echo any time soon? They say Melifaro fastened the Earring of Oxalla on Chemparkaroke with such a powerful spell that no one will ever be able to remove it, even someone in the Seven-Leaf Clover. So much has happened around here! Do you remember Kaffa Xani, Sir Kofa? Well, he’s not with us anymore. He rented a ship and set sail for Magicians know where. Splendid! Attaboy! Way to go! Have you killed a lot of people, Sir Max? I don’t doubt you have. Is that true about Chemparkaroke? Has something indeed happened, Kofa, or did you just drop by to shoot the breeze?”

The monologue of the Head of Customs threatened to go on indefinitely, but Sir Kofa thought of a way to dam up the torrent of words, if only temporarily.

“Are you going to make us wait out here forever, or will you invite us into your office?”

“Oh, it’s not much of an office, really. Look here, Kofa. It’s a pantry, a storage room, not an office. This is where half the confiscated goods end up, since storing the junk elsewhere is too dangerous. And the fellows from Jafax can’t be bothered with nonsense like that. It’s a vicious circle. Soon I’ll have to start receiving guests right at the docks. Well, I’ll just set my chair down there and . . . oh, did you know our Kaffa Xani had become a captain? I suspect he’ll join the pirates and end up on the gallows in some Tasher jungle or remote Shishin Caliphate. But that’s how it goes. What sense is there in being a sailor if you don’t ship contraband? It’s foolish, that’s what it is. I don’t understand people like that. All the same, Sir Kofa, it’s splendid that you dropped by for a visit—though I don’t believe for a minute that’s the only reason you came to see me. I’m right on target, aren’t I?”

“Of course you are, Nulli. But perhaps you’ll offer us some kamra and keep quiet for three minutes? I’d never think of requesting five, I realize that’s out of the question. Well, are you finished?”

“But of course! They’ll bring us kamra directly. What kind do you prefer, Max? Local or Irrashi? Or maybe you’re a fan of Arvarox kamra? Though I think they already drank that up. The boys in this outfit do nothing but drink kamra—and from such enormous mugs.” He spread his small arms out wide to illustrate this phenomenon. I was duly impressed.

“If you aren’t exaggerating, Sir Nulli, the poor fellows must be hard at work,” I said. “It’s even hard to fathom the existence of a mug that big.”

“Certainly, Sir Max. We’re not playing the fool here. Those lads have to sweat,” said the remarkable fellow, without missing a beat. “I must say, though, the pay here is quite good. That same Kaffa Xani worked all of three years for us, and he’s already managed to hire a ship. Didn’t I tell you? Now he’ll sneak in contraband, and I’ll have to catch him. Magnificent! Ah, here’s the kamra.”

Sir Nulli sniffed the contents of the jug and launched into another flood of words.

“That’s Irrashi. It’s actually rubbish; but then, it’s imported. Where else can you get anything like that? Help yourselves, gentlemen. Though I’d prefer to just pour it out, I’m so sick of it. Well, if it isn’t old Tyoovin!” Nulli gestured toward the corner of his office, filled to the brim with all manner of bales and bundles, where a blurry white spot was just visible. “Sir Max, you haven’t yet met our Tyoovin. Let me introduce you to my predecessor, Sir Tyoovin Salivava, who was killed in the fifty-second year of the Code Epoch when he attempted a raid on the most famous smuggler of the Epoch of Orders. A great man, when all is said and done. I don’t remember his real name. They called him the ‘White Bird,’ and sometimes ‘Slippery Sun.’ Smugglers have always been a romantic bunch. But the fellow didn’t survive the brawl. Old man Tyoovin was a sight to behold. If he hadn’t had so much to drink that night, White Bird would never have caught him. Marvelous, don’t you think?”

“So, you mean he’s a ghost?” I interjected, staring incredulously, staring at the distant blur.

“Of course he’s a ghost. What else could he be? The old man’s not in very good shape today. By that I mean that Tyoovin usually appears with a completely human outline. I guess he’s feeling shy. Actually, Mr. Salivava was so drunk when they killed him that his ghost is never fully aware of what’s going on. But he’s a fine fellow. He’s a big help to me. It’s enough for him to materialize in front of some dapper, jaunty captain and bark, ‘Worthless nincompoops!’, and the chap starts spilling all his secrets at once, without any effort on our part. I can just go to sleep, which is usually exactly what I do. He’s quite something, that Tyoovin. He does love his work. Yes, indeed. But Sir Kofa, what on earth is wrong? I can see in your eyes that this isn’t just a social visit.”

“Nulli, I’ll give you another ten seconds. If, by then, you don’t shut up of your own accord, Max and I will tie you up, gag you, and then get down to business. Is that clear?”

“What do you mean, Sir Kofa? When have I ever refused to get down to business with you? I guessed right. You do have something to talk over with me. Excellent! I’m all ears, gentlemen. But first tell me: this concerns Melifaro and Chemparkaroke, am I right?”

“Sinning Magicians!” Sir Kofa rolled his eyes heavenward. “Of course not! You should know better than that. Why are you so wrought up over Chemparkaroke? Now, Nulli, put on your infamous thinking cap. This has nothing to do with smuggling, so—”