Элизабет Чандлер - Don't Tell

“I knew I had to tell Lauren the truth about her birth, but the longer I put it off, the harder it was. When I finally made up my mind to do it, and Lauren came, painful memories were stirred up in Nora. I worried that Nora might hurt Lauren and was afraid to explain the past and make things worse. I didn’t know what to do.”

Aunt Jule gazed at Nora and me, then turned to Holly. “I have not been a good mother. I have made terrible mistakes. But I have always loved you.” Her voice wavered with emotion. “I will never stop loving all three of you.”

I wanted to put my arms around Aunt Jule, to reassure her, but I couldn’t. I struggled to comprehend that she was my birth mother and to reinterpret all the things I had thought I knew about myself. Nick, who was standing a distance behind us, came forward and took Aunt Jule’s hand.

I finally found my voice. “Nora is innocent of my mother’s — Sondra’s — death,” I said. “Holly convinced Nora that she was guilty because she didn’t go into the river to pull her out, but Nora wasn’t responsible.”

Aunt Jule closed her eyes and shook her head.

“Okay,” McManus said, “I think this soap opera’s over, at least for now. I’ll be sending someone back to you folks for some more statements.”

An officer cut the curtain cords around Holly’s wrists.

When Holly stood up, Aunt Jule tried to put her arms around her, but Holly pushed her aside. “I hate you! I hate all of you.”

“I want cuffs on her,” McManus said.

“Traitor,” Holly hissed at Nick, then moved toward me.

Two officers moved with her.

“Excuse me,” she said, “I have something private to tell Lauren.”

They looked at me and I nodded.

She took a step forward and whispered in my ear, “I killed Sondra, but you’ll never be able to prove it.” Then she turned away laughing and was escorted out the door.

As the police exited, Nick’s parents arrived. They said a quick hello to Aunt Jule and rushed over to Nick. I don’t know how the three of them understood each other, for they all talked at the same time. I turned to Aunt Jule — in my mind, that was still her name. I hugged her and Nora, then pulled away, feeling suddenly shy.

My godmother — mother — touched my cheek gently. “It’s okay, love,” she said. “It’s going to take a while to get used to the idea.

“Your dad knows,” she added, “he has since you were three. I didn’t realize Sondra had told him, not until we spoke at her funeral. The loss of Sondra had upset you so badly, we both thought it best not to tell you about your birth until you were older. Whenever I visited you, your dad would call to find out how I thought you were doing. He may not have been an ideal father — he certainly wasn’t a good husband to Sondra — but he does love you.”

I nodded silently. There was so much to absorb.

Aunt Jule hugged Nora and smiled at me, as if to send me the hug vicariously, while giving me the space I needed at the moment.

“Do you want one of your walks alone?” she asked. “See, I’m learning that you’re not a little girl anymore and like to work things through by yourself.”

I smiled back at her. “Yes, but I want to take Rocky with me. Tell Nick I’ve got him, okay?”

The dog trotted next to me down to the boathouse. I kept a tight hold on his collar as we watched the firefighters continue to douse the grass around the burned-out structure.

Fishing line, crab traps, and nets, some of which looked new, had been dragged out of the water. Yellow police tape surrounded the site.

“Come on, Rocky,” I said and headed in the direction of the dock. He raced past me, then plunged into the water. I watched him swim and tried not to think about Nick.

I had discovered that there was something more painful than falling in love with someone who hasn’t fallen for you: hurting that person — hurting him and not being able to do anything about it I wondered if Nick suspected that Holly had killed my mother. I wouldn’t tell him. Holly was just a kid then — maybe a heartless one, but a kid, and legally a minor. If I pursued the matter I’d create more pain, not achieve justice.

I told myself it was Holly and Frank who had betrayed Nick; still, my return to Wisteria had triggered the whole disturbing chain of events. I wondered if Nick and I would ever be friends again. I thought about the way he had cried when he held me on the grass.

Think about something else, I told myself, think about Dad. In nine months I’d inherit my mother’s money and wouldn’t be dependent on him anymore. It would give me a better chance to strengthen our fragile relationship, to let him know I didn’t need, but wanted, his presence in my life.

And the money would enable me to pay for the psychological care of Nora — for the care of my sister, I thought, trying out the new words. I’d stay the summer and, if she needed me, do my senior year in Wisteria.

“It’s going to get better,” I said aloud.

“It will.”

I turned, startled by Nick’s voice. He stood a foot away from me.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” he said. “Can we talk?”

“Nick, I’m so sorry. I know how much it must—” He reached out and touched my mouth with the tips of his fingers. “What I meant was — can I talk?”

“Okay.”

We walked together, following the riverbank. After a long silence he said, “I’m trying to put it all in order.”

“Don’t try. Just begin anywhere.”

“Do you know what it was like kissing Holly and looking up to see you?”

“What?”

“You said to begin anywhere.”

But I hadn’t expected that as a beginning, middle, or end.

I felt my cheeks getting warm. “I guess it was pretty embarrassing for both of us,” I said, and walked ahead of him so he wouldn’t see my face. “I know, I just kept staring at you.”

“What were you thinking?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Don’t you start using that line,” he chided.

“Then don’t ask me, Nick.” Did he suspect how I felt?

He caught me and turned me around to face him. I focused on his shirt.

“Okay,” he said quietly, “I’ll tell you what I was thinking. I couldn’t believe that I, who was never going to get hooked, had fallen in love with a girl who didn’t want to date, and she was watching me kiss somebody else.”

I glanced up.

“Your turn, brave girl. What were you thinking?”

“That Holly looked beautiful in your arms and that you didn’t pull away from her the way you had pulled away from me when I kissed you.”

He drew me to him. “I’m not pulling away again,” he said, holding me close.

I hesitated, then put my arms around him. “I thought I had done something stupid.”

“No, you just surprised the heck out of me. I knew before then I was getting hooked on you, but I thought I could handle it. I didn’t know a simple kiss could be like that. It was scary, what I felt. My heart was banging against my ribs. I don’t know how you didn’t hear it.”

“I couldn’t hear it over mine.”

He tilted his head back to smile at me. “I love looking in your eyes,” he said. Then the smiled disappeared and his face grew serious. “I found out right after that what really scary was — someone hurting you, someone trying to kill you.”

“You mean today.”

“No. I was suspicious before. I didn’t think that Nora would hurt you, but I had begun to worry that someone was hiding behind her. The night of the prom I realized how jealous Holly was of you. When I returned to the dance — I don’t know, I must have had a dazed look on my face — she knew something had happened between us. She started cutting you down, saying a lot of nasty stuff. No big deal, I told myself, girls and guys get jealous of each other.”