Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl - the time paradox

Holly pulled a tether from her belt, looping it under Artemis’s arms. ‘Now, let’s get you home before the villagers start building a gallows.’

‘Good idea,’ mumbled Artemis, drowsy with the after-effects of his magical makeover.

‘Yes, believe it or not, other people do have those occasionally.’

‘Occasionally,’ agreed Artemis, then his head lolled back and he was asleep.

Holly reset her wings for the added weight and launched them both off the lip of the sea stack, flying low to avoid the torch beams of the locals that strobed the night sky like searchlights.

Foaly tuned into Holly’s helmet frequency while she was airborne.

‘The seventh kraken, I’m guessing. Of course I had my suspicions …’ He paused. ‘This would be a good opportunity to mind-wipe Artemis,’ he said. ‘Save ourselves a lot of grief in the future.’

‘Foaly!’ said Holly, horrified. ‘We don’t wipe our friends. Artemis brought Jayjay back to us. Who knows how many cures lie in that lemur’s brain.’

‘I’m kidding. I’m kidding. And, guess what, we won’t even have to ask Jayjay to donate some brain fluid. Number One synthesized it while he was waiting for the shuttle. That kid is one of a kind.’

‘I seem to run into a lot of those. By the way, we need to send a team in for Opal.’

‘They’re en route. I think you’re in for another rake over the coals from IA when you get back here.’

Holly snorted. ‘What’s new?’

Foaly fell silent, waiting for Holly to share the details of her adventures. Eventually he could wait no more.

‘OK, you win. I’ll ask. What happened back then — eight years ago? My gods, it must have been mayhem.’

Holly felt a phantom tingle on her lips where she had kissed Artemis.

‘Nothing. Nothing happened. We went, we got the lemur, we came back. A couple of glitches, but obviously nothing we couldn’t handle.’

Foaly didn’t press for details. Holly would tell him when she had processed it herself.

‘Do you ever think you might like to go to work and then just come home? No drama.’

Holly watched the ocean flash by below her and felt the weight of Artemis Fowl in her arms.

‘No,’ she said. ‘I never think that.’

LESSthan an hour later they landed at Fowl Manor. Artemis woke up just as Holly’s heels hit the gravel and was instantly alert.

‘Magic is wonderful stuff,’ he said, pin-wheeling his left arm.

‘You should have held on to yours,’ quipped Holly.

‘Ironically, if I had not attempted to cure Mother, Opal would have allowed her to recover. It was my journey into the past that gave Opal the basis for her plan, which she instigated by following us to her future.’

‘I liked you better asleep,’ said Holly, retrieving her tether. ‘My head hurt less.’

‘It’s the big time paradox. If I had done nothing, then nothing would have needed to be done.’

Holly touched her helmet. ‘Let me get Foaly on the com. You two could both talk at the same time.’

The exterior lights cast a soft glow on the gravel, setting the stones shimmering like gems. Lofty evergreen trees swayed in the gentle breeze, rustling with life. Like Tolkien’s creatures.

Artemis watched Holly stride towards the main doors.

If only, he thought. If only.

N o1 sat on the front step, flanked by a squad of LEP officers bristling with the latest weaponry. Artemis knew that his DNA was coded into their guns and all they had to do was select his icon from a list and there would be no escape. Jayjay had wrapped himself around the demon’s crown like a hunting cap and seemed most comfortable there. He roused himself when he saw Artemis, leaping into the boy’s arms. A dozen LEP rifles instantly beeped, and Artemis guessed that his icon was being selected.

‘Hello there, little fellow. How do you like the present?’

N o1 answered for the lemur. ‘He likes it fine. Especially now that no one will be sticking any needles in his head.’

Artemis nodded. ‘You duplicated the fluid. I thought that might be an option. Where is Doctor Schalke?’

‘He collapsed once Opal departed. Butler put him in a guest room.’

‘And Artemis Junior?’

‘Technically, you are Artemis Junior,’ replied N o1. ‘But I know what you are trying to ask me. Your younger self has been transported back to his own time. I sent a Retrieval captain and stayed here as a marker. I thought you would want him out of the way as soon as possible, what with your father and the twins on their way home.’

Artemis tickled Jayjay under the chin. ‘It might have proved awkward.’

Holly was troubled. ‘I know we promised not to wipe him, but I’m not particularly thrilled that there’s a little Fowl running around with fairy knowledge in his devious skull.’

Artemis raised an eyebrow. ‘Devious skull? Charming.’

‘Hey, if the flap fits …’

N o1 was a little pale. With a flex of his tail, he lifted his squat rump from the step.

‘About this no mind-wiping promise. The thing is, nobody told me.’

Holly stared at him. ‘So you wiped him?’

N o1 nodded. ‘And Schalke. I also left a residual spell in young Artemis’s eyeballs so Butler will get it too. Nothing fancy, just a blanket memory loss. Their brains will fill in the gaps, invent believable memories.’

Holly shuddered. ‘You left a spell in his eyeballs. That is revolting.’

‘Revolting but ingenious,’ said Artemis.

Holly was surprised. ‘You don’t seem too indignant. I was expecting a speech. Rolling eyes, flapping arms, the whole Fowl thing.’

Artemis shrugged. ‘I knew it would happen. I didn’t remember anything, so I must have been wiped, therefore we must have won.’

‘You always knew.’

‘I didn’t know what the cost would be.’

N o1 sighed. ‘So I’m off the hook, as you humans say?’

‘Absolutely,’ said Holly, clapping him on the shoulder. ‘I feel a lot better now.’

‘On the positive side, I bolstered your atomic structure. Your atoms were a bit rattled by the time stream. I’m amazed you are still in one piece. I can only imagine how hard you were forced to concentrate.’

‘Well, you had bolstered my atoms, and I have to beg one more favour,’ said Artemis. ‘I need you to send a note back in time.’

‘I’ve been ordered not to open the time stream again, but maybe we can squeeze back one more thing,’ said N o1.

Artemis nodded. ‘That’s what I thought.’

‘When and where?’

‘Holly knows. You can do it from Tara.’

‘How do you spell stupendous?’ said Holly, smiling.

Artemis stepped back, craning his neck to peer upwards at the front window of his parents’ room. Jayjay mimicked the action, climbing on to Artemis’s shoulders and tilting his tiny head back.

‘I’m afraid to go up, for some reason.’

He noticed himself wringing his fingers, and stuffed both hands in his jacket pockets.

‘What she must have been through, all because of my meddling. What she must have-’

‘Don’t forget us,’ interjected N o1. ‘We were submerged in animal fat. You have no idea how gross that is. Eyeball spells are the epitome of good taste compared to animal fat.’

‘I was turned into an adolescent,’ said Holly, winking at Artemis. ‘Now that was gross.’

Artemis’s smile was forced. ‘Strangely, all this guilt tripping is not making me feel any better. The DNA cannons aren’t helping either.’