Alma Katsu - The Taker

Finally, after several weeks of being housebound, the snow had condensed to a passable depth and Father said we would go into town on Sunday. While any other time of year such news would be met with mere tolerance if not indifference, this time you would have thought Father had told us we were going to a ball. Maeve, Glynnis, and I spent the days in a tizzy, deciding what we would wear, how to scrub a stain out of a beloved chemise, and which of us would fix the others’ hair. Even Nevin seemed anxious for Sunday to come so he could escape from our tiny cabin.

My father and I deposited my sisters, brother, and mother at the Catholic church and then drove to the congregation hall. Father knew why I went to service with him, so he must have had an inkling of why I was more anxious than usual as we approached the hall. And after service, as the snow was too deep on the common for socializing, the congregation remained indoors, packing the aisles, hallways, and staircases. The air was loud with the bright chatter of people who had been confined with their families for too long and were anxious to speak to someone new.

I squeezed through the crowds, searching for Jonathan. My ears caught snippets of my neighbors’ conversations-how dreary it had been, how boring, how sick everyone was of dried peas in molasses and salt pork-and they bounced off me like pellets of sleet. Through a narrow window, I caught sight of the churchyard and Sophia’s grave. The recently turned ground had settled and sunk, and the snow over the grave dipped a good inch or two lower than the rest of the cover, leaving an irregularity on the landscape.

Finally, I saw Jonathan weaving through the crowd, too, looking as though he might be searching for me. We met at the foot of the staircase to the balcony, packed shoulder to shoulder with our neighbors, aware that we couldn’t speak freely. Someone was bound to overhear.

“How charming you look today, Lanny,” Jonathan said, politely. A harmless statement, the casual eavesdropper might think, but the Jonathan of my childhood had never remarked on my appearance, any more than he would remark on the appearance of another boy.

I couldn’t return the compliment; I could only blush.

He leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “The past three weeks have been unbearable. Go out to your barn an hour before sundown tonight and I will contrive to meet you there.”

Of course, under the circumstances I could ask him no questions nor seek any reassurances for my uncertain heart. And, to be honest, I don’t think anything he could have said would have kept me from going to him. I burned to be with him.

That afternoon, my fears were assuaged. For an hour, I felt I was the epicenter of his world, all I could wish for. The whole of his being was in his every touch, from the way he fumbled with the tapes and ties that bound my clothing, to his fingers pulling gently through my hair and his kisses on my bare, goose-prickled shoulders. Afterward, we nestled together as we returned to our bodies and it was bliss to be encircled in his arms, to feel him pressed tight against me, as though he, too, wanted nothing to come between us. No happiness can compare to the happiness of getting what you have begged and prayed for. I was exactly where I’d longed to be, but now was aware of every second ticking by and how my family would be wondering after me.

Reluctantly, I pried his arms from my waist. “I can’t stay. I must go back… though sometimes I wish there was somewhere else for me… a place I could go rather than home.”

I had meant to say only that I wished I didn’t have to leave the sweet harbor of his company but this truth slipped out, a truth I’d kept smothered inside me. It felt shameful, a secret fear to which I should not admit, but the words had escaped and there was no taking them back. Jonathan looked at me quizzically. “Why is that, Lanny?”

“Well, sometimes I feel-I have no place within my family.” I felt a fool having to explain it to Jonathan, perhaps the one person in the village who had never gone unloved or had ever felt undeserving of happiness. “Nevin’s the only son, so he’s invaluable to my parents. And he’ll inherit the farm one day. Then there are my sisters… well, they’re so pretty, everyone in town admires them for their prettiness. Their prospects are good. But me…” I couldn’t say, even to Jonathan, the heart of my secret fear-that my happiness mattered to no one, that I mattered to no one, not even to my father or mother.

He pulled me down next to him in the hay and drew me into his arms, holding me fast as I tried to pull away, not from him but from my shame. “I can’t bear to hear you say these things, Lanny… well, you’re the one I choose to be with, aren’t you? The only one I seem to feel comfortable with, the only person I reveal myself to. I would spend all my time in your company, if I could. Father, Mother, my sisters, Benjamin… I’d give them up, all of them, for it to be just you, just the two of us, together forever.”

I ate up his pretty tribute, of course; it cut through my shame and went straight to my head like a draft of strong whiskey. Don’t mistake what I am saying: at the time, he believed he loved me and I was sure of his sincerity. But now, with hard-earned wisdom, I understand how foolish we were to say such dangerous words to each other! We were arrogant and naive, thinking we knew what we felt then was love. Love can be a cheap emotion, lightly given, though it didn’t seem so to me at the time. Looking back, I know we were only filling in the holes in our souls, the way the tide rushes sand to fill in the crevices of a rocky shore. We-or maybe it was just I-bandaged our needs with what we declared was love. But, eventually, the tide draws out what it has swept in.

It was impossible for Jonathan to give me what he’d claimed to wish for; he couldn’t give up his family or his responsibilities. He didn’t have to tell me that his parents would never let him settle for me as a wife. But that late afternoon, in that cold barn, I possessed Jonathan’s love, and having it, I was all the more ferocious to hold on to it. He’d declared his love for me, I was assured of mine for him, proof that we were meant to be together and that, of all the souls in God’s universe, we were bound to each other. Bound in love.

We met that way only twice more over the next two months, a sorry record for lovers. On each occasion, we spoke very little (except for him to confess how he’d missed me), rushing to lovemaking, our haste owing to the fear that we would be discovered as well as due to the cold. We stripped each other as bare as we dared go, and used mouths and hands to knead, caress, and kiss. Each time, we coupled as though it would be the last time for either of us-perhaps we intuited an unhappy future, hovering at our elbow, counting down the seconds until it would wrap us in a dread embrace. Both times, we parted in haste, too, the scent of him slithering up from under my clothes, wetness between my legs and a burn on my cheeks that I hoped would be mistaken by my family for a nip from the cold.

Each time we parted, however, doubt began to nibble at the back of my mind. I had Jonathan’s love-for now-but what did that mean? I knew Jonathan’s past better than anyone. Hadn’t he loved Sophia, too, and yet I had made him forget about her-or so it seemed. I could pretend that he would be true and faithful to me, choose to be willfully blind, as many women do, and hope that in time this would come to pass. My blindness was aided by a stubborn conviction that a bond of love was ordained by God, and no matter how inconvenient, how unlikely or painful, it could not be changed by man. I had to have faith that my love would triumph over any imperfection in Jonathan’s love for me; love, after all, is faith, and all faith is meant to be tested.