Anne Ursu - The Shadow Thieves

"Zee!" Charlotte called. "Zee, wait up!"

Zee didn't even look behind him. He just kept going, as if he didn't hear her-or at least wanted it to seem that way.

But he didn't alter his pace, either, and Charlotte ran until she caught up to him. "Zee!" she said. "What are you doing?"

And still he kept walking. Mew was running in circles around his legs.

"Zee! What are you doing? Zee, you said we were going to wait! You promised!" She grabbed on to his shoulder, and only then did he stop.

"What?" he said. He shook his head. He blinked. "Charlotte?"

"Zee?"

Zee looked at Charlotte, then at himself, then at the world. "Where are we? What's going on?"

Charlotte gaped. "What are you doing?"

He looked around helplessly. "I have no idea…"

IF YOU ASKED CHARON-NOT THAT ANYONE EVER does-he'd tell you he gets a bad rap. The Ferryman for the Dead is widely considered, in both legend and life, to be rather, well, greedy. But really, if you look at all the facts, you can't blame him. He has a family to feed.

Everyone knows he has the worst job in the Underworld. He spends his days rowing back and forth along the Styx, listening to the Dead freak out because they're Dead and they had so much to live for, blah, blah, blah, and where in the heck are the Pearly Gates, anyway?

Actually, he kind of likes that last part.

But regardless, Charon has had his job since the beginning, the Very Beginning; when there first was an Underworld, there was Charon on the river Styx in his ferryboat. He doesn't remember anything before that.

In the Beginning it was a nice life. A few Dead here and there, and most of them knew enough to bring a little tip for the Ferryman. That's what civilized people do, you know. They tip. There's no such thing as a free ride.

But that is beside the point.

Which is:

That was the good old days, when it was just he, Thanatos, Hypnos, Hades, and the Erinyes. They'd pal around and drink wine and play cards, and Hades would tell lewd jokes. He knew so many! No one's ever known as many dirty jokes as Hades! Like, did you hear the one about Perseus and the Gorgon's head?

No?

Oh, anyway. Everything changed when Hades brought Persephone to the Underworld. He got all funny, the way men do. Started spending all his time in the Palace. Never hung out with the guys (or the winged she-demons) anymore. Stopped caring about the Kingdom. He gave Hypnos and Thanatos their fancy-dancy titles, and suddenly ol' Charon was just a grunt, just a laborer, just the Ferryman.

Oh, and then the Dead kept coming. More and more. Charon barely got any time off. He had to get a bigger boat, which he paid for with his own hard-earned money, mind you. Did he mention he had a family to feed?

Oh, and then the Underworld just kept getting bigger and bigger, and Hades tried to lure more Staff so he could sit on his bony butt and pitch woo to the Ice Queen. And Hades promised prospective employees all these lovely perks but didn't bother to tend to those who'd been there since the Beginning. You know how it goes. In with the new, forget the old. At least the Erinyes got to torture people.

He used to be fun, Hades did. A riot! Did you hear the one about Jason and the Golden Fleece?

No?

The point is, Charon had a family to feed. And he didn't have any of those bonuses or benefits or personal holidays or vacation time or paternity leave or anything else that everyone and their Aunt Fanny seemed to have. He depended on fares. Not that they were enough. With the family to feed.

So Charon developed a little side business. A trade of his own. Hades liked entrepreneurs, so Charon became one. He traded in the most valuable commodity there was:

Information.

Information! Ah, how he loves having it! How everyone else wants it! You want to know what your implets do after school? You want to know what your minions say when you're out of earshot? You want to know who is building a shadow army to take over the Underworld?

Really, he's providing a service. And if he happens to make a profit, to feed his family, well… can you blame him? Can you?

Actually, he doesn't have a family. He's more the solitary type. Brooding. A loner. Plus, a wife and kids are expensive.

But he digresses.

So, say you're one of those Promethian descendants and you wander on down to the Underworld. (Because let's face it: Everyone knows how to get in and out. Hades thought his precious Decree would stop people, but really, he doesn't know a thing that happens outside his Palace walls. All he does is sit on his scrawny bottom and make goo-goo eyes at the Ice Queen.)

Say you're one of those descendants of Prometheus. And you're sworn to protect humans against the whims of the uncaring gods, blah, blah, blah. And you get wind of some nefarious Underworld scheme. And you want more information so you can save your precious humans. Whatever do you do?

Well, you go down and see Charon.

But bring cash.

Charon knows. He knows everything. And for the right price he'll tell you.

Okay, now Say you are Charon. Say you give this guy all the information he wants. Say, in the process, because you are oh so subtle and clever, you get a little information from him. What do you do then?

Well, just follow these simple instructions:

Put a sign on your boat. BE BACK IN 15 MINUTES. It doesn't actually have to be fifteen minutes. The Dead have no sense of time. Let them wander around on the shores for a while. Builds character.

Find your subject. Approach him casually. You're buddies, right? Act like one.

Like this:

CHARON: Hey, how's it going?

SUBJECT: Good, good.

Excellent. Now tell a joke. Loosen him up.

CHARON: Hey, did you hear the one about Heracles and the Cerynitian hind?

Like that. Now start asking questions. Be casual.

CHARON: How's that shadow army?

As if you really want to know, because you care. About him. Everyone likes to be listened to. People want to talk about their evil schemes. Just give them the chance.

SUBJECT: Just about done.

CHARON: Wow! That's amazing.

Flattery will get you everywhere.

SUBJECT: It truly is. The army, you should see them. They're so beautiful. I almost hate to send them out…

CHARON: When are you going to?

SUBJECT: I just need to get my Zero down here to utter the final words of the spell.

CHARON: Oh.

Pause. Think for a moment. Ask innocently:

CHARON: And how are you going to do that?

SUBJECT: I've been sending him dreams. Vivid ones.

CHARON: {Innocent. Wide eyed. Appreciative!} Wow! I thought only Hypnos could do that.

SUBJECT: I've learned a few skills here in Exile. The boy will be down here soon. He may be asleep, but he'll be here.

See? They brag! It's the most wonderful thing!

So you nod. You smile. You praise him some more. You sidle up close to him. Your smile grows. You whisper tantalizingly:

CHARON: I know something you don't know.

SUBJECT: You do?

CHARON: Yup.

Pause.

SUBJECT: What is it?

CHARON: It's gonna cost you.

Really, that's the best part. It's gonna cost you! It's gonna cost you! And he, your subject, is waiting, hungering, practically drooling for your information! And he inevitably says:

SUBJECT: How much?

CHARON: This is pretty great information.

Shake your head. Like you can't believe how great it is. Like it's so great it's going to cost him a lot.

Your subject will sigh, reluctantly, and offer you a price. Double it. Triple it if he's a raging egomaniac with a freaky evil plan for taking over the Underworld. He'll refuse. Shake your head, sigh, nod like you understand, and walk away slowly. He will inevitably say: