Jasper Fforde - The Song of the Quarkbeast

‘Actually, I don’t think so. Full? Cuff him. Moobin, if he even so much as twitches , newt him.’

‘With pleasure.’

Full Price edged forward, fingers at the ready. It was a tense moment. Until we had the cuffs on him he was still dangerous. His eyes bored into mine with hatred, and as Full Price snapped on the first of the finger-cuffs, Blix shook his head and muttered:

‘Bloody foundlings!’

There was a click, a hum and then a rising whine from somewhere deep within the building. We felt the floor flex, and the room suddenly grew lighter and three degrees warmer. The first person to realise what was going on was the most experienced wizard in the room – Blix. The Dibble Storage Coils, brimful with four GigaShandars of wizidrical energy, had just come back online. The passthought had been simpler than we had thought, and reflected Lady Mawgon’s feelings for Tiger and myself: Bloody foundlings – a feeling shared with Blix with the same deep sense of disdain. Unwittingly, Lady Mawgon had just handed a vast amount of power to the one person who shouldn’t have it.

Conrad Blix, formerly ‘the Amazing’, was now . . . All Powerful.

Several things seemed to happen at once. The Prices and Moobin all let fly at the same time, and the room was suddenly filled with spells and counter-spells, weaves, dodges, burns and reversals. So much so that the dust on the floor buzzed with static and the glass in the roof began to cloud. Those of us unversed in the Mystical Arts dived for cover, and when the noise had died down after probably less than half a minute, I looked cautiously from where I had hidden behind the central fountain. Tiger was with me, and Perkins. The Quarkbeast was next to us, but frozen in mid-leap, his mouth gaping wide and now showing us a perfect array of teeth delicately rendered in the finest granite.

‘Wow,’ I heard Blix say, ‘you can do some serious mischief with four Gigs of crackle at your elbow! Jennifer? Are you there?’

‘Perhaps,’ I said, not revealing myself.

I looked to right and left and noticed that the room had six more figures delicately realised in stone – both of the Prices, Moobin, Corby and even Tchango Muttney, who had been turned to granite just as he reached the door.

‘You make a run for it,’ said Perkins, ‘I’ll cover you.’

‘And then what?’

He thought for a moment.

‘I don’t know.’

‘We so almost had him,’ I murmured. ‘ Shit .’

‘Language,’ said Tiger.

‘Sorry.’

I was still trying to think of a plan when I heard a young woman’s voice.

‘All Powerful Blix,’ it went, ‘I have always loved and admired you. Take me with you.’

It was Samantha. She had reaugmented herself back to perfect gorgeousness and was approaching Blix, who had improved himself, too. His hair was no longer streaked with grey, he was ten years younger, four inches taller and physically stronger. He was temporarily as powerful as any sorcerer that had ever been. Of course, he’d be back to normal once he’d used up the power in the Dibble, but a clever mage can do a lot with four GigaShandars. A castle, a fast car, a wardrobe full of mouse-fur suits – you name it.

He smiled and put out his hand to take hers.

‘Samantha,’ he said, ‘are you ready and willing to obey my every command?’

‘Yes, yes, I shall,’ she replied eagerly, ‘for every evil genius there must be a ludicrously beautiful woman apparently doing very little at his side.’

‘I see that you and I speak the same language.’

‘I hope so,’ she said demurely, ‘but it’s been three years, and you could have made a bit more effort.’

He raised an eyebrow.

‘More effort? To do what?’

‘To learn my name. You don’t pronounce the first “A” !’

She attempted to grab his fingers. It was a brave attempt on her behalf, but futile. In an instant there was nothing but a small and very pretty guinea pig scurrying around the floor making loud weep-weep-weep noises.

‘What has the world come to,’ said Blix to the room in general, ‘when an evil genius can’t even trust pretty girls that throw themselves at him?’

We ducked back down behind the fountain.

‘That was brave,’ said Perkins.

‘Jennifer,’ came Blix’s voice again, ‘it’s time to show yourself. It’s been fun all this back and forth, but I’ve got better things to do than monkey around with amateurs.’

‘I’ll be out in a minute,’ I shouted, ‘I just have to do something.’

‘What’s he going to do with us?’ whispered Perkins.

‘With that amount of power, almost anything he wants. We’ve not a hope of vanquishing him now.’

Tiger snapped his fingers.

‘Unless we can get someone to marry him. Vision BO55, remember? His wife would be greater and more powerful than he, and ultimately be the agent of his downfall .’

‘Brilliant,’ said Perkins. ‘What’s your plan? Marry him to a dangerously insane sorcerer with ten Gig of crackle on tap?’

‘It was just a thought.’

‘What if he were already married?’ came a voice. ‘What if an impressionable young girl had married him in secret against her better judgement and against the advice of her other, better suitor?’

We turned towards the person speaking. It was Once Magnificent Boo. She had taken refuge behind an upturned table. It took a moment to figure it out. Zambini, Blix and Boo had once been close, then fell out. If Boo had chosen Blix over Zambini, it would explain why.

‘You’re Mrs Blix?’ I asked.

‘When was this vision?’ she asked.

I told her it was just after she had won the seven golds at the Olympics. I saw her jaw tighten and she pulled her gloves off, revealing hands that were missing the index fingers. She looked at them, then at us. Then she stood up.

‘Hello, Conrad,’ she said, and we peered cautiously over the parapet of the fountain to see what would happen next.

‘Ah,’ he said, ‘Boo. You can leave. My argument is not with you.’

‘But mine,’ she replied, ‘is with you. I just heard that you sought a vision from Sister Yolanda and received one: that your wife – me – would be more powerful than you, and ultimately vanquish you?’

He swallowed nervously.

‘I was married. I was young. I was foolish. I was just checking .’

‘You wanted to check I wouldn’t be greater than you?’

‘No,’ he said in a quiet voice, ‘I wanted to check we’d be happy.’

Perkins, Tiger and I exchanged glances. Only a fool or someone in love asks a precog how things will turn out.

‘And you couldn’t be happy if I was better than you?’

Blix looked sheepish for a moment.

‘You had me kidnapped,’ she said slowly as she figured it out. ‘ You did this to me .’

She showed him her hands and I saw him blanch for a moment as even he realised just how hideously cruel he had been.

‘I trusted you,’ she said, her voice only rising slightly as she kept herself under control, ‘and I could have been someone. We all could have been someone. You, me and Zambini – a force for good in this world. You didn’t just destroy me, you sabotaged a lifetime of research, discovery and the advance of magic as a noble art. Do you have any idea what you have done ?’

We looked at Blix, waiting for an answer. There wasn’t one, of course.

‘Yeah, well,’ he said with a shrug, ‘we’ve already established I’m unpleasant, untrustworthy and . . . and . . . and—’

‘Devious?’ I suggested.

‘Devious. Right. So what are you going to do about it? You’ve got nothing . Two wizards in a room and only one of them has fingers. Not much of a stand-off, is it?’