Jasper Fforde - The Song of the Quarkbeast

The surge had not left the sorcerers unharmed. Most had severe bruising to their fingers and an outbreak of warts, but six suffered passive spelling. The mildest was simply a case of migrated ear, [44] This was Roger Limpet. The ear drifted down on to the chin, if you’re really interested. It took two weeks to migrate back. It would have taken less, but he kept on picking at it. while the worst was Francesca Derwent, who spent the next two weeks as a cod. She recovered fully, aside from a tendency to gape a little too much, and have eyes that were just a teeny weeny bit close to the side of her head for comfort.

We could sense the air of excitement long before we walked into the dining room at Zambini Towers, and were met with a roar of applause, and a standing ovation for Patrick and Moobin. By directing the excess energy efficiently, they had done very little damage, and none of it permanent. [45] Not quite true. Patrick’s dropping of thirty-two cars from three feet when the Moose suffered his fatal blowout caused M29,000 worth of damage. It was fortuitous that Jennifer had asked Tenbury for an amnesty for that day’s spelling. The repair bills were eventually paid out of the Minister of Infernal Affairs’ rubber-stamp budget, much to the Useless Brother’s annoyance.

For all the retired sorcerers it was the first piece of truly practical magic they had committed outside the Towers’ walls for several decades. Almost all recognised Once Magnificent Boo, and although sulky and reticent to begin with, she soon moved from utter silence to monosyllables, which was a step forward. I knew I could never persuade her to move to Zambini Towers, but her magicozoology expertise would be invaluable in the future.

The Price brothers turned up in time for pudding, straight out of prison and eager to know how it all turned out. They were almost immediately set upon by Boo, who demanded to know whether any Quarkbeasts were harmed in their Cambrian thermowizidrical detonation tests in the eighties, and the Prices, while unwilling to explain their methodology for obvious reasons, were happy to confirm that no Quarkbeasts were harmed in any way.

‘Okay,’ said Boo.

‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast in a relieved tone.

After that was settled, the Wizard Moobin made a speech, and directed several positive comments towards my conduct which made me blush and stare at the cutlery. Tiger and Perkins were mentioned, and we held a minute’s silence for the no longer Transient Moose, and welcomed the Quarkbeast back into the fold.

And that was when Samantha Flynt appeared at the door of the dining room. There was a sudden hush as everyone stared at her. She looked as though she had been crying and was every bit as annoyingly pretty and perfect close up as she was from a distance.

‘Are you staring because she’s so lovely?’ I said to Perkins.

‘Not at all,’ he replied unconvincingly, ‘it’s because I didn’t expect to see her here.’

She was invited in and offered a seat and some food, which, after we explained was always this bad, she accepted gratefully.

‘I’m sorry,’ she sniffed, ‘but I didn’t know where to go.’

‘There, there,’ said Moobin, offering her his handkerchief.

She explained that Blix had helped snare the Quarkbeast, but didn’t know the details of Blix’s attempt to seize power, nor where he was now. The colonel, apparently, would have been made Lord Chief Adviser.

‘Can I stay?’ she said, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

‘Absolutely, my dear,’ said Moobin.

‘Samantha Flynt is very pretty, isn’t she?’ said Kevin Zipp in a dreamy manner once she had left the table to go to the bathroom.

‘I thought that a bit, at first ,’ replied Perkins, glancing at me, ‘but not any more.’

We listened for a moment as Moobin tried to describe what it was like to suddenly be on the receiving end of more crackle than it was safe to handle.

‘I was lucky to have Patrick with me,’ he said. ‘If I’d had to offload all that power on my own I wouldn’t be here now.’

We all nodded sagely and I turned back to Perkins.

‘Close thing, wasn’t it?’

‘It was worth it to hear the Song of the Quarkbeast.’

‘Quark,’ said the Quarkbeast, who was under the table, chewing on a saucepan.

‘I don’t think we should hear it again,’ I mused. ‘Twice would be pushing our luck. Listen, I’m sorry for sending you to Blix. I didn’t know he’d see through you so easily.’

‘That was my fault,’ he said cheerily. ‘It was all going well until he found me rifling through his filing cabinet. I should have locked the door. I’m new to all this cloak-and-dagger stuff. He realised what I was there for, and in a twinkling reduced all his records to rice pudding to avoid further scrutiny.’

This was disappointing.

‘I guess we’ll never know about Vision BO55, then.’

‘Oh, I found that out,’ said Perkins. ‘Blix caught me after I read it.’

Tiger and I stared at him. Even the Quarkbeast looked interested, and Moobin, whom we had quickly brought up to speed on events while he was away in jail, was keen to know more.

‘The vision was nothing specific,’ said Perkins. ‘It just stated that Blix’s wife would be greater and more powerful than he, and ultimately the agent of his downfall.’

‘He’s not married,’ said Full Price. ‘Sorcerers rarely are. So what does it relate to?’

We all looked at Kevin Zipp for an answer.

‘Search me,’ he said. ‘It wasn’t my vision, anyway – it was Sister Yolanda’s. But if she says he’s married, then I suppose he will be – or was, or is.’

We mused on this for a moment. Sister Yolanda was usually right, but without Blix here to question, it would have to remain a mystery.

‘Look,’ I said, ‘Dame Corby.’

She was standing at the door as self-conscious as a latecomer to their own party. Standing with her was Tchango Muttney, who was only there because of no better option, and next to them both, Samantha.

‘She doesn’t look as though the ants obey her,’ said Tiger, commenting on Dame Corby’s appearance, which was that of a rather small, ineffective-looking woman, who didn’t like to look anyone in the eye.

‘iMagic is finished, the traitor Blix has fled,’ announced Dame Corby in a resigned voice. ‘We humbly beg to join your establishment in whatever capacity you think fit.’

She looked at Tchango, who nodded, utterly humiliated.

It was embarrassing for us, too, to hear a licensed sorcerer beg in this manner. It also proved what we had thought for some time: that Dame Corby’s shares in the family trouser-press business were not doing as well as she had boasted.

‘You are welcome here,’ said Moobin as he strode forward to greet them in the traditional manner, ‘but your status and duties will be decided by a committee led by our acting manager.’

Moobin introduced them and they shook my hand in a doubtful manner. I knew for a fact that Blix had referred to me as ‘that upstart foundling’ and it looked as if they shared the sentiment.

‘I have heard great things about you,’ said Dame Corby in a voice taut with forced politeness.

‘I too,’ said Tchango.

‘I’m Samantha Flynt,’ said Samantha in a breezy tone, giving me her hand to shake, ‘but it’s pronounced without the first “A”.’

‘Smantha?’

‘That’s it. I don’t have my licence yet, but I’m working very hard on my studies. It’s tricky because, well,’ she tapped her temple with a fingertip, ‘I’ve not much upstairs. Why are you staring at me?’

I took a step back and nudged Moobin.