Зенна Гендерсон - The Anything Box

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She had a very regular pattern. When the avalanche of children first
descended at recess, she avalanched along with them and nothing in the
shrieking, running, dodging mass resolved itself into a withdrawn Sue-lynn.
But after ten minutes or so, she emerged from the crowd, tousle-haired,
rosy-cheeked, smutched with dust, one shoelace dangling, and through some
alchemy that I coveted for myself, she suddenly became untousled, undusty and
un-smutched.
And there she was, serene and composed on the narrow little step at the
side of the flight of stairs just where they disappeared into the base of the
pseudo-Corinthian column that graced Our Door and her cupped hands received
whatever they received and her absorption in what she saw became so complete
that the bell came as a shock every time.
And each time, before she joined the rush to Our Door, her hand would
sketch a gesture to her pocket, if she had one, or to the tiny ledge that
extended between the hedge and the building. Apparently she always had to put
the Anything Box away, but never had to go back to get it.
I was so intrigued by her putting whatever it was on the ledge that once I
actually went over and felt along the grimy little outset. I sheepishly
followed my children into the hall, wiping the dust from my fingertips, and
Sue-lynn's eyes brimmed amusement at me without her mouth's smiling. Her hands
mischievously squared in front of her and her thumbs caressed a solidness as
the line of children swept into the room.
I smiled too because she was so pleased with having outwitted me. This
seemed to be such a gay withdrawal that I let my worry die down. Better this
manifestation than any number of other ones that I could name.
Someday, perhaps, I'll learn to keep my mouth shut. I wish I had before
that long afternoon when we primary teachers worked together in a heavy cloud
of Ditto fumes, the acrid smell of India ink, drifting cigarette smoke and the
constant current of chatter, and I let Alpha get me started on what to do with
our behavior problems. She was all raunched up about the usual rowdy loudness
of her boys and the eternal clack of her girls, and I—bless my stupidity—gave
her Sue-lynn as an example of what should be our deepest concern rather than
the outbursts from our active ones.
"You mean she just sits and looks at nothing?" Alpha's voice grated into
her questioning tone.
"Well, I can't see anything," I admitted. "But apparently she can."
"But that's having hallucinations!" Her voice went up a notch. "I read a
book once—"
"Yes." Marlene leaned across the desk to flick ashes in the ash tray. "So
we have heard and heard and heard!"
"Well!" sniffed Alpha. "It's better than never reading a book."
"We're waiting," Marlene leaked smoke from her nostrils, "for the day when
you read another book. This one must have been uncommonly long."
"Oh, I don't know." Alpha's forehead wrinkled with concentration. "It was
only about—" Then she reddened and turned her face angrily away from Marlene.
"Apropos of our discussion—" she said pointedly. "It sounds to me like that
child has a deep personality disturbance. Maybe even a psychotic—whatever—"
Her eyes glistened faintly as she turned the thought over.
"Oh, I don't know," I said, surprised into echoing her words at my sudden
need to defend Sue-lynn. "There's something about her. She doesn't have that
apprehensive, hunched-shoulder, don't-hit-me-again air about her that so many
withdrawn children have." And I thought achingly of one of mine from last year
that Alpha had now and was verbally bludgeoning back into silence after all my
work with him. "She seems to have a happy, adjusted personality, only with
this odd little—plus."
"Well, I'd be worried if she were mine," said Alpha. "I'm glad all my kids
are so normal." She sighed complacently. "I guess I really haven't anything to
kick about. I seldom ever have problem children except wigglers and yakkers,
and a holler and a smack can straighten them out"
Marlene caught my eye mockingly, tallying Alpha's class with me, and I
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turned away with a sigh. To be so happy— well, I suppose ignorance does help.
"You'd better do something about that girl," Alpha shrilled as she left the
room. "She'll probably get worse and worse as time goes on. Deteriorating, I
think the book said."
I had known Alpha a long time and I thought I knew how much of her talk to
discount, but I began to worry about Sue-lynn. Maybe this was a disturbance
that was more fundamental than the usual run of the mill that I had met up
with. Maybe a child can smile a soft, contented smile and still have little
maggots of madness flourishing somewhere inside.
Or, by gorry! I said to myself defiantly, maybe she does have an Anything
Box. Maybe she is looking at something precious. Who am I to say no to
anything like that?
An Anything Box! What could you see in an Anything Box? Heart's desire? I
felt my own heart lurch—just a little—the next time Sue-lynn's hands curved. I
breathed deeply to hold me in my chair. If it was her Anything Box, I wouldn't
be able to see my heart's desire in it. Or would I? I propped my cheek up on
my hand and doodled aimlessly on my time schedule sheet. How on earth, I
wondered—not for the first time—do I manage to get myself off on these
tangents?
Then I felt a small presence at my elbow and turned to meet Sue-lynn's wide
eyes.
"Teacher?" The word was hardly more than a breath.
"Yes?" I could tell that for some reason Sue-lynn was loving me dearly at
the moment. Maybe because her group had gone into new books that morning.
Maybe because I had noticed her new dress, the ruffles of which made her feel
very feminine and lovable, or maybe just because the late autumn sun lay so
golden across her desk. Anyway, she was loving me to overflowing, and since,
unlike most of the children, she had no casual hugs or easy moist kisses, she
was bringing her love to me in her encompassing hands.
"See my box, Teacher? It's my Anything Box."
"Oh, my!" I said. "May I hold it?"
After all, I have held—tenderly or apprehensively or bravely—tiger magic,
live rattlesnakes, dragon's teeth, poor little dead butterflies and two ears
and a nose that dropped off Sojie one cold morning—none of which I could see
any more than I could the Anything Box. But I took the squareness from her
carefully, my tenderness showing in my fingers and my face.
And I received weight and substance and actuality!
Almost I let it slip out of my surprised fingers, but Sue-lynn's
apprehensive breath helped me catch it and I curved my fingers around the
precious warmness and looked down, down, past a faint shimmering, down into
Sue-lynn's Anything Box.
I was running barefoot through the whispering grass. The swirl of my skirts
caught the daisies as I rounded the gnarled apple tree at the corner. The warm
wind lay along each of my cheeks and chuckled in my ears. My heart outstripped
my flying feet and melted with a rush of delight into warmness as his arms—
I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, my palms tight against the Anything
Box. "It's beautiful!" I whispered. "It's wonderful, Sue-lynn. Where did you
get it?"
Her hands took it back hastily. "It's mine," she said defiantly. "It's
mine."
"Of course," I said. "Be careful now. Don't drop it."
She smiled faintly as she sketched a motion to her pocket. "I won't." She
patted the flat pocket on her way back to her seat.
Next day she was afraid to look at me at first for fear I might say
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