C. Bryant - Broken

With one clumsy move she’d managed to bring back painful memories of both the mother he never knew and the woman he loved and lost. Now he wanted nothing to do with her. In response to his rejection, Kira rolled over toward the wall and curled into a ball. Her shell was a good place to be tonight.

For several minutes Kira numbly stared at the dark cobblestone wall, trying to figure out how she’d turned what began as a perfect day into a nightmare. At some point she found sleep, but it didn’t last. When she woke she heard Octavion put another log on the fire. She slowly turned to find him sitting on the rug with his back to her, one knee drawn up with his arm draped over it. She watched as the flames from the hot coals found life in the added chunk of wood. The hot sap caused the fire to snap, sending sparks into the air and up the chimney. The renewed flames licked the air, stealing the coolness from around the room.

She found herself thinking about what it would be like to lay in his arms. Not like before, but with no restraints or conditions. She wanted him. She needed him more than ever before. The reasons she’d conjured up for prolonging their intimacy seemed lost in her memories-a memory of violence and abuse. She no longer felt like the innocent girl he fell in love with near the falls, but a barren shell of a woman who had very little left to give. She had no reason to save something that served no purpose.

Before she could silence her thoughts, she stood behind him, waiting for him to take notice of her presence.

“Not tonight,” he said. His voice had a deep and throaty sound to it.

She remained standing behind him, not willing to accept his words. In one fluid motion, he stood and turned to face her. His eyes wandered down the full length of her body and then back up to meet her eyes-to gaze into her soul. She didn’t dare look away.

She took his hand and placed it over her heart, slipping his fingers between his shirt and her skin, letting him touch the skin just below her collar bone. His eyes shifted down to watch as she made his fingertips trace the base of her neck, feeling her racing pulse. She continued to guide them up her jaw and brush across her lower lip. She kissed the tip of his fingers and when his eyes found hers again they were threaded with tiny threads of gold.

“Make love to me,” she pleaded.

His eyes were uncertain. He shook his head, barely moving it from side to side. “No,” he finally said.

“But I want you to. I don’t want to wait anymore.”

He looked intently into her eyes. “Are you certain, Kira? This is what you want?”

She nodded.

He ran his hand through her auburn hair, stopping at the nape of her neck to pull her closer. He pressed his lips to hers, not holding back the passion she was sure he’d been suppressing for months. She melted into him as he gently lowered her body to the animal pelt. Propped up on one elbow, he leaned over to kiss her neck and take in her scent. One hand still held her head while the other slowly made its way up her thigh.

Her whole body pulsed with heat. She didn’t know how to react to these new feelings surging through her. She wanted this, she did. She felt sure she did. She closed her eyes and tried to relax by taking a deep breath, but it caught. Octavion tensed, pulling away from her and finding her eyes again.

“Are you crying?” he asked.

“No,” she lied.

“Kira, if you are not ready, we should wait.”

“I am ready. I’m just. .” She couldn’t find the words so she turned away to avoid his eyes. She didn’t want him to see the fear in them. She didn’t want him to see the real reason she needed him to be near her. She wasn’t even sure what that reason was until that very moment-she didn’t want to lose him. If he made love to her, he wouldn’t leave her for Serena. She knew it in her heart. But it was too late. Right before she averted her eyes she caught the reaction in his face. She’d faltered for a split second and he’d seen it in her soul. She wasn’t ready.

He helped her to sit then turned back to face the fire. “You should go back to the bed, Kira.”

She took his words as another rejection and began to cry, this time not hiding her emotions. A massive lump in her throat threatened to choke her as she sobbed. “I’m sorry,” she said as she drew her knees up under his shirt and wrapped her arms around them. “I’m so. . sorry.”

He slowly turned to question her, his voice tender. “Why did you change your mind? Why now?”

“I didn’t. You were the one that. . stopped.”

He wiped the tears from her cheeks and gently held her face between his hands. “No, you told me you wanted to wait, to save yourself. Why did you change your mind? I need to know.”

There were so many emotions racing through her at once, she didn’t know where to start. How could she tell him she feared losing him? How could she question the love and sacrifice he’d shown her? Hadn’t he proven himself time and time again? But that was all before he knew Serena lived, before Kira had everything she held sacred taken from her. Before, when their love felt pure and simple-when she was pure and simple.

Kira thought about his question one more time, trying to find the right words to express how she really felt. She needed to be straightforward and tell him the truth-she owed him that much. She sat back, wiped the tears from her eyes and said the words that she’d felt swimming around in her heart for days.

“There’s nothing left of me. . to save.”

She could feel the numbness of her shell taking over her emotions as she pushed herself away from him and stood. She went back to the bed, slid under the covers and faced the wall again. The room fell eerily quiet. She could hear no movement coming from behind her. Her words still hung in the air as if held there by an invisible thread. As her body began to tremble, she closed her eyes and ordered herself not to cry.

She didn’t hear him get up off the floor, only felt his weight as he sat on the edge of the bed. When his hand touched her side, she tightened the shell around her and willed him to go away, but he didn’t listen.

“Kira,” he whispered. So soft. So gentle. “I have something I need to say, but I need you to see my face. I need you to see the truth in my eyes.”

She couldn’t move. She felt wrapped in a cocoon with no way of escaping.

“Please, Kira.” He pulled the covers back, drew her into his arms and held her there. The warmth of his embrace melted the imaginary silk threads that bound her body. She wrapped her arms around him and laid her head against his chest. She still trembled, so he yanked the blankets off the bed, wrapped them around her, then stroked her hair.

“I would give my life if it would take your pain away. I cannot even imagine what they-”

“Stop,” she begged. “I don’t want to think about it.”

He took her by the shoulders and pushed her back to sit on the bed, holding her so she couldn’t retreat to the other side. He looked into her eyes for the longest time before he finally spoke.

“I can make you forget, Kira. I can take all those memories and put them away so you never have to think about them again. You tell me it is what you want and I will do it for you.”

His words sent images of Serena and Narissa through Kira’s head and how they’d suffered at the mercy of magic that should never have been used. They’d lost not only the bad memories, but also the good ones. As much as Kira wanted to forget what had been done to her, she wanted even more to remember her recovery and the strength she had gained from getting her life back. She wanted to have all the good memories that were twisted and tangled in with the bad. How many women had been abused who would never have the option to have their memories erased? It wasn’t fair to them and it wasn’t fair to Altaria. She’d gone through everything alongside Kira. Erasing it all would be like letting Shandira and her men get away with what they’d done.