Jeff Inlo - Nightmare's Shad

"So you think you don't deserve this?"

"You think I do?" Ryson sounded a bit surprised.

"Not at all. You absolutely don't deserve it, but I hope you're not saying that you want life to be fair, because we know what that gets us."

"No, I don't expect it to be fair, but is it too much to ask that certain things actually mean something? If they don't, then why do we bother? And if they do, why are we back where we started? Only now, it seems like things are much worse. I think that's what's really bothering me."

Finding Ryson's assertions almost alarming, Linda pointed out what she believed to be true.

"What we do matters a great deal, especially when we do what's right. You know, in the bar I hear a lot of talk. People say what's right and what's wrong and what they're going to do, but that's only talk. It matters more what you do , and I see that in people. You more than anyone. I'm even surprised you're thinking this way. Of course it matters what we do. Look at what you've done. You saved so many people. You saved all of Uton."

Ryson didn't want to discount his wife's opinion. He understood she was doing more than complimenting him. She was revealing her pride in what he had done, but pride would only go so far. It wasn't going to save them against Baannat, and rather than simply accept her praise, he dwelled upon his own misgivings.

"Yeah, I saved Uton; first by destroying a sphere and then helping to kill an evil slink ghoul. Seems like the ghoul didn't want to stay dead. And the magic from the sphere is now being used against all of us. Maybe Heteera was really wrong."

Linda didn't follow the connection to the sorceress who had come to her in order to obtain Ryson's help.

"She made a mistake. I wouldn't blame her."

"That's not what I'm talking about. She was more worried about the magic. She wanted to stop the dark creatures from entering the land in order to show how the magic has helped us. I'm not sure it's helping us at all."

"What about Enin?" Linda pointed out.

"Baannat wants him dead, too."

"That's not Enin's fault."

"This isn't about fault. It's about understanding what all this is for. I'm not trying to figure out the purpose of life or anything like that. I'm just wondering if any of this really matters. Actually, the truth is I don't even care if it matters. I'm tired."

Linda could sense the desperation growing in her husband. She knew it probably had more to do with her being in danger than anything else, but she could also see the frustration.

In a way, she couldn't argue with Ryson. He put his life on the line many times. He risked everything for every race in the land. Yes, he was becoming a legend, but he didn't want the glory, or the price that came with it. He just wanted peace and a chance to enjoy life. He wasn't getting either.

As they continued on their journey, she realized how lonely their surroundings had become. A few abandoned outposts dotted the trails, but it seemed that only the most brazen-or perhaps most foolish adventurers-utilized these paths. New growth from the forest claimed almost every passageway. Ryson's skills guided them, but it felt as if they were now the only inhabitants in the land.

"What are you really thinking?" Linda asked in order to keep the silence from overtaking them.

Ryson appeared to look around, as if to ensure they were truly alone. When he spoke, it was just above a whisper, just loud enough for Linda, and no one else, to hear.

"Maybe we should just take off to the north. Forget the mountains, forget the cliff behemoths. Let's just lose ourselves."

Linda was almost tempted to agree. Let the land sort out its own problems, but deep down she knew it wasn't that easy. Where could they go? Where would they really be safe from a maniacal wizard returned from the dead? How would Ryson live with the fact he turned his back on others? Perhaps more importantly, how would she feel about him if that's what he truly wanted?

She almost didn't want to ask the question, but there was no way to avoid it.

"You really think that's the best choice?"

"I'm not sure, but I think it's better than us being separated."

Linda appreciated the sentiment, agreed with it, but only to a point. There were others to consider.

"And what about the algors?"

"Will I really do them any good?"

"So you would just leave them to Baannat?"

And here, Ryson made his case. It wasn't just about him. It was about how the rules seemed to stack against him no matter what he did.

"Maybe I'm not leaving them, maybe I'm really doing them a favor. I'm looking back at everything I've done. Some say I've saved Uton, just like you did. But where has it gotten us? All of us? The sphere was going to destroy the land. Well, now Baannat is going to destroy the land. Seems like we're back at square one. I'm not sure I've saved anything. I think I just keep moving things in a circle."

"So we remove ourselves from the circle. That's what you want?"

"Maybe."

He heaved a heavy sigh and then continued with a weary voice.

"You're asking me about the algors. Well, why are the algors in danger? Mostly because of me.Seems like the algors keep getting punished for things that I've done. I pulled them into entering Sanctum. They got blamed for a dwarf prince getting killed in there, so the dwarves attacked them, killed thousands."

"That wasn't your fault or the algors' fault."

"You keep talking about fault. It's not about fault. It's about what matters. I'm starting to think nothing matters and maybe we should just accept it and get out of here as fast as we can."

Linda looked into Ryson's eyes. She could see the uncertainty now. She knew he didn't like the idea of leaving her, but she now realized it went far beyond that as well. He was questioning everything he had ever done-every brave action, every selfless deed, everything that made her so very proud to be with him.

"We can't," she said with a certainty that surprised the delver.

"We can do anything," he responded almost defensively.

"No, we can't. You can't become something you're not. If you do, it really will be the end. The end of us, the end of you, the end of everything that brought us together… that keeps us together. I know this isn't about fear, but I think you're losing yourself, and that's what really scares me, more than being hunted by Baannat."

Ryson almost grimaced. He knew she was right. He was questioning himself, questioning what he believed in because he didn't know what that meant anymore. He was, however, tired-very tired. Tired of fighting battles and wars beyond his reckoning. He was a delver, not some legendary warrior. He wanted simplicity. He was curious in nature, not bold and daring. He wanted to spend the day exploring and then come home to Linda. He wanted an end to the struggles.

Struggles.

That was what Lief said they faced, but deep down he knew it went further than that. Ingar's sphere wanted to destroy everything, wanted to end the struggle-the struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, life and death. He destroyed the sphere and the struggle continued. Was he now sorry?

"I guess I really am just tired," Ryson suggested.

Linda almost accepted that as the end of the discussion, but she couldn't. He wasn't letting go of his doubts and he had nothing to take hold of for hope. As she looked upon him, she noticed the two short war blades sheathed to his hips, blades that Sy had given him to replace what he had lost. The Sword of Decree that he carried on his back was noticeably absent.

"You miss your sword, don't you?"

"Miss it?"

"Yes. I'm not saying you depended on it, but it did have a way to point you in the right direction. In the back of your mind, you knew it was there for you. You don't have it with you anymore. It's a hole."