Sara Larson - Defy

“So, you joined the Insurgi, and now you’re here with this group — whoever they are. But you were trying to kill Prince Damian, and these people are trying to keep him alive. Why are you here? And what do they want from him?” I watched her intently.

“I don’t know what they want. When Eljin saved me, he took me to Lisbet and she brought me to this group. I wasn’t given a choice to return to the Insurgi. And no one will tell me what they’re up to.”

She didn’t seem to be lying, but she kept looking down at her hands, instead of meeting my gaze.

The tent flap opened again and this time, Rylan walked in. I noticed the way Tanoori nervously watched him, her eyes following his every move.

“I got a fire going and Lisbet said the food would be ready in a little bit,” he said as he tossed his bedroll onto the hard ground. Then he turned to Tanoori. “What are you doing in here? Aren’t you supposed to be helping make dinner or something?”

She jumped up with a nod. “Sorry, I’d better go.”

I wasn’t sure who she was apologizing to or for what, but then she was gone, leaving me alone with Rylan.

“Is that the girl who tried to kill Prince Damian?”

“Yes, it is.”

He stared after her for a minute, then shook his head. “If they want to keep him alive, why would they rescue the girl who tried to kill him and bring her along?”

“I don’t know.”

Our eyes met and locked. All the tension from the long day of not speaking rose up again.

“I’m getting sick of saying I’m sorry ,” I said.

“Then quit doing things you have to say sorry for,” he responded. But he looked like he was trying to contain a smile.

I stood up and began to pace the small perimeter of our tent. “I honestly don’t know how to act. I don’t know what to do.” Rylan stood still, watching me. “So many people suddenly know I’m a girl that it seems ridiculous to keep pretending to be a boy. But it’s all I’ve done for three years.”

“Just be yourself,” he said.

“I don’t even know what that means anymore. Who I am is who I’ve had to be to survive. And if Iker and the king ever find out … or Deron …” I stopped and stared down at the ground, fear churning the bile in my stomach. Death or worse would await me if King Hector and Iker found out, we both knew that. And I had no idea what Deron would do.

Finally, Rylan moved, coming over to where I stood, and took my arms in his hands. He looked down at me with such tenderness that my heart constricted. “Everything is going to be okay, Alexa. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I promise. Not even the king.”

I stared up at him, my heart in my throat. What was wrong with me? A week ago, I wouldn’t even let myself admit that I found any man attractive. And now my heart couldn’t seem to remember how to beat normally whenever Rylan or Damian came near me — or when either of them touched me as Rylan was right now.

“Are you two planning on eating?”

Rylan jumped back as though he’d been burned and I whirled around to see Tanoori holding back a flap of our tent, her expression shadowed in the darkness.

“Yes, sorry. We’re coming.” Rylan recovered first, striding out of the tent and over to the fire, where Lisbet and Prince Damian already sat on a log someone had pulled up.

When I started to walk past Tanoori, she leaned toward my ear. “For just barely admitting you’re a girl, you sure do get around fast,” she said, her voice so low, no one else could have heard her.

I stopped and stared at her, but she looked at me in perfect innocence, smiling cordially.

“Hungry?” she asked brightly. “I believe your prince saved you some food.”

And with that, she turned and walked away, disappearing into the darkness beyond our fire.

I looked at the fire, where Rylan, Damian, and Lisbet sat, watching me, waiting for me to join them. And it was suddenly all too much. I couldn’t face them. Or maybe it was that I couldn’t face myself.

Tanoori’s words rang in my ears, making my cheeks grow hot. I wasn’t pretty and I knew it. Maybe if I grew my hair and dressed like a girl. Maybe if I didn’t have hands callused from sword practice, or well-muscled arms and shoulders from training. I wasn’t soft, I wasn’t feminine. I barely even knew how to talk like a girl anymore, after years of purposely lowering my voice.

And yet when Damian and Rylan looked at me, I felt like they were looking at me the way a man looked at someone he found attractive. It was thrilling — and confusing.

I turned around and went back into the tent and lay down on my bedroll, curling into a ball on my side. I stared at Rylan’s empty spot next to me, and tears suddenly burned my eyes. I wanted Marcel to be here with me. I longed for my brother. Even more impossibly, I wished Mama were still alive. If my parents hadn’t been killed, none of this would have happened. I would have met a boy who liked my hazel eyes or my long, dark hair. It had been so thick and shiny — the one thing about me that had truly been beautiful. I reached up to finger my short hair, then I remembered Damian doing the same thing, and I shoved my hand into my armpit instead.

When I heard someone approaching, I rolled onto my other side. The flap to the tent opened, and I felt someone standing there, looking at me. But I kept still, made my breathing even.

After a moment, whoever it was left, leaving me alone with my regrets, my impossible wishes, and my foolish heart.

WE TRAVELED FOR days the same way. Each morning, we had to wake at dawn, force down the little bit of tasteless, dried food our captors gave us, pack up our tents and bedrolls, and be ready to march out of camp before the sun had even risen above the trees. We had no pack animals, so we had to take the tent poles apart and roll them up in the canvas, then strap all of it to our backs. Rylan and I took turns, alternating days to carry the tent. He tried to do it every day, but when I got upset at him for treating me like I was weak, he backed off.

I mentioned to Lisbet that I should just take off the binding, since everyone knew I was a girl anyway, but she flatly refused. “You must keep up the pretense of being a boy for all of the hidden eyes watching you.” I wasn’t sure what she meant, but the look on her face made me shiver. I kept the binding on.

We weren’t given any weapons, but I wasn’t as frightened of the jungle with at least one powerful sorcerer nearby. I was pretty sure he’d save me if some jungle animal tried to make me its meal again.

Prince Damian alternated walking with Lisbet and Jax, and staying up front where I couldn’t see him. He did eat with us once or twice, and though he was cordial to Rylan and me, and surprisingly friendly with Lisbet and Jax, he didn’t try to speak to me alone again. I buried my disappointment and told myself I didn’t care. But deep down, I knew I was lying. I’d actually let myself start to believe he cared about me.

Lisbet hovered close by most of the time. I often caught her watching me surreptitiously, and it made me nervous. Once, I dared ask her about her ability to heal, but she’d ignored me and dropped back to walk behind me for a while. Jax had decided he liked me, though, and would often walk next to me when Damian was gone, chatting about the different types of plants or animals we saw. I didn’t have to say much to keep him going, which was a relief. He’d just talk and talk as long as I nodded and agreed every once in a while. Rylan walked next to us, piping in now and again.

The only good fortune I had was that Tanoori decided to keep her distance. It was a relief not to have her popping up, threatening me with arrows one minute, trying to gossip with me the next, and accusing me of being a harlot the minute after that.