James Islington - The Shadow Of What Was Lost

“I really am sorry,” he said eventually, regret thick in his voice. “I know you don’t remember, but it was madness, that morning. Everyone was terrified, shocked… not thinking straight. I’m not trying to justify what I did,” he added, “ but at the time, I felt like I had no choice.” He indicated his burned arm apologetically.

Asha said nothing for a time. A part of her was furious beyond belief at the Elder, didn’t want to believe a word he said. But then, she couldn’t imagine what her reaction would have been… seeing Wirr, Davian….

“Why did you wait until we were in front of the Council to tell me about….” A sudden spurt of emotion choked her words, and she looked away.

Ilseth moved forward, laying his hand on her shoulder. “It wasn’t an easy decision,” he said softly. “But if I had told you on the road, what would you have done?”

Asha paused, considering. “I would have wanted to go back,” she admitted.

Ilseth nodded. “I think you would have tried to go back. Or… worse. The three of us by ourselves weren’t equipped to deal with that. And as you can imagine, the Council needed to hear my report as soon as possible. We couldn’t afford any delays.” He rubbed his forehead. “What happened to you was not fair, Ashalia, and I don’t expect your forgiveness. But - please, just know how sorry I am.”

Asha sighed. She was still angry, still hurting, but sleep had dulled the pain and brought some clarity back to her. She hated what Ilseth had done - but it was unfair to place the blame entirely at his feet. Not given the circumstances.

“I… accept your apology,” she said stiffly.

Ilseth gave her an appreciative smile. “Thank-you.”

"And I want to help." Asha crossed her arms. "You said that there was a reason I was left alive. That I might be a… clue, in what’s been happening. Anything I can do…."

"Of course." Ilseth nodded. "I’m sure the Council will be seeking your cooperation soon. Until then, though, the smart course of action is to stay here in the Tol. Blend in, keep your head down. The last thing we want is to draw attention."

Asha frowned. "There’s nothing I can do now? Straight away?"

Ilseth shook his head. "I know it must be hard, but being patient is the best way you can contribute at the moment. Don’t worry, though. You’ll get your opportunity."

Asha sighed. She didn’t like the answer - but for now at least, there didn’t seem to be any alternative. "Elder Eilinar said there were other schools that were attacked?" she asked eventually.

Ilseth nodded. “Arris and Dasari. The same as Caladel. But no survivors.”

Asha swallowed. The thought that someone out there was strong enough to attack, to obliterate entire schools was frightening, to say the least. “Do you know if it’s Hunters? Or is it someone else?”

“I have no idea. I wish I did,” said the Elder, sincere regret in his tone. “We will find out who is responsible, though, I promise you that much. And I’ll make sure that if we learn anything new, you are the first to know.”

"What about Administration?" Asha frowned. "Shouldn’t they be looking into it too? Isn’t their protection of the Gifted supposed to be part of the Treaty?"

"Administration are… conducting their own investigation." Ilseth made a face. "The Northwarden himself is heading it up, and our relationship with him is even worse than usual right now. They probably know more than we do - their resources are considerable, and Administrators being killed concerns them greatly, even if protecting the Gifted does not. But if they do find anything, they are not likely to share it with us."

Asha bit her lip, suddenly hit by a wave of sadness as she thought of Talean. For some reason, when she’d heard about the attack, she had assumed the Administrator would have been spared. "Surely if we offered to work with them, though… I mean, I would be happy to talk to -"

"No." Ilseth shook his head. "If Administration find out about you, they will assume the worst - that you’re a conspirator, allowed to live because you had some role in the attack. You’re not protected by the Tenets any more, Ashalia. If they get hold of you, there will be nothing stopping them from trying to extract information any way they see fit."

Asha paled. "Surely they wouldn’t -"

"They would. Believe me." Ilseth’s expression was serious. "We’ve gone to great lengths to protect you, to make sure they don’t know there was a survivor. Your name is on Administration’s records as a student from Caladel, so we’ll be organising a new identity for you. You may have noticed that there was no Administrator present when we spoke to the Council - not even a Scrivener to record the session? As far as Administration or anyone outside the Council is concerned, you will simply be another Shadow who failed her Trials and has come to work at the Tol. If you want to stay safe, make sure you keep it that way."

Asha frowned, but gave a reluctant nod.

Ilseth took a deep breath. “Speaking of your safety, Elder Eilinar has made you my responsibility. I’ve organised a position for you amongst the other Shadows here, so that you’ll blend in - their work is mostly related to copying out the Tol’s rarer texts, from what I understand. I assume you know how to read and write well enough?”

“Of course.”

“Then I’ll be by tomorrow morning to take you to the library.” He gestured towards the door. “When you’re not working, you will have free rein of the Tol, though I think – and the Council has agreed – that it is best if you don’t go into Ilin Illan itself. If you were left alive for a reason, then whoever carried out the attack may want you for another purpose. May even have followed us, and know you are here.”

Asha felt a chill run through her. “I won’t go anywhere.”

“Good.” Ilseth glanced at the Decay Clock, then stood. “Now. There are other matters to which I need to attend, but I’ll return in the morning - take you to the library, introduce you, get you settled in."

“Thank-you.”

Ilseth shook his head. “Not at all. I can’t imagine how hard this all must be to take in.” He leaned over and gave her a light, reassuring squeeze on the arm. “The next few days are going to be a bit of an adjustment, so if you need anything - anything at all - please let me know. I want to do everything I can to help.”

He gave Asha a comforting smile and then headed out, closing the door quietly behind him.

She was alone once again.

Asha rubbed her forehead, trying to focus on the text in front of her.

The library was quiet today, for which she was grateful. She wasn’t sure she could handle another Gifted staring at her in thinly veiled discomfort, or another Administrator treating her like so much dirt.

It had been only a week since she’d arrived at the Tol, and already her life felt… less. Every day was the same. Repetitive, meaningless transcription work in the library. Being ignored by almost everyone around her. Assurances from Ilseth that the Tol’s investigation was ongoing, but no answers, nor any way for her to help get them.

And above all, the reality of what had happened at the school - the reality of Davian’s death - settling in just a little deeper.

Asha’s vision blurred for a second, and she shook her head, taking a deep breath. She was always tired, now; she’d had difficulty sleeping almost every night since being made a Shadow, and arriving at the Tol hadn’t changed that. If anything, it had made things worse. The need to do something - anything - to find out what had happened at Caladel sat in the pit of her stomach, always there, but worse at nights when there was no work to distract her. And it was a need she had no idea how to fulfil.