David Gerrold - A Matter for Men

"Huh-?"

"Shut up and scrub-I haven't finished my story."

"Ted, you can't tell lies like that-"

"How should I tell them?"

"You know what I mean. Not to congressmen and generals and God knows who else!"

"Jim, it didn't matter. No two of them were paying any attention to anything except what was coming out of their own mouths -or going in. And when they were ready to drift on to the next party, I drifted with them. And met another roomful of people and did it again. I listened to the gossip and picked out the most important-it's easy to tell, the gossip gets particularly nastyand got as close to them as I could. I went through seven parties that way, each one better than the last. There was a United Nations reception, just for the diplomatic corps-did you know half the world is here? Your Uncle Sam rented a ballroom-I met a senator over the guacamole dip-but it was the Communists who had the most lavish spread. They were in the Imperial Suite. And I even got into the Society for Wholesale Aggression; now, there's a weird bunch. But useful. Do you know how important mercenaries are to the balance of world power?"

"No, and I don't care." On second thought: "Do they do assassinations? And how much do they charge?"

"Only character-and if you have to ask, you can't afford it." I started getting out of the shower, but Ted grabbed me. "Wait a minute-you haven't heard the best part."

"Yes, I have!"

He pulled me back into an affectionate hug. "You're beautiful when you're angry-"

"Knock it off, Ted!"

"-and I love it when you play hard to get." But he let me go. I stepped away hotly. The only thing keeping Theodore Andrew Nathaniel Jackson alive now was my inability to think of a convenient way to dispose of the body.

I stood under the shower again-he'd gotten soap all over my back. The spray was alternating between warm rain and hot needle-jets. "I want you to cut that out, Ted."

"You don't have to worry-everybody knows it's all over between us now, anyway. I met this girl last night, and let her `cure' me. Oh, I didn't want to, Jim. I tried to be faithful-I told her I had made a solemn commitment-but she convinced me to try it once the other way-and she was right. That was all I needed."

"Terrific. I'm very happy for you. You've not only convinced everybody I'm a fag-now I'm a jilted fag. And I don't even know how the whole thing started." I turned around under the shower, lifting my arms to rinse underneath them. At the exact same moment, the water spray went icy-a sudden pummeling jackhammer of very cold water, the run-off from the local glacier. "Aahhh!" said Ted. "Doesn't that feel great? Doesn't that just wake you up?"

I couldn't answer. I was too busy swearing-I was out of the shower and shivering into a towel before the walls stopped echoing. I was now completely awake, and it didn't matter anymore whether I had a way to dispose of the body or not.

"Answer the door, Jim!"

"Huh?"

"The door-can't you hear the knocking?"

I grouched out of the bathroom and puddled over to the door. "Yeah-?" I snarled.

It was a bony-looking woman with bassett-hound eyes. Why did she look familiar? Oh, yeah-the one who'd refilled Fromkin's drink. She'd been waiting on him all evening, now that I thought about it. "Hi, Jim," she said. "We haven't been formally introduced-" She grabbed my hand and pumped it. "-I'm Dinnie. Are you guys ready yet?" She had bad teeth.

"Uh-no."

"Okay, I'll wait." She swept past me and parked herself in the room's one chair.

"Uh-right. You do that." I grabbed some clothes and retreated to the bathroom.

"God," said Ted, stepping out of the shower bay. "Isn't morning wonderful?" He poked me in the ribs as he passed. "Yeah." I was thinking that no jury in the country would convict me. I pulled my clothes on quickly.

When I came out of the bathroom, Dinnie was just handing Ted a light brown T-shirt that said: NOT JUST ANOTHER LOVE STORY . . . "Here," she was saying, "This will drive the women crazy. "It shows off your muscles."

"Especially the one between his ears," I muttered. They ignored me.

Ted grinned and pulled on the shirt and a maroon windbreaker. He picked up his carryall and started for the door. "Come on, everybody ready? Let's go."

I grabbed my jacket and followed them. I squinted back sudden tears as we came out into the morning sun. I hadn't realized how bright Colorado could be in the daytime. Ted was already falling into the driver's seat of a long silver--

"Ted! Where did you get this?"

"I told you. Colonel Bustworth is an important man to know. You like it?"

"Isn't it a little ... ah ... extravagant?"

"There is no such thing as a little extravagance," Ted replied. "Are you getting in?" He turned the key and the engine roared to life with a guttural rumble that rattled windows for a kilometer around.

I climbed into the back. Ted didn't even wait for me to close the door, just hit the acceleration and climbed into the air at an angle steep enough to scare the nickels out of my jeans.

"Wheee-oww!" hollered Dinnie, with elaborate enthusiasm. She applauded the takeoff, and bowed in her seat to the pilot. Maybe it should be a double murder.

Ted leveled off into an easier climb. Dinnie turned around to look at me. "So wasn't Uncle Daniel terrific, Jim?"

"Who?"

"Dr. Fromkin."

"He's your uncle?"

"Well, not legally." She pointed her nose upward. "He's my spiritual uncle. Ideationists are all one big family, you know."

"Oh," I said.

"You met Fromkin?" That was Ted. "You didn't tell me."

"You didn't ask. He's um-interesting." I said to Dinnie, "Do you work for him?"

"Oh, no-but we're very good friends. I probably know him better than anybody. The man's a genius."

"If you say so." I didn't know. He had seemed like just another pompous ass to me.

She said, "Plowboys should never pull on number-one guns. You're lucky he was in a good mood." She explained to Ted. "Jim challenged him."

"Jim?" Ted was quietly incredulous. "Our Jimmy?"

"I just asked him about-oh, never mind." My face was burning.

Dinnie turned to me. "So how was Jillanna?"

"Huh?" said Ted. "Who's Jillanna?"

"Jim went off with her last night. Everybody noticed."

"I hadn't realized I was so... popular," I mumbled.

"Oh, it wasn't you. It's Jillanna. She's got quite a reputation. There was this Air Force colonel who died in the saddle-a `massive coronary event'-but Jillanna didn't stop; not until she finished her own ride. You've got to respect a woman with that kind of control. And let's face it-how many can fuck you till your ears bleed?" Dinnie looked at me with wide-eyed frankness. "So, punkin? Was she good enough to stop your heart?"

"Mmfle," I mmfled. "I didn't do anything with her." Maybe I should just throw myself from the car.

"That's our Jimmy," said Ted. I could see the grin even on the back of his head.

"What a waste," said Dinnie, turning forward again. "Jillanna is so beautiful. She even put the make on me once, but I had to turn her down. Now I wish I hadn't, but I had taken a vow of celibacy for a year. Just to prove I could. There were just too many people trying to climb into my panties. Mother! I was wearing myself out."

Something in the back of my head went twang. Ted had gone social climbing last night-deliberately-and come up with this? She continued on, candidly. "It was a good thing I did, though. It made me appreciate things all the more. I mean, I must have come at least eleven times last night. I know you did," she said to Ted. "Then I lost count."

Good lord! I folded my arms across my chest and turned to the window. Did I really need to hear all this? Below, I could see huge burned-out areas-swaths of blackened rubble that marred the even march of avenues to the horizon.