Fredric Brown - The Best of Fredric Brown

"Object? "I queried. "What kind of object? "

You see, from Johnny 's voice and Johnny 's face you couldn 't guess whether it meant anything or not. Mars City Polytech trains 'em to be strictly deadpan and Johnny had graduated magna cum laude. He 's a nice kid but he 'd announce the end of the world in the same tone of voice he'd use to announce dinner, if it was a pilot's job to announce dinner.

"It seems to be a planet, sir," was all he said.

It took quite awhile for his words to sink in.

"A planet?" I asked, not particularly brilliantly. I stared at him, hoping that he'd been drinking or something. Not because I had any objections to his seeing a planet sober but because if Johnny ever unbent to the stage of taking a few drinks, the alky would probably dissolve some of the starch out of his backbone. Then I'd have someone to swap stories with. It gets lonesome traveling through space with only two women and a Polytech grad who follows all the rules.

"A planet, sir. An object of planetary dimensions, I should say. Diameter about three thousand miles, distance two million, course apparently an orbit about the star Sirius A. "

"Johnny," I said, "we 're inside the orbit of Thor, which is Sirius I, which means it's the first planet of Sirius, and how can there be a planet inside of that? You wouldn't be kidding me, Johnny?"

"You may inspect the viewplate, sir, and check my calculations, "he replied stiffly.

I got up and went into the pilot 's compartment. There was a disk in the center of the forward viewplate, all right. Checking his calculations was something else again. My mathematics end at checking coins out of coin machines. But I was willing to take his word for the calculations. "Johnny," I almost shouted, "we've discovered a new planet! Ain 't that something? "

"Yes, sir," he commented, in his usual matter-of-fact voice.

It was something, but not too much. I mean, the Sirius system hasn't been colonized long and it wasn 't too surprising that a little three-thousand-mile planet hadn't been noticed yet. Especially as (although this wasn 't known then) its orbit is very eccentric.

There hadn 't been room for Ma and Ellen to follow us into the pilot 's compartment, but they stood looking in, and I moved to one side so they could see the disk in the viewplate.

"How soon do we get there, Johnny? "Ma wanted to know.

"Our point of nearest approach on this course will be within two hours, Mrs. Wherry," he replied. "We come within half a million miles of it. "

"Oh, do we? "I wanted to know.

"Unless, sir, you think it advisable to change course and give it more clearance. "

I gave clearance to my throat instead and looked at Ma and Ellen and saw that it would be okay by them. "Johnny, "I said, "we 're going to give it less clearance. I 've always hankered to see a new planet untouched by human hands. We 're going to land there, even if we can 't leave the ship without oxygen masks. "

He said, "Yes, sir, "and saluted, but I thought there was a bit of disapproval in his eyes. Oh, if there had been, there was cause for it. You never know what you 'll run into busting into virgin territory out here. A cargo of canvas and slot machines isn 't the proper equipment for exploring, is it?

But the Perfect Pilot never questions an owner 's orders, dog-gone him! Johnny sat down and started punching keys on the calculator and we eased out to let him do it.

"Ma, "I said, "I'm a blamed fool. "

"You would be if you weren 't, "she came back. I grinned when I got that sorted out, and looked at Ellen.

But she wasn't looking at me. She had that dreamy look in her eyes again. It made me want to go into the pilot 's compartment and take a poke at Johnny to see if it would wake him up. "Listen, honey, "I said, "that Johnny— "

But something burned the side of my face and I knew it was Ma looking at me, so I shut up. I got out a deck of cards and played solitaire until we landed.

Johnny popped out of the pilot 's compartment and saluted. "Landed, sir, "he said. "Atmosphere one-oh-sixteen on the gauge."

"And what, "Ellen asked, "does that mean in English? "

"It 's breathable, Miss Wherry. A bit high in nitrogen and low in oxygen compared to Earth air, but nevertheless definitely breathable. "

He was a caution, that young man was, when it came to being precise.

"Then what are we waiting for? "I wanted to know. "Your orders, sir. "

"Shucks with my orders, Johnny. Let's get the door open and get going. "

We got the door open. Johnny stepped outside first, strapping on a pair of heatojectors as he went. The rest of us were right behind him.

It was cool outside, but not cold. The landscape looked just like Thor, with bare rolling hills of hard-baked greenish clay. There was plant life, a brownish bushy stuff that looked a little like tumbleweed.

I took a look up to gauge the time and Sirius was almost at zenith, which meant Johnny had landed us smack in the middle of the day side. "Got any idea, Johnny," I asked, "what the period of rotation is? "

"I had time only for a rough check, sir. It came out twenty-one hours and seventeen minutes. "

Rough check, he had said.

Ma said, "That 's rough enough for us. Gives us a full afternoon for a walk, and what are we waiting for? "

"For the ceremony, Ma, "I told her. "We got to name the place don 't we? And where did you put that bottle of champagne we were saving for my birthday? I reckon this is a more important occasion than that is. "

She told me where, and I went and got it and some glasses. "Got any suggestions for a name, Johnny? You saw it first."

"No, sir. "

I said, "Trouble is that Thor and Freda are named wrong now. I mean, Thor is Sirius I and Freda is Sirius II, and since this orbit is inside theirs, they ought to be II and III respectively. Or else this ought to be Sirius O. Which means it's Nothing Sirius. "

Ellen smiled and I think Johnny would have except that it would have been undignified.

But Ma frowned. "William— "she said, and would have gone on in that vein if something hadn 't happened.

Something looked over the top of the nearest hill. Ma was the only one facing that way and she let out a whoop and grabbed me. Then we all turned and looked.

It was the head of something that looked like an ostrich, only it must have been bigger than an elephant. Also there was a collar and a blue polka-dot bow tie around the thin neck of the critter, and it wore a hat. The hat was bright yellow and had a long purple feather. The thing looked at us a minute, winked quizzically, and then pulled its head back.

None of us said anything for a minute and then I took a deep breath. "That," I said, "tears it, right down the middle. Planet, I dub thee Nothing Sirius."

I bent down and hit the neck of the champagne bottle against the clay and it just dented the clay and wouldn 't break. I looked around for a rock to hit it on. There wasn 't any rock.

I took out a corkscrew from my pocket and opened the bottle instead. We all had a drink except Johnny, who took only a token sip because he doesn 't drink or smoke. Me, I had a good long one. Then I poured a brief libation on the ground and recorked the bottle; I had a hunch that I might need it more than the planet did. There was lots of whiskey in the ship and some Martian green-brew but no more champagne. I said, "Well, here we go. "

I caught Johnny 's eye and he said, "Do you think it wise, in view of the fact that there are—uh—inhabitants? "

"Inhabitants? "I said. "Johnny, whatever that thing that stuck its head over the hill was, it wasn 't an inhabitant. And if it pops up again, I 'll conk it over the head with this bottle. "

But just the same, before we started out, I went inside the Chitterling and got a couple more heatojectors. I stuck one in my belt and gave Ellen the other; she 's a better shot than I am. Ma couldn 't hit the side of an administration building with a spraygun, so I didn 't give her one.