Robert Sheckley: Prospector's Special

“I’m sorry, Mr. Boyard,” Morrison said. “I must have gotten the wrong number. I was calling—”

“It doesn’t matter who you were calling,” Mr. Boyard said. “I am District Supervisor of the Venus Telephone Company. Your bill is two months overdue.”

“I can pay it now,” Morrison said, grinning.

“Excellent,” said Mr. Boyard. “As soon as you do, your service will be resumed.”

The screen began to fade.

“Wait!” Morrison cried. “I can pay as soon as I reach your office. But I must make one telephone call. Just one call, so that I—”

“Not a chance,” Mr. Boyard said decisively. “ After you have paid your bill, your service will be turned on immediately.”

“I’ve got the money right here!” Morrison said. “Right here in my hand!”

Mr. Boyard paused. “Well, it’s unusual, but I suppose we could arrange for a special robot messenger if you are willing to pay the expenses.”

“I am!”

“Hm. It’s irregular, but I daresay we ... Where is the money?”

“Right here,” Morrison said. “You recognize it, don’t you? It’s goldenstone!”

“I am sick and tired of the tricks you prospectors think you can put over on us. Holding up a handful of pebbles—”

“But this is really goldenstone! Can’t you see it?”

“I am a businessman,” Mr. Boyard said, “not a jeweler. I wouldn’t know goldenstone from goldenrod.”

The video screen went blank.

Frantically, Morrison tried to reach the operator. There was nothing, not even a dial tone. His telephone was disconnected.

He put the instrument down and surveyed his situation. The narrow crevice into which he had fallen ran straight for about twenty yards, then curved to the left. No cave was visible in the steep walls, no place where he could build a barricade.

He heard a movement behind him. Whirling around, he saw a huge old wolf in full charge. Without a moment’s hesitation, Morrison drew and fired, blasting off the top of the beast’s head.

“Damn it,” Morrison said. “I was going to save that bullet for myself.”

It gave him a moment’s grace. He ran down the ravine, looking for an opening in its sides. Goldenstone glowed at him and sparkled red and purple. And the sandwolves loped along behind him.

Then Morrison stopped. In front of him, the curving ravine ended in a sheer wall.

He put his back against it, holding the revolver by its butt. The wolves stopped five feet from him, gathering themselves for a rush. There were ten or twelve of them, and they were packed three deep in the narrow pass. Overhead, the kites circled, waiting for their turn.

At that moment, Morrison heard the crackling sound of ’porting equipment. A whirlpool appeared above the wolves’ heads and they backed hastily away.

“Just in time!” Morrison said.

“In time for what?” asked Williams 4, the postman.

The robot climbed out of the vortex and looked around.

“Well, young man,” Williams 4 said, “this is a fine fix you’ve gotten yourself into. Didn’t I warn you? Didn’t I advise you to turn back? And now look!”

“You were perfectly right,” Morrison said. “What did Max Krandall send me?”

“Max Krandall did not, and could not, send a thing.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because it’s your birthday,” Williams 4 said. “We of the Postal Department always give special service for birthdays. Here you are.”

Williams 4 gave him a handful of mail, birthday greetings from Janie, and from his aunts, uncles and cousins on Earth.

“Something else here,” Williams 4 said, rummaging in his bag. “I think there was something else here. Let me see.... Yes, here it is.”

He handed Morrison a small package.

Hastily, Morrison tore off the wrappings. It was a birthday present from his Aunt Mina in New Jersey. He opened it. It was a large box of salt-water taffy, direct from Atlantic City.

“Quite a delicacy, I’m told,” said Williams 4, who had been peering over his shoulder. “But not very satisfactory under the circumstances. Well, young man, I hate to see anyone die on his birthday. The best I can wish you is a speedy and painless departure.”

The robot began walking toward the vortex.

“Wait!” Morrison cried. “You can’t just leave me like this! I haven’t had any water in days! And those wolves—”

“I know,” Williams 4 said. “Do you think I feel happy about it? Even a robot has some feelings!”

“Then help me.”

“I can’t. The rules of the Postal Department expressly and categorically forbid it. I remember Abner Lathe making much the same request of me in ’97. It took three years for a burial party to reach him.”

“You have an emergency telephone, haven’t you?” Morrison asked.

“Yes. But I can use it only for personal emergencies.”

“Can you at least carry a letter for me? A special delivery letter?”

“Of course I can,” the robot postman said. “That’s what I’m here for. I can even lend you pencil and paper.”

Morrison accepted the pencil and paper and tried to think. If he wrote to Max now, special delivery, Max would have the letter in a matter of hours. But how long would Max need to raise some money and send him water and ammunition? A day, two days? Morrison would have to figure out some way of holding out....

“I assume you have a stamp,” the robot said.

“I don’t,” Morrison replied. “But I’ll buy one from you. Solidoport special.”

“Excellent,” said the robot. “We have just put out a new series of Venusborg triangulars. I consider them quite an esthetic accomplishment. They cost three dollars apiece.”

“That’s fine. Very reasonable. Let me have one.”

“There is the question of payment.”

“Here,” Morrison said, handing the robot a piece of goldenstone worth about five thousand dollars in the rough.

The postman examined the stone, then handed it back. “I’m sorry, I can accept only cash.”

“But this is worth more than a thousand postage stamps!” Morrison said. “This is goldenstone!”

“It may well be,” Williams 4 said. “But I have never had any assaying knowledge taped into me. Nor is the Venus Postal Service run on a barter system. I’ll have to ask for three dollars in bills or coins.”

“I don’t have it.”

“I am very sorry.” Williams 4 turned to go.

“You can’t just go and let me die!”

“I can and must,” Williams 4 said sadly. “I am only a robot, Mr. Morrison. I was made by men, and naturally I partake of some of their sensibilities. That’s as it should be. But I also have my limits, which, in their nature, are similar to the limits most humans have on this harsh planet. And, unlike humans, I cannot transcend my limits.”

The robot started to climb into the whirlpool. Morrison stared at him blankly, and saw beyond him the waiting wolfpack. He saw the soft glow of several million dollars’ worth of goldenstone shining from the ravine’s walls.

Something snapped inside him.

With an inarticulate yell, Morrison dived, tackling the robot around the ankles. Williams 4, half in and half out of the ’porting vortex, struggled and kicked, and almost succeeded in shaking Morrison loose. But with a maniac’s strength Morrison held on. Inch by inch he dragged the robot out of the vortex, threw him on the ground and pinned him.

“You are disrupting the mail service,” said Williams 4.

“That’s not all I’m going to disrupt,” Morrison growled. “I’m not afraid of dying. That was part of the gamble. But I’m damned if I’m going to die fifteen minutes after I’ve struck it rich!”

“You have no choice.”