Robert Sheckley: Legend of Conquistadors

EARTH CB122XA IS ONE OF the alternate Earths spilling out of the matrix of quantum mechanical points of possibility that make up this part of the multiverse. They do things differently here. Earth CB122XA, or "Earth," as the locals called it, was a quiet place. A single king ruled the entire planet. It had its cyclones, floods, forest fires, and its plagues and epidemics, just like most of the other Earths.

But these came in moderation, especially when compared with elsewhere. And, just as their people and planets and conditions of Earth came out of the cosmic foam, so did their gods.

This Earth had its own god, generated out of the endless quantum-mechanical possibilities. The locals called him "God." He didn't involve himself in the day-to-day workings of the planet or its people. He preferred not to work miracles, considering them a cheap effect. This god liked to see his people work out things for themselves. But sometimes, when an important point was at issue, or when the life of the entire planet hung in the balance, he had been known to give a hint or two.

This Earth, like all the others, was prone to accidents. Accidents often have forewarnings, but this one had none, unless you count the two spaceships that appeared seemingly from out of nowhere, circled the planet as though they were doing a survey, and then vanished again into space.

This Earth, although it was a fairly advanced technological civilization, had no spaceships to send up to find out what the strangers wanted. There was some speculation as to why they had not responded to Earth's signals, but not much, because only a few people had seen them, and their accounts were not generally believed.

All too soon, the ships were back, and they led a fleet of spaceships into the skies of Earth. These ships were large and fully armed, and the people of Earth did not try to oppose them, but waited to see what they would do.

To wait was also the decision of Drax, the king of Earth at that time.

The spaceships took up position above Earth's capital city, which was a place of architectural merit with many green spaces. At last a single huge ship came down and landed on the lawn of the king's palace.

Drax said to his court officials, "I guess I'd better see what they want." He walked out alone to the ship.

After a while a port in the spaceship opened. A group of men marched out. They were tall, broad, ferocious-looking men, wearing battle armor. After them came a single man, larger than the others, dressed in golden armor. He was taller than his guards by half a head, and proportionately broader. He carried his massive golden armor lightly. He wore metal belts from which hung an assortment of weapons, each more terrifying-looking than the one before. In one hand he carried a mace with a massy head, around which were mounted razor-sharp blades.

King Drax walked up to him and bowed. The golden warrior inclined his head slightly. They sized one another up for a moment.

At last the alien leader spoke. "I am Eduardo. I am the king of this several-million-man army that I have brought to your planet."

"And I am Drax," Drax said. "I am the king of this planet we call Earth. I welcome you. I am amazed to hear you speak our language."

"Universal translating machinery is one of the few things we have retained from our planet's old science. It enables us to give orders to our subject people without having to sully our mouths with their debased languages."

"It's obviously a useful accomplishment," Drax said. "Have you many subject people?"

"Every race we have encountered is now subject to us. Except for the few who preferred to die to the last man."

"Our god would not approve of that," said Drax. "He is not in favor of war. He advises us to go on living by any means possible, and at any price."

"He sounds like a wise god. Let's get down to business. How do you feel about fighting me here and now in single combat for the whole works?" His gesture seemed to encompass the entire Earth.

Drax looked at the armed man more than twice his size and smiled. "I'd rather not," he said.

Eduardo nodded as if he had anticipated that answer. "Then what about if my army fights yours?"

"We haven't fought a war in over a thousand years," said Drax. "I don't think we'd make a very good showing. Have you another alternative?"

Eduardo looked him up and down and said, "If you think being unarmed and insignificant is going to keep me from killing you, you are mistaken."

"Why should there be any killing at all?" asked Drax.

"It's usual," Eduardo said, "when one king wants to take over the territory of another king."

"Do you really want to be king of this planet so badly that you'd kill for it? Don't bother. The planet's yours."

"This is anticlimactic," said Eduardo. "We're accustomed to at least token resistance."

"You won't find it here," Drax said. "You're going to rule this planet no matter what I say or do. So take it, it's yours."

"All right," Eduardo said. He had seen total capitulation before. "The first thing I'll need is a palace. I have to change my armor, issue some orders, put up my guard, and get some lunch."

"My palace is yours," Drax said. "I'll move into a hotel in town."

"You're pretty cool about all this," Eduardo said. "I've got a notion to kill you right here and now, and rid myself of your deviousness."

"You'll do as you wish," Drax said. "But I assure you, I'm not devious. My god tells me the new king must be served. I obey. I would be useful to you in getting your orders transmitted to my people and obeyed properly."

"My dear fellow, why should I trust you?"

"Because I will always be under your eyes and in your hands. If I displease you, you can kill me out of hand at any moment."

"That's true," Eduardo said. "Okay. I'll need to go to my palace and get out a few orders."

"My palace is your palace," Drax said.

King Eduardo had a lot of work to do. He got all his soldiers places to live. This took several days. After those chores were done, Eduardo called for Drax and said, "Okay, now what?"

"Your majesty has been working very hard," Drax said. "Might it not be time for a little entertainment?"

"You know, Drax, I've never met anyone like you. Other kings, when I come to take over their planet, fight me to their last man. That's noble. I applaud noble men like that. But what do you do? You turn over everything to me without a fight. Why are you doing this, Drax?"

"This is what my god has instructed me to do."

"Must be quite a god, to advise you to give in without a struggle, and to hand over what you are asked for."

"Our god has served us well," Drax said.

"Well, I think it's time we got some girls in here."

"As you wish," Drax said. "They'll start arriving by tomorrow."

"I'll want all the finest looking women in the kingdom."

"You'll get them."

"And let your wife be among them."

After a short silence, Drax said, "It shall be as you say."

Eduardo sneered at him. "You really are a weak son of a bitch!"

"What would you do if I said you couldn't have her?"

"Kill you and take her anyway."

"Take her anyway, but don't kill me."

"So you can live to fight another day?"

"So I can live."

"And I believe you have two nubile daughters, too."

"That is correct."

"I'll have them, too. They'll be serving girls at our feasts." Drax turned pale, but he nodded. "Yours is the power to take what you want."

AND SO THE FEASTS and the merrymaking began among the invaders. Eduardo's troops were quartered in every city of any size on the planet. Eduardo decreed month-long celebrations, and the most beautiful women were forced to attend. The invaders were in a very good mood. They considered this a time of national degradation for Drax's people, and this pleased them.