Jackson Ford - The Girl Who Could Move Sh*t with Her Mind

“But she didn’t find out. ”

“No. But in a longer relationship… I couldn’t do that to you, or lie about it. I wouldn’t let you get hurt because of me. And I’m not sorry for that.”

His hands are still, the ring forgotten.

“I didn’t know any other way,” I say. “If there’d been another option, I would have taken it in a second, but I am not sorry for keeping you safe. I would rather… I would rather have us never see each other again, and have you still be walking around and living your life, than risk you getting hurt. Even if I had to keep things from you. When we came to your apartment, back when the whole shit happened, I only did it because I felt like there was no other way.”

The patch of sunlight has crept up his body, moving across his neck. And after a few moments he reaches out and takes my hand. His skin is very slightly rough and dry despite the heat in the apartment.

I hold his gaze, suddenly aware of how close we are. His hand on mine, our knees just touching.

For a second that old fear is back. The fear I felt that first time with Travis. The fear that I’m going to get this wrong , somehow—that I’m going to put someone else in danger.

But what do I—what do we —have to be scared of? Tanner isn’t going to hurt us. We have no more secrets from each other. There’s just us, and the sunlight.

I lean forward, put a hand on the back of his head and kiss him.

There’s a second where I think he isn’t going to respond. Then, very slowly, his lips part, our tongues just touching. Hesitant at first, soft and slow, but then pushing harder, tasting each other.

He wraps an arm around me, pulling me close. Our kiss grows deeper, quicker. His hand rests on the back of my neck, caressing, stroking. I’m hot, sweating lightly under my clothes.

It’s happening. This is happening. Right now. His other hand is on my back, and I guide it under my shirt, relishing the touch of his skin on my side. We separate for a second, my breath coming in short, desperate gasps. His mouth moves to my neck, my ear. Under his jeans he is rock-hard. I fumble at his zipper, almost panting, his hand moving higher on my back…

He stops. Goes still.

“Nic?”

And just like that, he pulls away.

“Wha—” I’m still in the position I was, leaning in towards him, up on one knee.

He sits for a second, breathing hard, not looking at me. Then slowly he gets to his feet, the slash of sunlight arcing across his body. He glances back, and the look on his face… it’s like he’s made a terrible mistake, and he knows it, wishes he could take it back.

I scramble to my feet, reaching for him. “Hey. It’s OK. I’m here, just—”

But he turns away. Laces his hands on the back of his head. Leaves me standing, still reaching out for him.

No. Fuck you, no. You are not doing this .

I take a step towards him, and he shakes his head. He still won’t look at me. Under his shirt, his shoulders rise and fall.

Somehow my mouth forms words. “I don’t understand.”

He tilts his head back, hands still laced above his collar. The sound he makes—half groan, half angry snarl—is the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

I put a hand on his shoulder. “ Please , Nic. Just… just talk to me, OK? We can work this out.”

Gently, so very gently, he lifts my hand away.

My mouth is as dry as a desert. This has got to be a mistake—he’s overthinking it, that’s all. I’ve just got to talk to him. “Nic, don’t you get it? We can be with each other. Tanner’s cool with it. Isn’t this what you wanted?” My eyes go wide. “If it’s the PK thing, where stuff moves when I—”

“It’s not that,” he says quietly.

“Then what ?”

“I’m just… I’m not ready.”

“Why?”

“Because…”

“What are you not ready for?” I didn’t think I was angry. Turns out, it was right there all along. It’s starting to show itself, edging my voice. “I was… I was straight with you. I told you everything. There’s nothing you don’t know about me.”

“That’s not the problem.”

“What is the problem? Help me understand this.”

Another frustrated groan-growl, his shoulders slumping. “Why you gotta make this so hard?”

“ I’m making it hard?” Tears prick the corners of my eyes. I tell them to stay the fuck away. I move towards Nic, put my hands on his waist. “Nic, please. Don’t do this. Let’s just sit down and…”

Once more he removes my hands. This time he holds them tight.

“Why?” Desperation edges my voice.

“Because of what you do. For a living.”

Behind us, the fridge compressor kicks on, a low buzz filling the room.

“Teagan, you work for the government. Your job is… insane. I’m not just talking about the moving-things-with-your-mind shit. I’m talking about… everything else. I don’t want to spend my time waiting for a call that says you’re in jail, or in hospital, or…”

“It’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it? Last I checked, you threw yourself off a skyscraper.”

“That wasn’t a normal job!”

“Doesn’t matter. Do you understand what it would be like to worry that way? Every unknown number, every text message, every time you go on a mission. It’d be like being with a cop, only a million times worse.”

I lower my head, trying to contain my frustration. “People date cops, don’t they?”

“Maybe. But I’m not sure I want to be one of those people.”

“Bullshit.” Now I really am angry. “You do dangerous shit all the time. You surf big waves, you rock-climb, you—”

“The only person I’m putting in danger is myself,” he says. “And I don’t just go out whenever. I check the weather reports, the swells, all of it. I make sure I have the right gear. I control as much as I can, because then I can enjoy the risk. With this, everything would be out of my control. I need you to understand what that would be like: spending all my time worrying. Never able to help. I do want to be with you… but it’s not a good idea.”

“But I love you.”

It slips out of me before I can stop it. Then again, why would I want to? I love Nic, I want him and I can’t believe he’s being so pigheaded as to—

“I don’t love you,” he says.

The silence that follows feels like the end of the world.

“But before,” I say. “When I came home late after the Edmonds job, you said…”

“I said I wanted to date you. I didn’t say I was in love with you.”

He’s still got hold of my hand, and he grips it tighter, making my eyes meet his. “I know what it sounds like,” he says. “And I swear to God, Teags, I’m not saying this to be cruel. I’d never do that to you.”

“Then why? What are you doing?”

“I’m trying to tell you the truth.” His voice is quiet. Firm. “Every bit of it. Love is… it’s not something that happens like that.” He snaps his fingers. “Or hardly ever. It takes time. And it has to override everything. If I really did love you, then it wouldn’t matter that you had these abilities or that you worked for Tanner or any of it. But even with Marissa it wasn’t like that. We dated for two years. I honestly thought I was in love with her. But it… When she wanted to move, I realised that wasn’t true. It wasn’t true for her, and it wasn’t true for me.”

“It could be true for us!”

“Maybe.” He looks away. “But it isn’t like that now. I don’t control what I feel, and I don’t want to lie to you about it.”

This isn’t fair. After everything I went through, after all the fires and the explosions and death and nearly being flown off to a black site, I thought it would be different. I thought he’d want me as much as I wanted him.