Howard Fast - The General Zapped an Angel - Stories

“Did you hear what Pravda has to say? I have the translation here—‘the final step in the decadence of the United States.’ Well, it gives one pause.”

“I don’t say it wasn’t a brilliant step, Milty. I simply ask: Will it work? Can it work? Life is not Pravda , but listen to its editorial: ‘Has Milty finally flipped? We don’t hold with those who characterize Milton Boil as a madman or public enemy. We recognize that the greatest builder of modern America does not make decisions lightly. But if Milton Boil is not mad, neither are Americans three feet tall. If—’”

“No, no!” Milty cried, finally coming to life in his place at the head of the table. “Hold it right there. Read that last sentence again.”

“What last sentence?”

“You know—that business about three feet tall.”

“You mean this—‘But if Milton Boil is not mad, neither are Americans three feet tall—’”

“Right! Right you are! There it is!”

“There what is?” asked one of the older members, less able because of his age to follow the pyrotechnics of Milty’s thought.

“The whole thing. The whole answer. The key to everything.” Milty’s very real excitement began to permeate the others.

“What key, Milty? Don’t be so damned mysterious.”

“All right. But tell me this. What is the number one problem of the world today?”

“Communism,” half a dozen board members replied eagerly.

“Nuts! Communism is a word. We licked them in space and we licked them in everything else down here. Our houses are better and our roads are better and our factories are better.”

“Disease,” someone said hopefully.

“Did you ever hear of antibiotics? Not disease.”

“War, Milty?”

“Since when is war a problem?”

“Inflation?”

“You should talk—you made millions out of inflation. Come on, come on, use your heads—there’s only one number one problem in the world today, and if we lick it, it licks us, and if we destroy it, it destroys us—until now, until right this minute when your uncle Milty Boil solved it, and we’re going to lick it and it’s not going to destroy us.”

They spread their hands hopelessly. They looked at Milty in defeat, knowing how much he enjoyed winning.

“Milty, let us in, tell us where the action is,” his first vice-president pleaded.

“All right.” Milty Boil leaned forward. His face hardened; his voice became precise and crisp. He was all mind now, a cold, beautiful, hard-core calculating machine. They knew that look on Milty’s face; they knew it meant a breakthrough, action, action, and more action. The silence at the board table became a thing in itself.

“All right. World’s number one problem—overpopulation, namely the population explosion. Next—what is our market for anything. People. And how do you increase a market? More people. But with more people you got the population explosion. Mankind trapped. Finis. Over. The earth starves.”

“Right, Milty,” the board whispered.

“But there’s a way.”

The board waited.

Slowly, measuring each word, Milty said, “Double the size of the earth. That’s the solution. That takes care of the next hundred years.”

The members of the board relaxed, looked at each other, grinned, and then burst into laughter. Only Milty didn’t laugh. His face stony-set and cold as ice, he regarded them without pleasure and waited. They saw his expression finally, and the laughter died away. Milty pointed one finger at his second vice-president, who was in charge of purchasing, and asked evenly:

“Just what in hell do you find so funny?”

“The jest, Milty. We’re laughing with you.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a yuk, Milty, a tribute, so as to speak. You got a sense of humor like nobody else.”

“I don’t think it’s funny,” Milty said.

“No? But you got to be kidding, Milty. The earth is what it is. Twenty-five thousand miles in circumference. That’s fourth-grade stuff.”

“And you got a fourth-grade mind.”

“Milty, Milty,” said the oldest member in a fatherly way, “Milty, you have a fine mind, but nobody makes the earth larger.”

“No?”

“No, Milty, I am afraid not.”

“All right,” Milty said, unperturbed by the oldest member and smiling slightly. “Nobody makes the earth larger. But tell me this—suppose, just for the sake of argument, that the average man was three feet tall. Now if he kept the same scale in relation to himself, everything would be reduced by half. Six inches would be a foot, and a mile would become two miles. In other words, if the man is reduced in size to one-half, then so are all his measurements. Suddenly the world is not twenty-five thousand miles in circumference but fifty thousand miles in circumference. We have doubled the size of the earth.”

“Milty, Milty,” said the oldest member, still in a fatherly way, “Milty, you got a brain like a steel trap. But all you are actually doing is to buttress one impossible statement with another. To make men three feet tall is as impossible as to make the earth fifty thousand miles in diameter.”

“Who says?”

“I say, Milty,” continued the oldest member. “I was a friend of your father, may he rest in peace, so I have the right.”

“Good,” Milty said. “You got the right. Now shut up.” And to the rest of the board:

“I say we can produce the three-foot man.”

“How, Milty?” asked the youngest member of the board. He was with Milty all the way.

“How? First I ask this: what in hell is so great about tall? Tall, tall, tall—that’s all you hear. Why? Was Adolf Hitler tall? Was Napoleon tall? Was Onassis tall? Was Willie Shoemaker tall? And do you know how much prize money he took? Over thirty million, that’s all. How about art—was Toulouse-Lautrec tall? You know how tall they believe Shakespeare was? Five feet four inches. Tall is for basketball players.”

“But people think tall, Milty.”

“Then we change their thinking. They think tall because everywhere the propaganda says that tall is good. We change that. We show them that tall is for clods. The men who make the world go round are small. The men women prefer are small. The men who become top dog are small. It’s a small man’s world. That’s what we show the world—that it’s a small man’s world, and the smaller the better.”

“But, Milty,” the oldest member of the board said patiently, “suppose we demonstrate all that. We still can’t make men smaller.”

“No?” Milty smiled. Years later, remembering that smile, some of the younger board members spoke about a “Gioconda” quality, but that was in retrospect and after Milty had gone to whatever rewards the next world provides for such genius. At the moment, then in 1982, Milty’s smile was a smile of sheer superior knowledge.

“No—no, we can’t make men smaller, but they can, can’t they?”

“How, Milty?”

“By wanting it. Men have increased their height by over a foot in the past two hundred years. Suppose they start to decrease it—”

A month later, in the same board room, facing the representatives of the twelve largest advertising agencies in the world and the seventeen largest public relations firms, Milty Boil put his plan on its proper level.

“We are here, ladies and gentlemen,” he said, “to serve mankind. In the name of mankind, its purpose and its survival, I call this meeting to order. Our goal, my friends, is to double the size of the earth.”

Then, to the silent—silent, that is, until he had finished—admiration of those assembled there, Milty presented his plan; and then even those hard-bitten, cynical representatives of the one business that makes the earth turn broke into cheers and applause. Milty rose and nodded modestly; he was not egotistical, but neither was he one to hide his light under a bushel.