Jasper Fforde - The Well of Lost Plots

'… A new epic poem is to be constructed for the first time in eighty-seven years. Title and subject to be announced, but pundits reckon that it's a pointless exercise: skills have all but died out. Next week will also see the launch of a new shopping chain offering off-the-peg narrative requisites. It will be called Prêt-à-Ecrire …'

"… Visit Aaron's Assorted Alliteration Annexe, the superior sellers of stressed syllable or similar-sounding speech sequences since the sixteenth century. Stop soon and see us situated on floor sixteen, shelf six seventy-six …'

'… Visit Bill's Dictionorium for every word you'll ever need! From Be to Antidisestablishmentarianism , we have words to suit all your plotting needs. Floor twelve, shelf seventy-eight …'

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'Vera Tushkevitch! Can you hear me?'

'Yes, I'm here. No need to shout. You will deafen me, I'm sure!'

'I don't trust these strange footnoterphone devices. I'm sure I'll catch some nasty proletarian disease. Where did we last meet? At that party with the Schuetzburgs? The one where they served apples Benedict?'

'No, Sofya, my husband and I were not invited. He voted against Count Schuetzburg at the last election.'

'Then it must have been at Bolshaia Marskaia with Princess Betsy. Whatever did happen to that Karenin girl, have you any idea?'

'Anna? Yes indeed — but you must not tell a soul! Alexei Vronsky was smitten by her from the moment he saw her at the station.'

'The station? Which station?'

'St Petersburg; you remember when a guard fell beneath the train and was crushed?'

'Anna and Vronsky met there ? How terribly unsophisticated!'

'There is more, my dear Vera. Wait — the doorbell! I must leave you; not a word to anyone and I will call again soon!'

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'Vera? Is that you? What a day! All noise and rain. Do please carry on about Anna!'

'Well. Anna danced with Vronsky — at the ball that night; he became her shadow and very much more!'

'No! — Alexei Vronsky and Anna — an affair ! What about her husband? Surely he found out?'

'Eventually, yes. I think Anna told him, but not until she was with child, Vronsky's child. There was to be no hiding that .'

'What did he say?'

'Believe it or not, he forgave them both! Insisted that they remain married and attempted to continue as if nothing had happened.'

'I always did think that man was a fool. What happened next?'

'Vronsky shot himself, claiming he could not bear to be apart from her. Melodramatic is not the word for it!'

'It reads like a cheap novelette! Did he die?'

'No; merely wounded. It gets worse. Karenin realised that to save Anna he himself must take the disgrace and admit that he had been unfaithful so that Anna was not ruined and could marry Vronsky.'

'So Karenin let them go? He didn't ban her from ever seeing her lover again? Didn't horse-whip either of them or sell his story to The Mole ? It strikes me Karenin himself may have had some totty on the side, too. Wait! My husband calls me — stay tuned. Fare-well for now, my dear Vera!'

'Miss Next, are you there?'

'Good. Meet me at the Junsfiction office as soon as possible. It's about Perkins — the minotaur has escaped.'

'Not really. You see, Perkins isn't responding to footnoterphone communications — we think something might have happened to him.'

'Sofya! Where were you? I have been calling for ever! Tell me, the Karenins — they divorced?'

'No! Maybe if they had been divorced, events would have been different. I remember her attending the theatre in Petersburg. What a disaster!'

'Why? Whatever happened? Did she make a fool of herself?'

'Yes, by appearing in the first place! How could she? Madame Kartasova, who was in the adjacent box with that fat bald husband of hers, made a scene: she said something aloud, something insulting, and left the theatre. We all saw it happen. Anna tried to ignore everything but she must have known …'

'Why didn't they push for a divorce, the foolish pair!'

'Vronsky wanted her to but she kept putting it off. They moved to Moscow, but she was never happy. Vronsky spent his time involved in politics and she was convinced that he was with other women. A jealous, fallen disgrace of a woman she was. Then, at Znamanka station she could take it no longer — she flung herself upon the rails and was crushed by the 20.02 to Obiralovka!'

'No!'

'Yes, but don't tell a soul — it is a secret between you and me! Come — for dinner on Tuesday — we are having turnip à l’orange. I have a simply adorable new cook. Adieu, my good friend, adieu!'

'Thursday, are you there?'

'It's the Cheshire Cat. Do you know how to play the piano?'

'Oh, no reason; I just thought I'd ask to be on the safe side.'

'Why, the piano, of course!'

'You've got a hearing for your trial — remember the fiction infraction? Well, there have been some delays with Max de Winter's appeal so they've applied for a continuancel — can you come this afternoon if you're not too busy, say three o'clock?'

'Alice in Wonderland, just after the "Alice's Evidence" chapter. The Gryphon will be representing you. Don't forgetl — three o'clock.'

'… Dear Friend, I am a fifty-year-old lady from the Republic of Gondal. I got your details from the Council of Genres and decided to contact you to see if you could help. My husband Reginald Jackson was the rebel leader in Gondal in Turmoil . (RRP: £4.99) and just before he was assassinated he gave me 12 million dollars and I departed the book to be a refugee in The Well of Lost Plots with my two children. On arrival, I decided to deposit this money in a security company for safekeeping. Right now, I am seeking assistance from you so that I can transfer the funds from the Well to your Outland account. If this offer meets your approval, you could reach me on my footnoterphone. Thank you, Mrs R. Jackson …'

The Jurisfiction office vanished and was replaced by a large and shiny underground tube. It was big enough to stand up in but even so I had to keep pressed against the wall as a constant stream of words flashed past in both directions. Above us another pipe was leading upwards, and every now and then a short stream of words was diverted into this small conduit.