Jasper Fforde - The Well of Lost Plots

'The drug plot is out, I'm afraid,' I told him as we discussed it over lunch a few days later.

'What the hell,' he exclaimed. 'I was never in love with it anyway. Do we have a replacement boxer?'

'The boxing plot is out too.'

'Ah. How about the money-laundering sub-plot where I discover the mayor has been taking kickbacks? That's still in, yes?'

'Not … as such,' I said slowly.

'It's gone too?' he asked. 'Do we even have a murder?'

' That we have,' I replied, passing him over the new outline I had been thrashing out with a freelance imaginator the previous day.

'Ah!' he said, scanning the words eagerly. ' "It's Easter in Reading — a bad time for eggs — and Humpty Dumpty is found shattered beneath a wall in a shabby area of town …" '

He flicked a few more pages.

'What about Dr Singh, Madeleine, Unidentified Police Officers 1 and 2 and all the others?'

'All still there. We've had to reassign a few parts but it should hold together. The only person who wouldn't move was Agatha Diesel — I think she might give you a few problems.'

'I can handle her,' replied Jack, flicking to the back of the outline to see how it all turned out. 'Looks good to me. What do the nurseries say about it?'

'I'm talking to them next.'

I left Jack with the outline and jumped to Norland Park, where I took the news to Hurnpty Dumpty; he and his army of pickets were still camped outside the doors of the house — they had been joined by characters from nursery stories, too.

'Ah!' said Humpty as I approached. 'The Bellman. The three witches were right after all.'

'They generally are,' I replied. 'I have a proposal for you.'

Humpty's eyes nearly popped out of his head when I explained what I had in mind.

'Sanctuary?' he asked.

'Of sorts," I told him. 'I'll need you to coordinate all the nurseries, who will find narrative a little bit alien after doing couplets for so long, so you'll be dead when the story opens.'

'Not … the wall thing?'

'I'm afraid so. What do you think?'

'Well,' said Humpty, reading the outline carefully and smiling. 'I'll take it to the membership but I think I can safely say that there is nothing here that we can find any great issue with. Pending a ballot, I think you've got yourself a deal.'

It took the C of G almost a year to dismantle Text Grand Central's UltraWord engines, and many more arrests followed, although sadly none in the Outland. Vernham Deane was released, and he and Mimi were awarded the 'Gold Star for Reading' as well as the plot realignment they had wanted for so many years. They married and quite unprecedented for a Farquitt baddy — lived happily ever after, something that caused a severe drop in sales for The Squire of High Potternews . Harris Tweed, Xavier Libris and twenty-four others at Text Grand Central were tried and found guilty of crimes against the BookWorld'. Harris Tweed was expelled permanently from fiction and returned to Swindon. Heep, Orlick and Legree were all sent back to their books and the rest were reduced to text.

It was the first day of the influx of nursery rhyme refugees and Lola and I were sitting on a park bench in Caversham Heights soon to be renamed Nursery Crime . We were watching Humpty Dumpty welcome the long line of guests as Randolph allocated parts. Everyone was very happy with the arrangements but I wasn't overwhelmed with joy myself. I still missed Landen and I was reminded of this every time I tried — and failed — to get my old trousers to button up over my rapidly expanding waistline.

'What are you thinking about?'

'Landen.'

'Oh,' said Lola, staring at me with her big brown eyes, 'you will get him back, I am sure of it — please don't be downhearted!'

I patted her hand and thanked her for her kind words.

'I never did say thank you for what you did,' she said slowly. 'I missed Randolph more than anything. If only he'd told me what he felt I would have stayed in Heights or sought a dual placement — even as a C-grade.'

'Men are like that,' I told her. 'I'm just glad you're both happy.'

'I'll miss being the main protagonist,' she said wistfully. Girls Make all the Moves was a good role but in a crap book — do you think I'll ever be the heroine again?'

'Well, Lola,' I told her, 'some would say that the hero of any story is the one who changes the most. If we take the moment when we first met as the beginning of the story and right now as the end, I think that makes you and Randolph the heroes by a long chalk.'

'It does, doesn't it?'

She smiled and we sat in silence for a moment.

'Thursday?'

'Yes?'

'So who did kill Godot?'

Falstaff, the three witches, Banquo's ghost, Beatrice and Benedict all kindly supplied by Shakespeare (William) Inc.

Our thanks to Mr Heathcliff for graciously agreeing to appear in this novel.

Uriah Heep kindly loaned by Wickfield & Heep, attorneys-at-law.

My thanks to ScarletBea, Yan, Ben, Carla, Jon, Magda, AllAmericanCutie and Dave at the Fforde Fforum for their nominations in the 'Bookie' awards.

Hedge-pig research, Anna Karenina footnoterphone gossip and 'Dodo egg' sarcasm furnished by Mari Roberts.

Solomon's Judgements © The Council of Genres, 1986.

'Chocolate orange' joke used with kind permission of John Birmingham.

UltraWord — the Ultimate Reading Experience™ remains a trademark of Text Grand Central.

'Best Dead Person in Fiction' Bookie category courtesy of C.J. Avery.

'Fictionaut' wordsmithed by Jon Brierley.

Evilness consultant: Ernst Blofeld.

Mrs Bradshaw's gowns by Coco Chanel.

Aornis little sister idea courtesy of Rosie Fforde.

Our grateful thanks to the Great Panjandrum for help and guidance in the making of this novel.

No unicorns were written expressly for this book and no animals or Yahoos (other than grammasites) were harmed in its construction.

This novel was written in BOOK V8.3 and was sequenced using a Mk XXIV ImaginoTransference device. Peggy Malone was the imagmator. Plot Devices and Inciting Incidents supplied by Billy Budd's Bargain Basement and the WOLP Plot Salvage and Recycling Corporation. Generics supplied and trained by St Tabularasa's.

Holes were filled by apprentices at the Holesmiths' Guild, and echolocation and grammatisation was undertaken by Outland contractors at Hodder and Penguin.

The 'Galactic Cleansing" policy undertaken by Emperor Zhark is a personal vision of the emperor's, and its inclusion in this work does not constitute tacit approval by the author or the publisher for any such projects, howsoever undertaken. Warning: The author may have eaten nuts while writing this book.

Made wholly on location within the Well of Lost Plots.

A Fforde/Hodder/Penguin production. All rights reserved.

'… This is WOLP-12 on the Well of Lost Plots' own footnoterphone station, transmitting live on the hour every hour to keep you up to date with news in the Fiction Factory …'

'… After the headlines you can hear our weekly documentary show WellSpeak where today we will discuss hiding exposition; following that there will be a WellNews special on the launch of the new Book Operating system. Ultra Word™,featuring a live studio debate with WordMaster Xavier Libris of Text Grand Central …'

'… here are the main points of the news. Prices of semi-colons, plot devices, prologues and inciting incidents continued to fall yesterday, lopping twenty-eight points off the TomJones Index. The Council of Genres has announced the nominations for the 923rd annual BookWorld Awards; Heathcliff is once again to head the 'Most Troubled Romantic Lead' category for the seventy-seventh year running …'