Robert Asprin - E.Godz

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Chapter Ten

Always one to make sure his bridges were in good repair behind him, Dov made it a point to call Reverend Everything from a coffee shop in L.A. International Airport. It was a very cordial conversation. The Reverend was all kindness and understanding, and he quite agreed that it would be for the best if the two of them were to continue and conclude their business meeting another time, via teleconference. He assured Dov that he would have his entire congregation pray for Edwina's recovery or peaceful passing, depending on what the universe had in mind for her. This little chat left Dov with a warm and cozy feeling, although that might have had less to do with the Reverend Everything and more to do with the fact that he had accidentally slopped a little of his coffee down the front of his pants.

Dov was still blotting at his fly with a wad of paper napkins when Ammi set up a frightful row from inside his shirt.

"Now what?" Dov demanded after pulling the obstreperous trinket out into the light.

"Oh, nothing much," Ammi drawled. "I was just wondering how much of your mind you lost, running out on the Reverend Everything the way you just did. You think that guy didn't see right through you and your little 'Mercy me to gracious, I simply must run, I left the cat on the stove!' ploy? You think he's a man who enjoys being dumped just because you got all schoolmarmy and—dare I say it?—ethical all of a sudden?"

"Dumped? For pity's sake, Ammi, you're exaggerating. He and I are just business associates, not lovers! Do you have to describe it like I broke off our engagement?"

"You did leave him waiting at the altar," the little ornament replied. "Besides, this is L.A.: Business is love, and love is business, at least in the media industries. When you left right in the middle of the Reverend Everything's lifescore spectacular, it was a slap in the face. Worse, it was a kick to the ego. You know how any performer feels about audience members who walk out while they're on stage? You hurt his feelings, except he's too much of a pro to show it."

"Come on, he was perfectly okay with my leaving. I told him it was an emergency."

"Why didn't you just tell him you had to wash your hair, or that you hoped the two of you could still be friends? Oh! Did you tell him 'It's not you, it's me?' Very important to say that. It's not an official breakup otherwise." Ammi batted his lashless eyelids and, in a bad imitation of Dov's voice, added: "Darling, it's not fair to keep you tied down like this. I think we should both see other religions."

"Hey, I don't care what you have to say, I don't think I alienated him at all. And so what if I did? I don't even know if I want his support."

"You'll want it plenty once your sister grabs it out from under you," Ammi said sagely. "Pecunia non olet, baby: Money does not stink, and neither does power, no matter how they're generated. I'll bet Peez doesn't even hold her nose while she's signing the Reverend Everything onto her side. That's when you'll be sorry, but by then it'll be too late and too bad."

Dov snorted. "Peez? Please! Even if she were going to try grabbing the Reverend Everything for herself, which I doubt she'd have the chops to do, one look at his set-up and she'd run shrieking for the hills. She takes faith seriously, my sister does. Any trace of showmanship makes her break out in a case of acute disapproval. Once when we were kids Mom took us to a wedding in an Episcopal church and Peez couldn't stop complaining about how they were swinging the censers much too wildly, in a frivolous manner. If you think my ethics are holding me back, you ought to get a load of hers. The girl's still a virgin!"

"Not any more, she's not," said Ammi.

"Says you."

"No, says her."

"What?" Dov's logical mind insisted that the amulet had to be lying. Ammi was annoyed with him for having failed to bag the Reverend Everything and this was payback. It had to be ... didn't it? "When? To your face?"

Ammi smirked. "Where else? It's not like I've got a back for her to talk behind. Or a behind, for that matter."

"What I mean is, if it's true—and I don't believe that for an instant—then how did you find out?"

"Hey, who's the communications device here?" Ammi was enjoying this. "Information is my life."

"This is not the sort of thing that gets posted on the Internet. Wait. Let me rephrase that. This is not the sort of thing that my sister Peez would post on the Internet. Even if it were, you haven't had Internet access, or access to anything but my pocket lint, since we left Miami."

"And chest hair," Ammi prompted. "I've also had access to your chest hair, don't forget that. God knows, I never will."

"Will you leave my chest hair out of this and just answer the question?"

The amulet chuckled. "Elementary, my dear Dov. I was created to monitor communications. I sift hard information from idle chitchat, real news from spam. Do that long enough and it makes you sensitive to nuances, not just in information, but in people. No surprise: What are people besides information dumps with legs? Change is a nuance, and losing your virginity is one significant change. For a device of my sensitivity, your sister's altered sexual status came in loud and clear, like she'd walked up to you and hollered it in your ear."

"It must've been one hell of a first time if you could sense the change in her at this distance. She must be at least a couple of thousand miles away," Dov remarked.

"A couple of thousand miles? That's a laugh! Try feet, a couple of dozen at most." The amulet grinned. "Unless that isn't who I know it is. See there, over at that newsstand? Checking out the latest copy of Cosmopolitan?"

Dov whipped his head around to peer at the airport shop just across the way from the table where he'd been enjoying the unspilled portion of his cup of coffee. That is, he'd been enjoying it up until that very moment when he saw that Ammi was not joking: There was Peez, as big as life and twice as condescending.

She stood by one of the many magazine racks in the newsstand and was, as advertised, scanning an issue of Cosmopolitan. Dov realized that he'd caught a glimpse of her over there earlier, but that he had failed to recognize her at the time. There were a number of good reasons for this, the copy of Cosmo being number one. Five minutes ago, Dov would have bet his life that Peez would rather be caught in the middle of Fifth Avenue during New York City's Easter Parade, naked except for a pair of pink plush bunny ears, sooner than touch any magazine that tossed the word orgasm hither and yon like handfuls of confetti.

Another reason Dov had noted but not seen Peez was more basic: She'd changed her looks. Gone was the severe, serviceable hairstyle. Somewhere along the line she'd gotten a stylish cut and was wearing her hair loose, lightly curled and— Were those highlights?

"Son of a seamstress," he muttered. "She's actually got a figure!" It was true. The same impulse that had made Peez set her hair loose had also caused her to wear clothing that was shorter, tighter, and a lot more colorful. She didn't look like one of the Reverend Everything's Temple Maidens by any means, but her ample curves were more welcoming and less intimidating than those California-perfect bodies.

"Well? Aren't you going to go over there and say hi to your beloved sister?" Ammi teased.

"In a pig's eye," Dov said through tightly gritted teeth. "Damn it, she is here to bag the Reverend Everything. And looking like that, she just might do it!"

"Told you so, told you so," Ammi chanted in an obnoxious singsong. "Unless you're right—as if!—and she's still got too many scruples to deal with the First Church of Perpetual Gimmickry."

"You think there's a chance of that?" Dov sounded pathetic.

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