Robert Asprin - E.Godz

"Fengsama? Face-time op? Elysians? Where the blazes are we and why don't the natives speak English?" Ammi squawked from inside Dov's shirt.

"Baby, why is your pacemaker talking?" Brytanni asked, pooching out her lips in the way her drama coach had taught her to indicate Sincerest Sympathy.

"That's not a pacemaker, that's—" Dov cudgeled his brains for the right excuse to explain away the chatty amulet. "That's my portable aura monitor," he said. "It issues me periodic verbal bulletins about, uh, which cosmic subsections of my spirit need an emergency fluffing."

"Oooooh! Can I see?" Brytanni didn't wait for permission; she thrust her hand into Dov's bosom, pulling out Ammi and a pinch of chest hair for good measure. "Eeeee! This is, like, sooo cute! Where'd you get it? Tibet? Khatmandu? Sharper Image?"

"I could tell you, but that would mean I'd have to spend an additional fifty thousand life-cycles in the Seventh Hell of the Demon Pimlico," Dov replied gravely, disengaging Brytanni's greedy fingers from the amulet. (He let her keep the wisp of chest hair, though.) "Of course I'd be happy to tell you anyway, with no thought for my own spiritual health whatsoever, but then the Powers of Ultimate Judgment might hold you accountable as an accessory to my downfall. No telling what penalty you'd have to pay for that in the afterlife. But if you do insist on an answer—"

Brytanni made haste to aver that she cared too much about Dov's soul to pursue the matter. Dov's cavalier mention of the chance for a less-than-blissful afterlife had a radically sobering effect on her, and she withdrew into an unbreakable silence that a Trappist monk might admire. Not a word did she speak as she conducted him to her Masserati and drove away from the airport. Dov did his eager best to keep up the social amenities, though his only topic of conversation was his abiding fear of the Ever- Vengeful-and-Vigilant Demon Pimlico and his hellish consort the Demon Queen Belgravia.

He was elaborating on the keystone doctrine of his supposed faith ("Damned if you do, damned if you don't") when she pulled into the parking lot of a towering multi-spired building bright with chrome, glass, and neon lotus flowers. A two-story-high sign out front proclaimed it to be the Serene Temple of Unfailing Lifescores. She hit the brakes, leaped out of the car, and dashed into the building without a backward glance. Dov thought he heard her utter a strangled sob.

"DING!" Ammi announced. "Fifteen minute aura-fluffing penalty for unprovoked chain-yanking. Why did you have to make that poor kid believe you worship demons? Couldn't you have just told her you were a Republican? It'd sound like the same thing, to her."

"I never said I worshipped demons; I just told her I was scared witless of them," Dov said. "If you'd been paying attention instead of just hanging around, you might have noticed that I never told her what I did worship."

"Besides yourself?" Ammi said with a lift of one silver eyebrow.

"You make it sound like it's a bad thing." Dov straightened his shoulders. "There's nothing wrong with being the number one parishioner in the First Church of Me."

"I'm not going to fault you for having a healthy self-image—" Ammi began.

"Gah! Watch your mouth. Talking about how healthy my self-image is, is like the gateway drug to pure psychobabble. It can only lead to gratuitous aura-fluffing."

"Fine." The amulet was miffed. "I was trying to be nice, but forget about it. You're a conceited, smug, self-centered twit and if you don't wrench your shoulder from constantly patting yourself on the back, you'll snap your spine from trying to kiss your own a—"

"Brother Dov!" A warm, rich, resonant voice poured down the steps of the Serene Temple and crashed over Dov like a deluge of heated oil. "We've been waiting for you. Approach and be welcome, if that is your life goal of the moment."

Dov looked up a flight of cyclopean white marble stairs that had apparently been lifted wholesale from the set of Intolerance. At the top of the steps, wearing a blue silk tunic, a wreath of fresh gardenias, and a cape of hummingbird feathers, stood the Reverend Everything. He was a hale and hearty man in his fifties, with the honest face of an infomercial spokesperson and a body that spoke of intense, regular workouts with the best personal trainers money could buy. His black hair, artfully kissed with gray just at the temples, had the look that only came from being cut and tinted by one of L.A.'s premier stylists, for a sum (without tip) that could feed a family of four for a week as long as they didn't go to Spago's.

"Reverend Everything, it's good to be here," Dov said, putting on Smile #496, a superstrength experimental prototype he'd been holding in reserve for an occasion like this. The Reverend Everything had been in business at the same location, under the same management, for years longer than E. Godz, Inc. had been in business. The electronic records that Dov had studied en route from Arizona told him that it would take something more than his normal line of business-speak and charisma to make a man like this throw his congregation's considerable support behind Edwina's baby boy.

Watch your step, Dov, he told himself as he ascended the snow-white steps to shake Reverend Everything's beautifully manicured hand. This guy's got the smarts to recognize a line of bullshit from ten miles away, in the dark. No pretty promises, no claims you can't substantiate on the spot, no IOUs, financial or spiritual. He'll see you and call you on them in a flash. When you're dealing with the truly successful phonies, the only way to win is to keep it real.

"Ah, Brother Dov, so good of you to visit us," Reverend Everything said, shepherding Dov through the towering doors of the sanctuary. "What a pity that it has to be under these grievous circumstances. I still recall the day that your dear mother approached me about affiliating the United Mithraic Order with E. Godz, Inc. Why, it seems as if it were only yester—"

"Uh, excuse me?" Dov paused beneath a tapestry depicting the Reverend Everything, dressed as an Aztec emperor, slaying a hydra whose wings were clearly labeled disunion and negativity. "The United what?"

"The United Mithraic Order," the Reverend Everything repeated affably enough. "That was what we called our congregation in those days. Ah, simple, humble beginnings! Not quite so simple once your dear mother provided us with the methods for channeling our collective zeal into tangible power, not to mention her invaluable advice in matters concerning what we need and need not pay the government."

He walked on, Dov by his side, until they reached another pair of doors, these adorned with quilted panels made from pieces of gold lame, burgundy-hued crushed velvet, bronze-shot turquoise brocade, sea-green silk, kingfisher-blue moire, and silver point-lace.

"Holy Seventh Avenue!" Ammi exclaimed. "I knew that Liberace was dead, but I never knew they skinned him for his hide!"

"And what might this be, Brother Dov?" Reverend Everything asked suavely, bending low to peer at the little amulet. "My, my. I had one just like this on the fax machine for the Blessed Keepers of the Holy Actualization—that was the name of our divine mission about two years ago. It was a gift from Edwina. Why do you carry it around with you?"

"Oh, he—it's a later model with more technological capabilities than simple fax interfacing," Dov said a little too quickly, a little too glibly.

"I see." Reverend Everything smiled and patted Dov on the shoulder. "There, there, son. We all get lonely at the top." He opened the doors with a dramatic flourish just as he added: "But we all find our ways to make do."

The full glory of the inmost sanctuary of the Serene Temple of Unfailing Lifescores burst upon them with the impact of a Fourth of July fireworks extravaganza. Row after row of plexiglass pews filled the chamber, sparkling beneath the battery of complexion- flattering pink lights on high. A raised platform stood at the end of the white-carpeted aisle that looked about as long as a football field. Twin choirs of fresh-faced young men and women with flowered sarongs wrapped around their lissome bodies stood ranging all up and down the length of a pair of airy spiral staircases, the banisters draped with luxuriant vines. They burst into song as soon as their leader noted the Reverend's entrance. Exotic blossoms were everywhere, and Dov could have sworn he heard the soft calls of tropical birds and monkeys echoing through the sanctuary. Somewhere a steel drum band was playing a Shaker hymn.