Robert Asprin: A Phule and His Money

"I doubt I'll get any peace until I let you," said Brandy. "What is it this time, Mahatma?"

"The reason we're testing out rides is to find out whether they're better than the government's rides, isn't it?"

"Got it in one," said Brandy.

"But Sarge, how can you compare two things when you only know one?"

"Say what?" Brandy's face took on a particular puzzled expression that Mahatma's questions often seemed to elicit.

"Listen, Sarge," said Mahatma. "If you want to compare apples and oranges, you have to taste an apple, and then an orange, not so?"

"Nobody can compare apples and oranges," said Brandy, furrowing her brow. "You can't do it..."

Mahatma interrupted her. "Then why does everyone say to me always, You're comparing apples and oranges, if I don't do it? If I do it, you can't say nobody does it."

"Brandy, Mahatma making sense this time," said Tusk-anini.

"I'm supposed to take your word for that?" scoffed Brandy. Tusk-anini's intellect was highly respected by the Omega Mob, but his approach to logic didn't always match the human model.

"Listen, Brandy," said Tusk-anini. "We only test our rides. How we know if they better than other rides unless we go on other rides?"

"Oh, I get it," said Brandy. "Well, I guess the question does make sense, after all. Except we can't go on the government's rides until they open the park. Which is a shame, come to think of it..."

"Yo, Sarge, I got a great idea," said Do-Wop.

"Now we're really in trouble," said Brandy, covering her eyes in mock horror. "There's probably no way I can stop you from telling me this brilliant idea, so maybe you better tell me now. But don't expect me to do anything about it, OK?"

"Ahhh, Sarge, you ain't gonna hafts do anything about it," said Do-Wop, grinning. "Leave it to me and the guys..."

"Right," said Brandy. "I'm not leaving anything up to you until I know the whole story. Spill it, Do-Wop. I expect I'm gonna regret this..."

The idea was exactly what she would have expected. The only problem was, the more Do-Wop explained it, the better it sounded. Almost against her will, she found herself nodding in agreement...

The fencing around New Atlantis Park was designed to let. the public follow the progress of construction, while maintaining a reasonable degree of security. The idea was to whet the public's appetite, without giving the competition anything useful. This went against local custom, which treated every detail of a new ride, from its overall height to the color of the seats, as a trade secret. So when Okidata and Do-Wop pulled their hovercar up to a side entrance for Landoor Park, they were met by a pair of government security guards. The park's fence was ten feet high, topped with razor wire to prevent anyone stealing a peek inside. Harsh floodlights illuminated the area in front.

"Let me do the talking," Okidata whispered as the guard approached. "I know most of these guys, and I have the right accent."

Do-Wop seemed dubious. "OK, man, but if it gets rough, let me take over. I can talk my way out of anything."

"Yeah, and where's that gonna leave me?" said Okidata. He elbowed the legionnaire playfully and turned to meet the guards. "Hey, it's Footsy and Annie! Long time no see."

"Long time is right, Okie," said the woman, a tough-looking brunette in a dark green uniform. "Sorry we can't talk, but this is a restricted zone. You gotta move along."

"That's too bad, Annie, because I need to talk to you guys," said Okidata in a conspiratorial voice. "I got a proposition for you."

"Okie, you better move along," said the other guard, presumably Footsy, but he said it with a deep chuckle. "Last time you came to me with a proposition, it nearly got us both thrown out of school."

"Yeah, but it was fun while it lasted," said Okidata, and Do-Wop could hear the grin in his voice. "Here's the deal, guys-how'd you like a free preview of the triffest ride on the planet?"

"We've got the triffest ride on the planet right inside," said Annie, her eyes narrowing.

"Sure you do," said Okidata. "But you know what's goin' on down the street, don't you?"

"Rebel park," said Footsy. "You workin' for them?"

"Yeah, their money's as good as the government's," said Okidata. "And their rides might be even better than the government's, but of course, I only know one side of the story. Same as you, I guess."

"Let me guess," said Annie, leaning on the hovercar's window frame. "You can sneak us onto the rebel rides. Same as you used to sneak us onto the Weasel when you worked at Dunes Park."

"I can," said Okidata. "It won't even get me in trouble with the boss, this time. He wants people to know how good his rides are, and the best way is to give out a few free samples, just to get talk started."

"And how do we earn this so-called free ride?" said Annie, her eyes narrowing even more.

Okidata belatedly remembered the repayment he'd gotten from her for the free ride on the Weasel, but it was too late to back out. "Well, maybe me and my friend could watch the gate here while you were getting your free rides..."

"Su-u-ure," said Annie. "And you're gonna pay our salary after we get bounced, too, huh? No deal, Okie. Jobs are still scarce."

"We could sweeten it a little bit," said Do-Wop, leaning across to smile at Annie.

"Who's this?" she asked, drawing back.

"That's my friend Do-Wop," said Okidata, inwardly cringing.

"That's right, and baby, have we got a deal for you," said Do-Wop. "For you and any of your friends who'd like a look at New Atlantis Park before it opens."

"Don't get me wrong, I'd love to check out them rides," said Footsy. "But this is the government we're workin' for. And it ain't only us involved-there's other guards, and supervisors, and all kinds of electronics..."

"No prob, we can take care of everybody," said DoWop.

Footsy was dubious. "We'd get a look at a jail cell if we mess up, and I sure ain't interested in that."

"Not to sweat," said Do-Wop. "We got all the angles covered. But we oughta park this hover so it don't attract attention, and then talk somewhere out of sight. Any ideas?"

"You go ahead two blocks, turn right, and park there," said Annie with a decisive tone. "Come back to the guard shack-and make sure nobody follows you."

"Don't worry, nobody's gonna follow us. We'll be right back," said Okidata. He put the hovercar in gear, and pulled away, smiling. Like any good fisherman, he knew when he'd got his quarry hooked.

"What this ride called?" asked Tusk-anini, looking up at the towering framework. Here inside the government park's security screens, they could see that it was a stand-up ride, with padded shoulder harnesses that came down automatically to hold the riders securely in place.

"This is the one we code-named the Beast," said Okidata. "I don't know what they're calling it. Suppose it doesn't matter."

"We will ride them all," said Mahatma, jotting something on a notepad. "But we need to distinguish one from another for the debriefing. It is too bad you don't know their name for it."

"That's the one thing I couldn't get my friends to tell me," said Okidata. Everything else had gone well so far. Annie and Footsy had let the crew through the gates, and given them "borrowed" plans showing the various controls they'd need to run the rides. And, unless the schedule had been changed, the inside guards weren't due to visit this area until the legionnaires were gone. They hoped the security screens would keep the light and noise from being noticed at any distance.

"Well, let's crank her up, then," said Do-Wop. "Are you sure you know how the controls work on this thingie?"

"I've been running rides since I was a snot-nosed kid," said Okidata, who was possibly twenty standard years old. "They all work the same way. Don't worry-not even the government could build something I can't run."