Robert Asprin - A Phule and His Money

"Uh, maybe you could make an exception for the little lady, Taep. At least let me get a head start on her," said Hansen, looking apprehensively at Super-Gnat.

"This is my fault," said Phule, putting a hand on Taep's shoulder. "I owe everyone an apology. It seemed important to maintain secrecy, but I can see I've carried it too far. I should have known my people would come looking for me if I didn't report back, and that it could have been real trouble when they came in contact with your people."

"I understand the need for military secrecy," said Armstrong, massaging his wrists, which Hansen had uncuffed after a nod from Taep. "If my superior officer doesn't tell me something, I have to assume he has good reasons. Whatever brought you out here to meet the rebels has to have been pretty important, or you wouldn't have risked it.

"Well, yes," said Phule. "In fact, you arrived just as we were putting the finishing touches on it. The rebels have agreed to end their rebellion! Instead, they're going to return to Atlantis and enter into peaceful competition with the government."

"They have?" Armstrong's jaw fell. "That's brilliant, sir, absolutely brilliant. How did you manage to convince them?"

"Well, it wasn't all that hard, once I understood how people on this planet think," said Phule. "All I had to promise was that I'd help them build the galaxy's greatest roller coaster."

Journal #420

My employer's decision to do business directly with the rebels appeared to be a sound one. After his initial hostility, Le Duc Taep turned out to be far more a pragmatist than many of his followers. My employer was pleased to discover that Taep had a good grasp of details and a willingness to set aside dogma in favor of attainable goals. The two of them sat down to create a blueprint for the return of the rebel army to the mainstream of Landoor-as entrepreneurs.

Having settled the project's main outlines, my employer returned to the Legion base to begin his part in building the rebel amusement park. He began by securing title to a large plot of land directly across the road from the government's park. The actual owners were the rebel leaders, now reconstituted as a corporation-a status many of them found more congenial than camping in the jungle. Since the laws forbade off-planet citizens from owning shares in local businesses, my employer was constrained to act behind the scenes, making loans to the new park's owners, and bringing in outside experts to aid their enterprise.

Predictably, the government was not happy to learn this.

Phule had settled into a comfortable rhythm on the rowing machine at the Landoor Plaza's fitness club when his communicator sounded. He was tempted to ignore the signal; he'd lost several days on his exercise program during his trip out to the rebel base, and he was in the mood for a good workout. But the readout on his wrist said PRIORITY, which meant that Mother judged it important enough to interrupt him.

"Jester here," he said, dropping one oar to raise the communicator to mouth level.

"Hate to bother you, loverboy," said Mother's saucy voice. "A couple of local bigwigs want to see you soonest. You put their names on the let-through list, so I'm lettin' you know. Shall I send 'em in, or do you want to get dressed first? They've got steam coming out their ears."

"That depends on who they are, and what their business is," said Phule. "I assume you asked them?"

"Ah, roger, sweetie," said Mother. There was a moment's pause and she said, "The nasty one's Colonel Mays and the ugly one's Boris Eastman-they said you'd know them. As for their business, Mays mentioned espionage, sedition, and harboring criminals. Have you been a bad boy again?"

"Not exactly," said Phule. "I guess I'd better see them anyway. I'll be in my office in five minutes."

"I'll tell them," said Mother. Then, after a pause, "That doesn't give you enough time to change. You aren't going to change to meet them? Tsk, tsk."

"If they're that anxious to see me, I shouldn't make them wait," said Phule. "Besides, if I show up in skivvies, it proves I'm taking them seriously. It can't hurt. Tell them I'm on my way." He toweled a few beads of sweat off his forehead, and made his way through the hotel's back corridors to his office.

Mays and Eastman were in the waiting room. Eastman was seated, tapping his fingers nervously, but Mays was pacing, jittery as a caged predator. They both turned to glare as he strode briskly through the door. "Well, gentlemen, sorry to keep you waiting," said Phule. "We in the military have to stay in shape, and I'm afraid I haven't had much time for that lately. What can I do for you?" He indicated the open doorway into his private office.

"You've had plenty of time for meddling," snapped Eastman. He rose to his feet, his fists balled at his side.

"That depends on what you mean by meddling," said Phule, as calmly as he could manage. "Come inside and we can discuss it."

The two followed him into the office, grumbling, and he closed the door behind them. He directed them to a large couch, then perched on the edge of his desk and said, "Gentlemen, I have good news for you. I have just returned from a mission to persuade Le Duc Taep to end his rebellion. I'm sure you will be pleased to learn that Le Duc Taep is disbanding his army. Instead of trying to overthrow the government, the rebels are ready to do their part to build a strong economy."

"Build the economy? Better you should say destroy the economy!" said Eastman. "We know the score. The outlaws plan a theme park in direct competition with Landoor Park-endangering a project the government has invested millions in!"

Phule smiled. "Le Duc Taep's new park will create jobs-I'd think you'd be in favor of that."

"He will steal our workers-people we've trained!" snarled Eastman, "The workers should be grateful for government jobs."

"If the jobs are that good, Taep won't be able to hire the workers away," said Phule. "I'm a businessman, Deputy Eastman. I don't expect the law of supply and demand to suspend itself for my benefit."

"No, but you're not above diddling with it," said Colonel Mays, grimacing. "I won't deny you your due, Captain-if you have convinced the rebels to lay down their arms, you have earned our sincere congratulations. But tell me this, Le Duc Taep is not a poor man, but he has never had the capital to start up a project like this. You're bankrolling him, aren't you?"

"I've extended him a business loan," said Phule, with a shrug. "I've had everything vetted by a local lawyer, and she assures me we're in perfect compliance with your laws."

Eastman made a rude noise. "You can find a lawyer to approve anything, if you're willing to pay enough. Don't bandy legalisms with us, Captain. You've been trying to undermine this government ever since you arrived onplanet-"

Phule cut him off. "Let's get one thing straight, Deputy. My orders come from the Galactic Joint Chiefs of Staff-not from anybody on this planet. I'm not so foolish as to ignore local opinion in arriving at my policies. But so far all I've heard from the government is accusations and bluster."

"That's the line you're taking, is it?" said the Colonel. "Well, I give you credit for guts, if not for common sense. Don't think we won't go over your head, Captain-you are a very small fish, whether you know it or not."

"I am no egomaniac, Colonel," said Phule. "But I suggest you stop trying to intimidate me. That's already been tried. By the way, have your police found those snipers yet?"

"I don't like your implication," Eastman bristled.

Mays held up a hand. "Let me respond to that, Boris," he said. Then he turned back to Phule. "Captain, I'm sure that my police could find the sniper quickly enough, if they questioned some of your new associates. Oh, that reminds me of a question I had-when can we expect you to turn over the rebel leaders to stand trial for their crimes?"