Robert Asprin - Myth-ion Improbable

"Why don't I think it's going to be that easy?" I said.

"Because it never is." Glenda said.

Around me the empty-eyed cow skulls started to hum faintly and vibrate a little, filling the room with a noise that ate at my very soul.

"Whatever we're going to do," Tanda said, her hands over her ears, "let's do it fast."

Again I stuffed the map in my pouch and, with my hands over my ears as well, I headed through the middle of thousands of humming skulls toward the secret panel in the far wall.

By the time I got there the sound from the skulls in my head was so painful I didn't even stop. I just went right on through and out onto a thick carpet of beautiful grass.

Aahz, Tanda, and Glenda followed me, with Aahz shut ting the secret panel behind us, instantly stopping the painful energy pounding at my head. I would have been relieved if I hadn't been so stunned at what faced me.

There was a guy, sitting in a lounge chair on the other side of the field of grass, reading a newspaper. If he had had on a white apron, he would have looked almost exactly like the guy who had waited on us in Audry's.

The setting sun was pouring through one of the room's giant windows and turning the nearby hills to a wonderful shade of gold and pink and red.

I glanced around. Except for the patch of grass we were standing on, the room looked like a large suite, with a big bed, a kitchen against one wall, and a private bathroom area off to one side.

The guy was sitting in what looked like a livingroom area, except that there was only one chair. He looked over at us, then shook his head as if not believing what he was seeing. Then he looked at us again and jumped to his feet, an expression of sheer joy and happiness on his face.

"My wonderful heavens!" he shouted. "You've finally come!"

"I think he's happy to see us," Tanda whispered.

The guy came toward us, his face almost breaking from the smile filling it.

"Really happy," I whispered back.

"My friends, my friends, come in," he said, motioning us to come toward his living area. "Don't be afraid. I'm just so happy you have arrived."

"You are?" Aahz asked.

The guy laughed.

"I am. I honestly am. I can't believe after all this time the map has finally brought someone to rescue me!"

"You can't always get what you want."

M. JAGGER

The guy led us off the grass and into what was clearly his home.

"Sorry for the mess," he said, scampering about picking up a book here, a notebook there, some dishes which he quickly put in the sink. We all just sort of stood in a group watching him. "My name is Harold. I'm sorry I don't have enough chairs for you all."

He looked like a Harold. The name fit him, and all the other guys who looked a lot like him in all the Audry's-like places we had been in. Harold pulled his one kitchen chair away from the small table and set it out, then indicated that one of us should take it and another should take his recliner. It was beyond clear that he never got guests of any kind-at least the type of guests he wanted to sit down with. I think at that point we were all so stunned by what he had said, we really weren't reacting well. I know I wasn't. I have no real idea what I thought I was going to find when we got to the "treasure," but a guy waiting to be rescued sure wasn't it. And a guy who had used the map to bring his rescuers would have never occurred to me. Only Glenda took his offer of the recliner and settled into it with a deep sigh. The guy looked at her, worried.

"You were captured and taken last night, were you not?"

"I was," she said.

Harold looked sincerely upset. "I'm so sorry. You're so lucky you survived it."

"We saw a room full of people who didn't," Aahz said.

The poor guy looked like he might just faint away right there. He was wringing his hands, shaking his head, and pacing.

"It's all my fault, you know. All my fault."

"Okay," Aahz said, trying to calm the guy a little. "You want to explain to us what's going on?"

"Actually start from the beginning," I said, leaning against the kitchen counter.

From where I stood I could see out the two-story-tall win dows that flanked one side of the big room. The valley below was in complete shadow, but the sun still covered the moun tains and streamed in through the window onto the grass. If this was a prison, it was the nicest jail cell I had seen in a long time.

Harold nodded. "I'm sorry, I am just so shocked you are here, that the map worked."

"The beginning," Aahz reminded him.

"Please?" Tanda said. "Right now you are looking at four of the most confused people you have ever seen."

"Okay," Harold said, his head nodding like it was on a spring. He glanced at the window and then took a deep breath. "I've only got a half-hour until sunset and this is a long story. I might have to continue it in the morning."

"No problem," Aahz said, clearly doing his green-scaled best to calm the guy. "Just start and we'll go from there."

Again Harold did the nodding routine, his head going up and down so hard I was sure he was going to have a neck ache. "First off, you're standing in what centuries ago used to be called Count Bovine's Castle."

Okay, I have to say that I wasn't the one who started the snickering. Tanda was, with her snort. Then Aahz started shaking his head, clearly trying to contain himself, and I just couldn't keep the laugh inside anymore. Thank heavens the guy was so lost in trying to tell us the story he didn't notice.

"For as long as history recorded," Harold said, gathering speed on his tale, "Bovine's type and our people lived in an uneasy balance. They fed off of us; we killed them when we discovered them. Everything was in balance. The legends go that Count Bovine, a very long-lived and smart vampire, found this area and took it over. He enslaved the people of Donner and built this castle."

Harold waved his arms in both directions to make sure, I guess, that we knew he meant the castle we were sitting in.

"Then Count Bovine led his people in a revolt against my people, using the power that came from this castle. Over a period of a hundred years he swept out over everything and was on the verge of wiping my kind from the face of this planet."

The guy glanced at the window. The sun was on the tops of the mountains. Sunset was close.

Harold went on. "Of course, during that time Bovine's people also wiped out almost all other living creatures here as well with their blood thirsty ways. Day in and day out, they just couldn't get enough blood to satisfy themselves."

It suddenly dawned on me, that except for horses, we hadn't seen any other creatures since we had gotten here. No dogs or wild animals. Nothing but cows, horses, and people.

"Okay, a quick question," I said. Harold nodded with a glance at the window. "You're saying that Bovine's people were not cows at that point, but were people like you, just vampires?"

"Yes," Harold said. "In fact, it is rumored that vampires originally came from our species, but that fact is lost in time, if true."

"It's that way on other dimensions," Aahz said, "so it is more than likely it was that way here as well."

Harold nodded. "I had heard that as well."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"Count Bovine, who was not a stupid individual, under stood that something had to be changed or his people would wipe out my people, who were his people's only remaining food source."

"Makes sense," Tanda said. "You lose your food, you die as well."

"Exactly," Harold said. "So he struck a deal with the few remaining of my people to take his people away for all but the nights of the full moon, if my people would serve his kind during that time as food."