Robert Asprin - No Phule Like an Old Phule

"Tryin' to learn how these here Zenobians can write before they can talk," said Rev, who'd fallen to the floor early and managed to avoid being hit by anything solid during the food fight. "And, to get right back to square number one, tryin to find out somethin' about this here character name of 'L'VlZ in their mythology, which is what got me started on this whole fuss and botheration."

"Yo, Rev, you really think there's some kinda connection?" asked Do-Wop. He'd somehow managed to avoid any damage other than a thoroughly besmirched uniform, despite being one of the prime instigators and most active participants in the mess hall fracas. "I mean, the dinos and humans never even met until just a couple-three years ago. Don't make sense that they'd know squat about your guy, the King. What d'you think, Soosh?"

"It seems far-fetched to me, too," Sushi admitted. "But tell me, Rev-why haven't you just asked Flight Leftenant Qual what it's about? He's got to know."

"Sure he does," said Rev. "In fact, I tried 'xactly that, and the little leftenant clammed up quicker than a politician on the witness stand. The long and short of it is, I gotta find out on my own."

"All right, I guess that makes sense," said Sushi. "It just doesn't sound like Qual to me. But what if it does turn out that the Zenobians had their own analog of the King? It'd be the most sensational discovery since it turned out the Synthians have a game exactly like human chess, only with a nine-by-nine board and an extra piece on each side, and the pawns reverse direction when they reach the back row, instead of promoting. Who could resist the chance to be in on a discovery like that?"

"Me for one, if they were givin' away free beer across the street," said Do-Wop. "I mean, don't get me wrong, Rev-doin' this job is way better than KP, or nighttime guard duty. But I don't think it makes a whole bunch of difference how it turns out, y'know?" Rev looked at Do- Wop with one eyebrow arched.

"Well, Do-Wop, if this here project don't move you, I could always cut you loose. 'Course, if you were hangin' out in the parade ground doin' nothin' in particular, ol' Beeker might remember just who it was who was flingin' the cheese sauce that got allover the captain's uniform. I won't claim I've had to pull any strings to keep you off'n some kind of punishment duty, but it could happen, y'know. It could happen."

"Aw, c'mon, Rev," whined Do-Wop. "You know the captain wouldn't do that to me. He's a laid-back dude..."

"Sure," said Rev, shrugging. Then he added, with a hint of significance, "But Beeker jes' might be the kind to hold a grudge."

"You think so?" asked Do-Wop, now visibly worried. "Jeez-I wonder if there's any way I could make him forget about what was goin' on there..."

"Why don't you jes' let me take care of it, son?" Rev put his hand on Do-Wop's shoulder and spoke in his most sympathetic voice. "The captain knows I don't have no kind of ax to grind, except maybe to see that the King's good people get treated fair and square. You do a good job for me, and I'll make sure nobody ever says boo to you."

Sushi chuckled. "And if my buddy joins the Church of the King, you'll make double sure nobody bothers him, right?" he said, with a knowing grin.

"Why, Sushi! I'm surprised you would suggest such a thing," said Rev. "Everybody in Omega Company is my concern, you know that."

"Right, but the ones with pompadours, sideburns, and pouty mouths are a little bit more your concern," said Sushi. "Don't worry about Do-Wop, Rev. I think I've known him long enough to have a pretty good idea what he does best. .."

Do-Wop looked up with a surprised expression. "Hey, thanks, Soosh. I didn't know you thought that much of me.. ."

"... which is goofing off," Sushi finished.

"Yo! That ain't fair!" said Do-Wop, punching his buddy on the shoulder. "I thought you was gonna defend me!"

"You've known me long enough that you should've known better," said Sushi. "But seriously, Rev, you don't have to worry about Do-Wop. He knows a good deal when he sees one, and this is about as good as he's going to get in the Legion. Trust us-we'll get you results, if anybody can. Now, here's an idea I just came up with..." Rev and Do- Wop bent close to listen, and soon their heads were nodding.

"Pssst-Harry sent me," said a shadowy figure just beyond the perimeter of Zenobia Base.

"Yeah? What's the word?" said Double-X, who'd volunteered for sentry duty on this part of the perimeter. Rembrandt had been mildly surprised that the Supply sergeant's assistant was volunteering for anything at all, but she'd shrugged and put Double-X on the duty roster. Anytime somebody actually wanted to take on nighttime guard duty, it was one fewer warm body she'd have to cajole into doing

it. And while she'd probably wonder about the reason for the unusual request, the captain's policy was to give the troops a good deal of slack, and she wasn't about to overrule him.

"Bird is the word," said the voice from beyond the perimeter.

"What's the bird?" said Double-X.

"Thunderbird," said the voice, somewhat exasperated.

"Hey, can we come in now? This password stuff is silly."

"Aww, you know we gotta do all this stuff in the Legion, man," said Double-X. "You got it right, anyhow. Come on in-but hurry, we don't want the wrong folks to see you."

"We're comin'," said L. P. Asho, stepping out of the shadows. He was followed by Euston O'Better and Austen Tay-Shun. All three were wearing dark coveralls not quite Legion black, but good enough to reduce visibility on a dark night. The three men stopped just inside the perimeter, then Asho asked, "Which way's Harry's place?"

"Straight ahead," said Double-X. "The Supply shed's right behind that big Zenobian machine-watch out you don't trip over it. I don't know whether you can break anything 'sides your toe, but you wouldn't want to find out the hard way."

"Weird-lookin' thing," said O'Better. "What's it do?"

"Damfino," said Double-X. "They call it a sklem, and if you know what that means you're one up on me. Hurry up, now, 'fore somebody spots you."

"We're going, don't worry." The three hunters moved off toward the supply shed, leaving Double-X alone on the perimeter. He watched them go, then settled back down to wait. He'd be off duty in another three hours. With any luck, the off-planet suckers would still have some money left by then. If what Harry said was right, they had plenty to lose. If they'd already been cleaned out, well, those were the breaks. He'd have to take his chances with the usual crew.

"Four thousand dollars?" Lola's jaw dropped. "Victor Phule gave you four thousand dollars?"

Ernie grinned, and he tossed the four Fat Chance Casino chips lightly from hand to hand. "To tell the truth, it was only a thousand." He stopped and laughed.

"Only-and that was really just a loan to play the slots. For a goof, I guess. I won nine thou, and gave him back his one plus half the winnings. So he came out ahead of the game, too."

"All right, but he had no way of knowing. you were going to win," said Lola. "Why'd he give you money to throwaway in one of those stupid slots?"

"He was gonna play it if I didn't," said Ernie. "I think he was just using me to change his luck or something. Or maybe he did know it was going to come up a winner-if he's shilling for the casino, maybe he'd have some way to rig that, figuring that if I do hit a winner, I'll put the money, plus some of my own, back in the machine trying to win again."

"And just as likely, you'll walk away and cash it in," said Lola, frowning. "Which is exactly what you did except you didn't cash in. Why not?"

"I wanted him to think I don't need the dough that bad," said Ernie. "I'm pretending to be a guy with a few bucks of my own. If I cash the chips in right away, it looks like I'm hungry for the money. If I just throw a few thou in my pocket like small change, and walk out like it's too much of a pain in the ass to wait in line to change 'em, it makes the scam look better. Next time I walk in there, Phule will think I'm one of the big boys, just like him. And the chips are good anytime-you could go cash 'em in, one chip at a time, and nobody'd know any better."