Robert Asprin - No Phule Like an Old Phule

The bodyguard was scowling even more fiercely, but Ernie gave the token a flip, and said, "Oh, all right. Just one spin. If I win anything, I'll give you half."

He dropped the token in a slot and pulled the lever. The symbols began to spin in front of him...

"All right," said Phule, shading his eyes with his left hand. "Explain to me just what happened at dinner."

Rembrandt stood at the foot of his desk, looking just as unhappy as her superior officer. "Well, Captain," she began, "we warned all the nonhuman members of the company to avoid the dining hall until Barky and the AEIOU group were gone. It looks as if Barky has some particular grudge against nonhuman sophonts-you'd think they'd have trained that out of him, but there it is. What nobody had picked up on is that we've got a new member in the company, Thumper by name. He's a Lepoid from Teloon."

"And nobody remembered to warn him about Barky," Phule finished the sentence for her. "Or me about him, either. I had such a perfect plan, too. We'd give the AEIOU inspectors a nice guided tour of the base, pointing out all the neat environmental things we're doing. Then we'd feed them a better meal than they get in their own camp, let the troops make friends with Barky, and send the inspectors home with everybody feeling good about each other/"

"Yes, sir," said Rembrandt, not lifting her gaze to meet his.

Phule shook his head, then continued in a quiet voice. "The worst thing is, it almost worked. Even after Barky had his run-in with Tusk-anini, I thought we'd managed to smooth it all over. Then this Thumper walks into the mess hall, and Barky takes off after him like... like a dog after a rabbit. And now we've got another incident on our hands, just as I thought we were about to make some real headway."

"Escrima didn't make it any better," said Rembrandt, quietly.

"No, I guess not," said Phule. He raised his hand to grip the bridge of his nose, as if his sinuses were paining him. After a bit he looked up, and asked, "The new recruit Thumper-is he all right?"

"Yes," said Rembrandt. "He's pretty fast-maybe faster than Qual, from what I saw last night. Barky never had a chance to catch him."

"The canine made an astounding effort, though," Beeker observed quietly. "I've rarely seen such a... dogged pursuit."

Rembrandt groaned. "Well, it was in character," she conceded. Then her eyes opened wider, and she said, "But that reminds me, Captain-Legionnaire Thumper wants to speak to you personally."

Phule nodded. "Oh, of course. Is he here? Bring him in, then."

Rembrandt went to the door and beckoned to the waiting Legionnaire, and a moment later Thumper came into the room. Phule took a moment to size up the new member of his company, whom he'd seen before only in the chaotic action that had taken place in the mess hall earlier that evening. Thumper stood just under 1.5 meters tall, if you counted his long ears-which in any case were hard to ignore. His eyes were the second most prominent feature of his face: big and brown, nervously checking out the room as he entered. His incisors were prominent, and below his twitchy pink nose were long, catlike whiskers. His feet ..were long, too--or perhaps it was the obvious adaptation of his entire lower legs for speed that made them appear so., The instant reaction any human child would have had upon seeing him-or any other of his Lepoid race-was "big bunny." Phule had to consciously restrain himself from allowing a goofy grin to spread across his face. And he couldn't help wondering whether there was a fluffy white tail under that black Legion jumpsuit.

Phule somehow managed to keep a straight face as the Lepoid came to attention at the foot of his desk and saluted-rather smartly, he thought. "At ease, Thumper," he said. "What can I do for you?"

The Lepoid appeared to relax fractionally. "I'm not sure, sir," Thumper said. "I've always wanted to be a legionnaire. But now that I'm in the Legion, I keep having problems with superior officers. I got sent here because General Blitzkrieg thought I'd ruined his uniform..."

"The general had you sent here?" Rembrandt asked. "That explains it, then. He's been trying to make trouble for us ever since he sent the captain here..."

"I hope you don't mean that the way it sounds, Lieutenant," said Phule, with a grin. Before Rembrandt could protest her innocence, he turned to Thumper, arid continued, "What just happened in the mess hall wasn't your doing, Legionnaire. We thought we'd warned all our nonhuman legionnaires to take their meals after Barky had left, so as to avoid something like what happened. But you were new here, and nobody thought to include you in the warnings. I'm sorry about that, and it shouldn't have happened. But it's no more your fault than your being a member of a species that the dog wanted to chase. So relax-nobody here holds it against you."

"Thank you, sir," said Thumper. "But there's another thing..." He paused.

"Go ahead, Thumper," said Phule. He'd already noticed that the Lepoid spoke excellent Standard, without using a translator. Thumper took a deep breath. "As I said, sir, I've wanted to be a legionnaire ever since I was growing up. But what I've seen so far in the Legion hasn't been at all like what I expected."

"I know what you mean," said Phule, with a quiet smile. "Day-to-day life in the military actually tends to be pretty boring..." He looked at the expression on

Rembrandt's face, and added, "Well, maybe this company is an exception."

"I consider that rather an understatement, sir," said Beeker, his eyebrows raised.

Rembrandt cleared her throat. "Perhaps we ought to let Thumper finish what he's saying, sir," she said.

"Ahh, of course you're right, Lieutenant," said Phule. "Please, Thumper, tell us what you were about to say. Sorry for the interruption."

Thumper's ears twitched, and he looked open-eyed first at Rembrandt, then at Phule. "I was going to ask how I could get out of the Legion and go back home," he said. "Everything that's happened to me since basic training had convinced me I'd made a really bad mistake. But I think I just changed my mind. I mean, I never heard an officer admit he was wrong about something, or apologize to an enlisted legionnaire. I've gotta think about this. So if you don't mind, I think I'll withdraw my request to speak to you, sir."

"All right, Legionnaire Thumper," said Phule, carefully. He hadn't seen much of the little Lepoid in action-just that one incredible burst of speed in the dining hall-but he'd read the report from Sergeant Pitbull, who'd been Thumper's drill instructor in basic. Pitbull's report was obviously phrased so as not to set off too many alarms if a certain Someone in Legion Headquarters happened to see it, but reading between the lines, it was full of praise for the diminutive recruit. Maybe Headquarters had done Omega Company a favor without intending to do so. It wouldn't be the first time that had happened. He chuckled, then added, "Go look around the company and see if you like what you see. If you still want to get out of here after you've had a good look at us, I'll make sure nobody stops you. But give us a chance. I have the idea you might fit into this company better than you think."

"I'll give you a fair chance if you'll give me the same, sir," said Thumper, coming to attention and saluting with a crispness that reminded Phule that the recruit was fresh out of basic.

Phule returned the salute, and added a smile. "You've got a deal, Thumper."

"Somebody remind me where we were before the roof fell in," said Sushi. It was early in the evening after the food fight in the mess hall, and there was a prominent shiner under Sushi's right eye, where a too-enthusiastically thrown apple had nailed him. He'd gone to the autodoc, which had dispensed a couple of pain pills and a tube of cream that would take down the swelling, but the discoloration would still last a couple of days.