Robert Asprin - Phules Paradise

For a moment, the man's eyes widened with surprise, then they narrowed warily.

"Forgive me," he said with careful formality. "But these are thing one does not speak of with strangers."

"I'm sorry," Maxine said with a smile. "You don't seem to know who I am. I had assumed Mr. Stilman had informed you before you arrived. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Maxine Pruet, though you may have heard me referred to simply as 'Max.'"

The man stared at her for a moment, then seemed to remember himself and sprang to his feet.

"I didn't know. My superior did indeed instruct me to convey his compliments," he intoned with a stiff bow from the waist. "Forgive me, but I only received my orders recently, and they were very brief and sketchy. I thought ... that is, I wasn't told ..."

"-that I was a woman?" Maxine smiled. "I'm not surprised, really. Your organization is even more rooted in old chauvinisms than my own. It stands to reason that if my name came up in conversation, my gender would be tactfully omitted."

She returned his bow with a slow nod of her head. "And who might you be?"

"I ... my name within our organization is Jonesy."

"Jonesy?" Laverna blurted in surprise from her place in the corner.

The man glanced at her and gave a brief, rueful smile.

"I travel extensively for our organization," he explained, "and it was thought that the name 'Jonesy' would be easier for outsiders to pronounce and remember than the one which was more ethnically correct."

"An interesting theory," Maxine observed. "It does, however, bring us back to my original question. What brings you to Lorelei, Mr. Jonesy? Business or pleasure?"

"Please, just `Jonesy,'" the man corrected gently. "A little of both, actually. I was originally here for a vacation, but, as I mentioned, I recently received a call from my superior instructing me to investigate certain business opportunities for our organization."

"And just what might those business opportunities be?" Maxine pressed. "I don't mean to pry, Mr .....onesy, but I would like some reassurance that they aren't in conflict with our own interests."

"I ..." Jonesy glanced at Stilman, who was standing between him and the door. "I was instructed to investigate the possibility of our organization acquiring full or partial ownership of this casino hotel."

His words hung in the air like a death sentence.

"I don't understand," Maxine said carefully. "There has always been a sort of gentleman's agreement between our organizations regarding territory. Why are you attempting to move into an area which has always been acknowledged as mine?"

"My superior told me to specifically assure you that we are not moving against you," the man explained hastily. "We will continue to respect your current holdings, and we will not compete with you for this property."

"Then what ..."

"Please, allow me to explain," Jonesy said, holding up a hand. "We are, of course, expecting you to attempt to gain control of this casino as you have the others on Lorelei. There has, however, been media coverage of a new security force hired to protect this facility. My superiors are impressed with the reputation of this force and the individual who leads it, and are unsure if your organization is capable of opposing it. I have simply been instructed to observe your efforts. If you are unsuccessful in adding the Fat Chance to your holdings, then my superiors feel they will be free to make an attempt of their own. In such a case, they feel they would not be opposing you in any way, but simply moving on an unclaimed opportunity. I hasten to repeat, however, that this will only be done if, and only if, your own efforts prove fruitless."

"I didn't know vultures were Japanese," Laverna observed dryly.

"That will do, Laverna," Maxine said primly. "If you would, Jonesy, the next time you speak with your superior, please convey to him my appreciation for his concern and his alertness in spotting an apparent business opportunity, but assure him that I have every confidence in our ability to maintain our unblemished record in this area, Space Legion or no."

"I will be pleased to do that," the man said with a shrug, "but words of confidence lose their strength in the face of actual performance."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Maxine said. "Please, Jonesy. If you have something to say, just say it plainly. We're trying to have a meeting here, not write fortune cookies."

"I believe there was an incident in the bar involving one of your men," Jonesy said calmly. "At least, we assume he was one of your men, since his medical expenses are being charged to your account. If that is true, then the results of that encounter do little toward justifying the confidence you have in your plan."

Maxine gave a short bark of laughter.

"Is that what this is all about?" she said, then leaned forward, showing all her teeth. "That was, at best, a diversion, Jonesy. A little something to show young Mr. Rafael that the force he has hired is more than adequate for handling any trouble that might arise. The truth is, we instructed our man to lose-to build the guards' confidence while providing us with information on their operating methods."

The man frowned. "I see."

"Perhaps if I outlined for you what our real plan is, you'd be better able to convince your superiors that their interest is not only premature, it's pointless."

Jonesy was humming to himself when he finally returned to his own room, though the tune was none other than the catchy advertising ditty from the Lorelei beacon.

Unlocking the door, he was just reaching for the light switch when a voice greeted him from the darkness.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Sushi?"

Startled, Sushi managed to click on the lights, and discovered his company commander sprawled in one of the room's chairs, squinting against the sudden brightness.

"Good evening, Captain. You gave me a bit of a turn just now. I didn't expect to see you."

"I gave you a bit of a turn?" Phule snarled. "You've had the whole force in an uproar since you showed up with those tattoos. I had to move fast to keep them from charging to the rescue when that goon picked you up.''

"Really?" Sushi said, raising his eyebrows. "I'll have to apologize. I didn't mean to panic everyone."

"Well, you panicked me!" the commander snapped. "Now, what's with the tattoos? Why are you posing as a member of the Japanese Mafia?"

"What makes you think it's a pose, Captain?" the Legionnaire countered blandly. "Our regular uniforms are long-sleeved. Have you ever seen my arms before?"

Phule gaped at him.

"Relax, Willard." Sushi laughed, resorting to Phule's civilian name. "You were right the first time. It's a disguise. I just wanted to pull your leg a little to try to get you to loosen up. You seemed awfully tense."

"Do you blame me?" the commander said, settling back in his chair with a glower. "All right, I'll bite. Where did you get the tattoos?"

"As a matter of fact, Lieutenant Rembrandt put them on for me," Sushi said, holding up his arms to display the decorations. "Aren't they great? I told her what I wanted in general, but the actual design is hers."

"Are you saying you cleared this masquerade with Rembrandt?" Phule said, ignoring the display.

"To be honest with you, Captain, I don't think she realized the significance of what I was asking." Sushi smiled. "I'll admit, I wanted it to be a surprise."

"Oh, it was a surprise, all right," the commander snorted. "But I'm still waiting for you to tell me why you're doing this."

"Isn't it obvious? You said you wanted to know what was going on here, didn't you? I simply figured that the best way to get reliable information was to go to the source-to try to infiltrate the opposition. Once I settled on that objective, it became clear to me that the best way to achieve it was to pose as a visiting dignitary from another criminal faction, of which the Yakusa was a natural choice."