Robert Asprin - Phules Paradise

The answer came to Lobo in the form of two Legionnaires who ambled into the bar while he was waiting for his drink. In an instant, Lobo knew he had his target.

The woman was nothing much-short, with the soft curves of lingering baby fat. But her companion! Lobo mentally licked his lips in anticipation.

Even Stilman would have to be impressed that Lobo had chosen the monster to pick a fight with, especially a fight he was destined to lose. What was more, "monster" was an accurate description of the Legionnaire he was targeting. The guy was some kind of alien, huge with a big warthog head and all-black animal eyes. At a glance it was easy to see that he would have to be one of the "heavyweights" for the security force.

"That will be five dollars, sir," the cocktail waitress said, interrupting Lobo's thoughts as she delivered his drink.

The opportunity was too good to let pass.

"What do you mean, five dollars?" he snarled, raising his voice. "I thought drinks were free in these casinos."

Though she was small, easily as small as the uniformed Legionnaire accompanying the monster, the cocktail waitress held her ground, apparently used to dealing with loud drunks.

"That's at the tables, sir," she explained patiently. "Drinks are complimentary while you're playing, but here in the bar we have to charge you. If you'd like, I can take it back."

"Oh, hell ... here!" Lobo spat, fishing a bill from his pocket and throwing it at her. "Just don't expect a tip, too."

The waitress smoothed the bill, quickly checking its denomination, then retreated without another word.

Glancing around the bar in mock anger, Lobo caught the Legionnaires watching him, as he had expected.

"What are you looking at, freak?" he challenged, ignoring the woman to deal directly with the monster.

The massive Legionnaire shrugged and turned back to his companion.

"Hey! Don't look away when I'm talkin' to you, freak!"

Lobo pressed, rising from his seat and approaching the other table. "What are you doin' in here, anyway? Doesn't this place have a leash law for pets?"

The woman opened her mouth to respond, but the monster laid a restraining hand on her arm.

"Sorry ... not mean to stare," the monster said haltingly. "My eyes not like yours. Sometimes look like I stare."

"Hey! He even talks funny!" Lobo said, turning to make his appeal to the bar's other customers only to find the few occupied tables had been deserted, their occupants seeking quieter surroundings for their drinking.

"Tell you what, babe," he said, focusing on the smaller Legionnaire. "Why don't you send this freak back to his kennel and let me buy your next round?"

"I'm happy where I am, thank you," the woman shot back coldly.

"With him?" Lobo laughed. "You military chicks can't be that hard up! What you need is a real man."

"Not talk like that," the monster rumbled. "Dangerous."

"Oh yeah?" his tormentor sneered. "You want to try to do somethin' about it ... freak?"

Of course, what the Voltron was referring to was something that Lobo was missing completely, focused as he was on his target. The small waitress who had served him his drink was now marching toward him from behind, still holding her now-empty metal drink tray.

"Come on, freak!" Lobo taunted. "Let's see what you've got."

With that, he leaned forward and slapped the monster playfully on the side of its snout just as the waitress stepped in close behind him, raising her tray.

Journal #214

As I have noted, it took a while for my employer to determine that the casino his force was guarding was, indeed, under attack, much less who his adversaries were.

The opposition, on the other hand, as instigators of the attack, had no such difficulty, though they, in turn, were lacking hard information as to the exact nature and temperament of the force arrayed against them.

I find it particularly interesting, however, that some of the main problems encountered by both commanders throughout this campaign came from within, not without.

There was a loud knock along with a muffled call of "Housekeeping," and Phule opened the door to admit his top sergeant, barely recognizable in her maid's uniform.

"I can only be here a few minutes, Captain," she declared hurriedly. "The story is I'm supposed to be checking to be sure the beds were made today, and if I take too long, the rest of the staff will start to wonder."

"All right, Brandy, I'll try to keep this brief," Phule said tersely. "I assume you've heard about Super Gnat's brawl?"

"It's all over the hotel," Brandy said, "though from what I hear, it wasn't much of a fight."

"Well, have you talked to her about it?"

"Just for a few minutes in passing," the top sergeant said. "She seems to be all right. Why do you ask?"

"Didn't you say anything to her about breaking cover?" Phule pressed, ignoring the question.

Brandy shrugged. "Not that I recall."

Phule started to snap something angrily, then caught himself.

"All right," he said stiffly. "I want you to get her aside ... pin her ears back for me. Understand?"

"No, I don't, sir," the top sergeant said, perching on the edge of the room's dresser in a pose much more in keeping with her old Legion manner. "Just what is it she's done that's supposed to be wrong?"

"Are you kidding?" the commander snarled. "She stepped in on a fight and jeopardized her whole cover as a cocktail waitress."

"I don't think so, Captain," Brandy countered. "The way I heard it, she just bopped him with a tray-didn't use any of the nasty stuff she's been trained in."

"The man's in the clinic with a concussion," Phule said pointedly.

"So? He got drunk and tried to pick a fight in a bar-and a casino bar at that. I don't think it's out of line that he got roughed up a little. You think that real waitresses can't get mean if you start acting up?"

"Usually they call for security," the commander argued. "They don't wade into it themselves when there are two security guards sitting right there."

"-who couldn't do anything without it looking like they were overreacting to a minor incident," Brandy added. "Seriously, Captain, would you really expect the Gnat to stand there looking helpless while someone slapped Tusk-anini around? You know how close they are ... and about the Gnat's temper."

"I guess it would be too much to hope for." Phule sighed, deflating slightly. "It just caught me by surprise is all. I hadn't stopped to think that anything like this might happen."

"Planned or not, I think it all turned out for the best," the sergeant said with a smile. "The incident got handled without our uniformed troops raising a hand. Instead of a possible lawsuit, the guy's going to want to forget about it as soon as possible. There's no glory in getting taken out by a female half your size, and he's sure not going to want to publicize it."

"You're probably right, Brandy," the commander said, "but it still worries me. When I sent part of the team under cover, I figured they would be acting as eyes and ears for the company, not as fists. Gathering information is one thing, but if anything goes wrong, if anyone catches on to who they really are, they're going to be out there alone, without support."

"Speaking as one of them, Captain," Brandy drawled, "we figured that danger was a part of the assignment. That's why you called for volunteers. Besides, nobody joins the Space Legion to be safe."

"Okay, okay! You've made your point," Phule said, holding up his hands in surrender. "Just"-he glanced away as he searched for the right words-"keep an ear open, will you, Brandy?" The words were so soft they were barely audible. "If you hear of anyone targeting her, don't wait to check with me or anyone else. Pull her out-quick!"