Douglas Adams - The Meaning of Liff

SNITTERBY (n.)

Someone who pins snitters (q.v.) on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is also suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows (q.v.)

SNITTERFIELD (n.)

Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.), cards saying 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps !!!' and slightly smutty postcards from Ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.)

SOLENT (adj.)

Descriptive of the state of serene self-knowledge reached through drink.

SOTTERLEY (n,)

Uncovered bit between two shops with awnings, which you have to cross when it's raining.

SPITTAL OF GLENSHEE (n.)

That which has to be cleaned off castle floors in the morning after a bagpipe contest or vampire attack.

SPOFFORTH (vb.)

To tidy up a room before the cleaning lady arrives.

SPROSTON GREEN (n.)

The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks he's being elegant.

STEBBING (n.)

The erection you cannot conceal because you're not wearing a jacket.

STOKE POGES (n.)

The tapping moments of an index finger on glass made by a person futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a post office clerk.

STURRY (n.,vb.)

A token run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately in front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any practical effect on their speed whatsoever.

SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)

Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided. 'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured things, 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items. Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull goo on a dinner jacket (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b) is going to tome very curious dinner parties.

SWANAGE (pl.n.)

Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn't work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.

SWANIBOST (adj.)

Complete shagged out after a hard day having income tax explained to you.

SYMOND'S YAT (n.)

The little spoonful inside the lid of a recently opened boiled egg.

TABLEY SUPERIOR (n.)

The look directed at you in a theatre bar in the interval by people who've already got their drinks.

TAMPA (n.)

The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk in a very quiet room.

TAROOM (vb.)

To make loud noises during the night to let the burglars know you are in.

TEGUCIGALPA (n.)

An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of something rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping for it in the darkness. A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a woman pulls a packet of Tampax out of her bag and offers them around under the impression that it is a carton of cigarettes.

THEAKSTONE (n.)

Ancient mad tramp who jabbers to himself and swears loudly and obscenely on station platforms and traffic islands.

THROCKING (participial vb.)

The action of continually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to toast something. Also: a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on 'Someone Save My Life Tonight' from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.

THROUCKMORTON (n.)

The soul of a departed madman: one of those now known to inhabit the timing mechanism of pop-up toasters.

THRUMSTRER (n.)

The irritating man next to you in a concert who thinks he's (a) the conductor, (b) the brass section.

THRUPP (vb.)

To hold a ruler on one end on a desk and make the other end go bbddbbddbbrrbrrrrddrr.

THURNBY (n.)

A rucked-up edge of carpet or linoleum which everyone says someone will trip over and break a leg unless it gets fixed. After a year or two someone trips over it and breaks a leg.

TIBSHELF (n.)

Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs and porcelain ponies in various postures.

TIDPIT (n.)

The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits may be sprung.

TIGHARRY (n.)

The accomplice or 'lure' who gets punters to participate in the three card trick on London streets by winning an improbable amount of money very easily.

TILLICOULTRY (n.)

The man-to-man chumminess adopted by an employer as a prelude for telling an employee that he's going to have to let him go.

TIMBLE (vb.)

(Of small nasty children.) To fail over very gently, look around to see who's about, and then yell blue murder.

TINCLETON (n.)

A man who amuses himself in your lavatory by pulling the chain in mid-pee and then seeing if he can finish before the flush does.

TINGRITH (n.)

The feeling of silver paper against your fillings.

TODBER (n.)

One whose idea of a good time is to stand behind his front hedge and give surly nods to people he doesn't know.

TODDING (vb.)

The business of talking amiably and aimlessly to the barman at the local.

TOLOB (n.)

A crease or fold in an underblanket, the removal of which involves getting out of bed an largely remaking it.

TOLSTACHAOLAIS (phr.)

What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you are not drunk.

TOOTING BEC (n.)

A car behind which one draws up at the traffic lights and hoots at when the lights go green before realising that the car is parked and there is no one inside.

TORLUNDY (n.)

Narrow but thickly grimed strip of floor between the fridge and the sink unit in the kitchen of a rented flat.

TORONTO (n.)

Generic term for anything which comes out of a gush despite all your careful efforts to let it out gently, e.g. flour into a white sauce, tomato ketchup on to fried fish, sperm into a human being, etc.

TOTTERIDGE (n.)

The ridiculous two-inch hunch that people adopt when arriving late for the theatre in the vain and futile hope that it will minimise either the embarrassment of the lack of visibility for the rest of the audience. c.f. hickling.

TRANTLEMORE (vb.)

To make a noise like a train crossing a set of points.