Roger Zelazny - If at Faust You Don't Succeed

"We never had any Greek heroes in before," he muttered. "Do you spirits have a certificate of reality?"

Odysseus showed the certificate of temporary reality which Dis had given them. The senior witch put down her branding iron and came over and looked at the certificate, and at the passes Belial had given the heroes.

She said, "It's all right, Tony, let them in."

In the corporealizing treatment that followed, the big question was how much heroic musculature to give them. The witches decided not to go in too heavy for bulk, since speed and agility were necessary in most demigodlike pursuits.

Several hours later, Achilles and Odysseus finished the beauty treatment that made them men again. They had used another spell from Odysseus' horsehide bag to take them back to Earth. They were resting under a tree now, not entirely sure of their exact whereabouts. But that didn't worry them. They had brought several days' provisions with them from the Witches' Kitchen. At least, it should have lasted for several days. But overcome by the novelty of corporeal food again, they had devoured it all for lunch.

After dreaming about food for all those centuries, they hadn't known when to stop.

"I'm full," Achilles said.

"Me too," Odysseus said, "This is one day in which the wise Odysseus didn't eat too wisely. The pickled herring was delicious, though, wasn't it?"

"I preferred the pate," Achilles said. "I think chopped liver is probably the greatest discovery of the world since our time. Remember how it used to be back in classical times? We always had to eat our liver grilled, with onions on the side. There wasn't even soy sauce in those days. Odysseus, how did we stand it?"

"We didn't know any better," Odysseus told him. "It would be hard to go back to the Trojan War and army provisions now, though, wouldn't it? Not that there's any chance."

"I suppose not," Achilles said. "That was a good war, wasn't it, Odysseus?"

"The best," Odysseus said. "There'll never be another like it. Remember when I defeated Ajax?"

"I never got to see it," Achilles said. "I was already dead then, remember? You were fighting him for my armor." "Yes, and I won," Odysseus said.

"It was a really great suit of armor," Achilles said wistfully. "With armor like that it was hard to lose.

Wearing it I killed Cycnus and Troilus. But my greatest hit, of course, the one I'll always be known for in the record books, was killing Hector." "I know all about it," Odysseus told him. "I was just reminiscing. It was later that Paris got me with that sneaky arrow shot… In the heel, yet! Oh, well." He sighed and rubbed his belly. "That pate… Odysseus, about these bodies we have now…"

"Yes?"

"They're supposed to be good ones, aren't they?"

"Yes, as I understand it, the best."

"Well, I've got this pain right down here."

He pointed to his abdomen.

"That's nothing," Odysseus said. "It's a little muscle pull, or, more likely, overeating."

"Are you sure it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me?"

"They said these were sound bodies. You've had muscle pulls before."

"I don't remember ever getting anything like this before. And my feet hurt."

"That's because we've been running. Feet get sore when you run on them. Even when you walk on them."

Achilles said, "Is this how it felt, back when we had bodies?"

"I suppose it is," Odysseus said. "But we made much less of it then. We were in training. We were accustomed to the joys and sorrows of having bodies." "I don't mean to complain," Achilles said. "I'm stuffed, but I'm hungry again, too. And there doesn't seem to be anything to drink around here."

"It's lucky there's not some chronicler around, listening to you," Odysseus said. "Imagine the great Achilles complaining about hunger and thirst!"

"I must have said and felt those things back when we were living."

"I don't remember you ever admitting you were hungry, Achilles. Mere food was beneath you. Your entire being was dedicated to glory." "It still is," Achilles said, standing up, wincing. "I think I'm developing a low back pain. Never mind, come on, let's go."

"I'm quite ready," Odysseus said. "But the thing is, I don't know where we should go."

Achilles looked around. He saw they were in a sunny meadow. There was a forest ahead, dark and verdant. Small birds flew overhead, singing their songs. A light breeze was blowing, and it had a fine clean scent about it. It was just past midday. The sun, now high in the sky, was golden and fine, warm but not hot. It was one of the better days either man could remember in a long time, and very unlike the typical days in Hades, where it is always on the verge of raining and the skies are the color of a really nasty bruise.

"It's my old friends, the Eumenides," Odysseus said, walking up to the ladies, with Achilles following him.

"Hello, Tisiphone, Alecto, hi, Megaera. You girls are a long way from dear old Hellas."

"Hello, Odysseus," Alecto said. She was tall, with gray hair neatly marcelled. Her nose was a commanding beak, such as might have looked well on the prow of a man-of-war. "We expected you to come this way."

"How could you have foreseen that?" Odysseus asked. "None but the witches know we are here."

"We are sisters to the witches," Alecto said. "When we visited them in the Witches' Kitchen, they told us you'd be passing through here, which is the Meadow of the Interlude. In this place only good influences penetrate. That is why my sisters and I are not in our usual horrific form. That'll come later. Right now we can take a few minutes off and be nice."

"I've always thought you were nice," Odysseus said. "And so has Achilles here. Come up here, Achilles.

Do you know these ladies?"

Achilles came up somewhat bashfully. "I believe I made their acquaintance briefly, once when I visited Orestes. Tell me, ladies, why do you search for Odysseus?"

"It was our surest way of finding you!" Tisiphone cackled.

Achilles turned pale. "And why did you wish to find me?"

Alecto said, "It is our best way to find Faust and the stolen lady whom we seek. I refer, of course, to Helen, your wife."

"Why do you want Helen?" Achilles asked.

"We have nothing against her personally. She's booty, and she has to go back to Hades immediately. We are the enforcement arm of the Classical Construct Placement Division. Azzie Elbub, the demon who took her from Hades, had no right to do so. We do not approve of such things. We are going to return her to you. Are you not glad?"

"Very glad," Achilles said, though now he was beginning to have his doubts. "It's what I'm here for myself."

"Good," Alecto said. "We weren't entirely sure what you were up to. Too many heroes manage at last to get out of Hades and then spend all their time lollygagging around the Earth, forgetting their duty and just enjoying having a body again."

It was a big day in London on that overcast but mild September 30, 1588 when the Rose Theater in Southwark reopened with the play Doctor Faustus, starring Edward Alleyn. Not only was this an important play, in view of its advance notices, but it was also the first play since the recent bout of plague had abated. This gave it a special panache, and ensured a full house. The people came early, before dawn even, long lines of them crawling from places even beyond the city, from Graveslines and Swiss Cottage and Hampton Court, from Shepherd's Mill and Reindeer's Head, from Baxby and Weltenshire, moving steadily in the steady rain. By ferry and by foot they crossed the Thames and London Bridge to await the trumpet that announced the beginning of the play.

Early in the day before the performance, Mack and Mephistopheles met in London at the Tavern of the Drowned Man.