Robert Heinlein - Time Enough For Love

"Tut, tut, dear," Lazarus said gently. "You did not answer. That was deliberate evasion. But you are not used to lying. Are you?"

"I am not used to lying, Lazarus."

I said almost roughly, "Minerva! Answer the Senior's first question."

"Lazarus, I have been and am now thinking about that designated portion of conversation."

Lazarus cocked an eyebrow at me. "Will you instruct her to answer one more question from me-truthfully?"

I was feeling quite shaken. Minerva surprises me, yes-but never with evasions. "Minerva, you will always answer any question put to you by the Senior fully, correctly, and responsively. Acknowledge program."

"New subprogram received, placed in permanent, keyed to the Senior, and acknowledged, Ira."

"Son, you didn't have to go that far-you'll be sorry. I asked for just one question."

"I intended to go that far, sir," I answered stiffly.

"On your head be it. Minerva, if Ira migrates without you, what will you do?"

She answered at once and quite tonelessly: "In such event I will self-program to destroy myself."

I was not just surprised, I was shocked. "Why?"

She answered softly, "Ira, I will not serve another master."

I suppose the silence that followed was not more than a few seconds. It seemed endless. I have not felt so nakedly helpless since my adolescence.

I found that the Senior was looking at me, shaking his head and looking sorrowful. "What did I tell you, Son? The same faults, the same virtues-but magnified. Tell her what to do."

"About what?" I answered stupidly-my personal "computer" was not working well. Minerva would do that?

"Come, come! She heard my offer-and thought about it, despite all programming. I'm sorry I made the offer in her presence...but not too sorry, as you were the one who decided to place a bug on me; it was not my idea. So speak up! Tell her to twin...or tell her not to-and try to tell her why you won't take her with you. If you can. I've never been able to find an answer to that one that a lady was willing to accept."

"Oh. Minerva, can you duplicate yourself inside a ship? The Senior's yacht, specifically. Perhaps you can get her characteristics and specifications from skyport records. Do you need her registration number?"

"I don't need her number, Ira. Sky Yacht 'Dora,' I have' all pertinent data to answer. I can. Am I instructed to do so?"

"Yes!" I told her, with a feeling of sudden relief.

"New overriding program activated and running, Ira! Thank you, Lazarus!"

"Wups! Slow down, Minerva-Dora is my ship. I left her asleep on purpose. Have you wakened her?"

"I did so, Lazarus. By self-program under new overriding program. But I can tell her to go back to sleep now; I have all data I need at the moment."

"You try telling Dora to go back to sleep and she'll tell you to buzz off. At least. At the very least. Minerva dear, you goofed. You have no authority to wake my ship."

"I am most sorry to disagree with the Senior, sir, but I do have authority to take all appropriate actions to carry out any program given to me by Mr. Chairman Pro Tem."

Lazarus frowned. "You mixed her up, Ira; now you straighten her out. I can't do anything with her."

I sighed. Minerva is rarely difficult-but when she is, she is even more pigheaded than flesh-and-blood. "Minerva-"

"Waiting orders, Ira."

"I am Chairman Pro Tem. You know what that means. The Senior is senior even to me. You will not touch anything of his without his permission. That applies to his yacht and to this suite and to anything else of his. You will carry out any program he gives you. If it conflicts with a program I have given you and you cannot resolve the conflict, you will consult me at once, waking me if I am asleep, interrupting whatever I may be doing. But you will not disobey him. This instruction super-overrides all other programs. Acknowledge."

"Acknowledged and running," she answered meekly. "I'm sorry Ira."

"My fault, Little Nag, not yours. I should not have given you a new controlling program without noting the Senior's prerogatives."

"No harm done, kids," Lazarus said. "I hope. Minerva, a word of advice, dear. You've never been a passenger in a ship."

"No, sir."

"You'll find it different from anything you've ever experienced. Here you give orders, in Ira's name. But passengers never give orders. Never. Remember it." Lazarus added to me, "Dora is a nice little ship, Ira, helpful and friendly. She can find her way through multiple space with just a hint, the roughest approximation-and still have all your meals on time. But she needs to feel appreciated. Pet her and tell her she's a good girl, and she'll wriggle like a puppy. But ignore her and she'll spill soup on you just to get your attention."

"I'll be careful," I agreed.

"And you be careful, Minerva-because you are going to need Dora's good will much more than she will need yours. You may know far more than she does-I'm sure you do. But you grew up to be chief bureaucrat of a planet while she grew up to be a ship...so what you know doesn't count-once you are aboard."

"I can learn." Minerva said plaintively. "I can self-program to learn astrogation and shiphandling at once, from the planetary library. I'm very bright."

Lazarus sighed again. "Ira, do you know the ancient Chinese ideogram for 'trouble'?"

I admitted that I did not.

"Don't bother to guess. It's 'Two Women Under One Roof.' We're going to have problems. Or you will. Minerva, you are not bright. You are stupid-when it comes to handling another woman. If you want to learn multiple-spaces astrogation-fine. But not from a library. Persuade Dora to teach you. But never forget that she is mistress in her own ship and don't try to show her how bright you are. Bear in mind instead that she likes attention."

"I will try, sir," Minerva answered him, with humility she rarely shows to me. "Dora wants to get your attention right now."

"Oh-oh! What sort of mood is she in?"

"Not a good mood, Lazarus. I have not admitted that I know where you are, as I am under a standing instruction not to discuss your affairs unnecessarily. But I did accept a message for you without guaranteeing that I could deliver it."

"Just right. Ira, the papers with my will include a program to wash me out of Dora's memories without touching her skills. But the trouble you started by grabbing me out of that flophouse has spread. She's awake with her memories intact, and she's probably scared. The message, Minerva."

"It's several thousand words, Lazarus, but the semantic content is short. Will you have that first?"

"Okay, the summary meaning."

"Dora wants to know where you are and when you are coming to see her. The rest could be described as onomatopoesy, semantically null but highly emotional-that is to say, cursing, pejoratives, and improbable insults in several languages-"

"Oh, boy."

"-including one language I do not know but from context and delivery I assume tentatively that it is more of the same, but stronger."

Lazarus covered his face with a hand. "Dora is cussing in Arabic again. Ira, this is worse than I thought."

"Sir, shall I replicate just the sounds not in my vocabularies? Or will you have the complete message?"

"No, no, no! Minerva, do you cuss?"

"I have never had reason to, Lazarus. But I was much impressed by Dora's command of the art."

"Don't blame Dora; she was subjected to a bad influence when she was very young. Me."

"May I have permission to file- her message in my permanents? So that I may cuss if needed?"

"You do not have permission. If Ira wants you to learn to cuss, he'll teach you himself. Minerva, can you arrange a telephone hookup from my ship to this suite? Ira, I might as well cope with it now; it won't get better."