Robert Heinlein - Time Enough For Love

"Oh, dear! Please don't tempt me. Woodrow might wake up and could climb over the back and get out, as easily as he climbed in and hid. He's not old enough to understand what we would be doing; nevertheless, I think his misunderstanding of it could upset him just as much. No, Theodore. What I meant is this: It's not late, it's just late for a little boy. While he sleeps we can ride around and talk for, oh, an hour. If you wish."

"We'll do that." He got rolling and added, "Maureen, although I want to take you back to that walnut tree, I think it's best that we don't. Best for you, I mean."

"But, darling! Why? Don't you think I want you?"

"I do think you want me. And God knows I want you. But despite your brave talk, I don't think you've ever done that. You would want to confess to your husband and if you did, it would make you both unhappy-and I don't want to make Captain Smith unhappy either; he's a good sort. Or maybe you could keep it to yourself-but it would prey on your mind. Because, while you love me-a little-you love him a great deal more and I am sure of that. So it's best. Isn't that so?"

Mrs. Smith was silent a long moment. Then she said, "Theodore, take me straight to that walnut tree."

"No."

"Why not, dear? I must show you that I do love you and that I am not afraid to let you have me."

"Maureen, you would do it; you have the courage to do anything. But you would be tense and worried, afraid that Woodie would wake up. And you do love Brian. All the sweetly intimate things you've told me kept saying that."

"But don't you think my heart is big enough for both of you?"

"I'm certain it is. You love ten people that I know of; I'm sure you can squeeze in one more. But I love you and do not want you to do anything that would make a wall between you and your husband. Or hurt you both through your trying to tear down that wall by confessing. Beloved, I want your love even more than I want your dear, sweet body."

Again she was silent before speaking: "Theodore, I must tell you things about my husband and me. Private things."

"You shouldn't."

"I should and I must-and I shall. But- Please, will you touch me while I talk? Don't say anything, just touch me closely and intimately and nakedly...while I strip myself naked with words. Please?"

Lazarus put his free hand on her thigh. She pulled up her skirts, opened her thighs, pushed his hand more firmly to her. Then she covered his hand with her skirt, and spoke in an even, steady voice: "Theodore beloved, I love Brian and Brian loves me and he knows exactly what I am. I could keep a secret forever to keep from hurting him, and he would do the same for me. I must tell you what he said to me before he went away to Plattsburg-and I must use 'bedroom words,' Theodore; polite words don't have the force it must have.

"The night before he left we were in bed and had just had each other, me still wrapped around him like a curling iron and him still deep inside me. 'Swivel Hips,' he said-a pet name he calls me in bed-'I didn't sell the Reo to tie you down. If you want to drive, buy a Ford; it's easier to learn on.' I told him I didn't want to drive; I would wait until he came home. He answered, 'All right, Hot Bottom'-and that's a pet name, too, and Brian means it most lovingly-'All right, Hot Bottom, but buy one if you wish; you may need a car while I'm gone.

"'But a car is a minor matter. Your father will be here and that's good-but don't let him boss you. He'll try, he can't help it, it's his nature. But you are as strong-willed as he is; stand up to him, he'll respect you for it.

"'Now to more important matters, Pretty Tits'-and I like that name, too, Theodore, even though they're not and don't stop me to say they are-'Pretty Tits, I may not have gotten you pregnant; you don't usually catch again this soon. If not, once I'm back from Plattsburg, we'll keep on trying'-and we did, Theodore, and I caught, as I told you.

"Brian went on, 'We both know we're going to get into this war or I wouldn't be going to Plattsburg. It may last a long time-that "million men springing to arms overnight" is hogwash. When we do, I'll be gone again, and you'll be lonely-and we both know what a firecracker you are. I'm not telling you to jump the fence again'-I said 'again,' Theodore!-'but if you do, I expect you to do it on purpose, eyes open and not to regret it afterwards. I have enormous respect for your taste and judgment; I know you won't cause a scandal or upset the children.'"

She paused, then went on: "Brian knows me, Theodore-I really am a firecracker, and I've never understood why some women don't like it. My own mother- Nine children and she told me on my wedding day that it was something women had to put up with for the privilege of having babies."

Mrs. Smith snorted. "'Put up 'with!' Theodore, I was not a virgin when Brian first had me. Nor had I let him think so; I told him the truth the day I met him and two minutes after he took my bloomers off he knew it through having me. Theodore, I broke my maidenhead three years before I met Brian-on purpose; I've never been a flirt-and told, not my mother, but my father, because I trusted him; we've always been close. Father didn't scold me, didn't even tell me not to do it again. He said he knew that I would do it again but hoped that I would take his advice and let him keep me out of trouble-and I have and it did.

"But that first time, when I came to him, scared and ready to cry-it had hurt, Theodore, and wasn't the thrill I had expected-that time Father just sighed and locked the door and had me get on his surgery table and examined me and assured me that I hadn't been damaged-and I felt much better!- and told me that I was as healthy a woman as he had ever examined and would have babies with no trouble-and that made me feel smug-and Father was right; I have babies easily and don't yell-or not much. Not the way Mother used to.

"After that, Father examined me from time to time. Doctors don't ordinarily treat their female relatives, not for female things. But Father was the only doctor I dared tell. So Father helped me with my problems and got me all over any shyness about being looked at there or anywhere. Not that I was ever too shy; he told me that sort of modesty was dadratted nonsense-when Mother was telling me the exact opposite. I believed him, didn't believe her.

"But I was telling you what Brian said to me in bed that night. Brian added, 'I want you to promise one thing, Pussycat. If you find that you haven't kept your legs crossed, will you keep it to yourself until this war is over? I will do the same if I have something to confess-and I might! Let's not worry each other more than we have to until the Kaiser is taken care of. Then when I come home, I'll take you to the Ozarks-leave the children home with someone; just us two- and. you won't see anything but the ceiling while we get caught up, and also catch up on anything we need to talk about. Is it a bargain, my darling?'

"I promised, Theodore. I didn't promise not to jump the fence; he wouldn't let me promise that. I promised to be careful-and to save any confessing until the war was won. I wanted to promise that much because he might not come back!"

Her voice had been steady up to the last. Then it broke, and he realized that she was crying. He started to remove his hand and to pull over to the side of the road. Mrs. Smith grabbed his hand, pushed it more firmly back between her thighs, and said, "No, no, do touch me and don't stop the car! Or I might rape you. I don't know why it makes me so passionate when I let myself remember that Brian might not come back from the war. But it does. I've been that way ever since the day we declared war...and always have to look serene and calm and unworried. For the children. For Brian. I haven't let Brian see me cry, Theodore. You have just now- I suddenly could not help it. But I would rather you told Brian that I tried to seduce you than have you tell him that I cried through fear that he might not come back!