Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Waste of time," said Jake.

"I'd like to try an experiment," Hilda went on. "Write down the twenty stories you have enjoyed most. Or groups of related stories-the Oz books would count as one, so would the Edgar Rice Burroughs Mars series, and so would the four voyages of 'Gulliver's Travels.' Make them stories you reread for pleasure when you are too tired to tackle a new book."

"Sharpie, is it cheating to ask how you mean to use this?"

"No, Zebbie. If my theory is right, the next time we rotate and find ourselves near a planet, it will turn out to be the scene of a story or group of stories that appears on all four lists. We'll arrive high enough that Jacob will have plenty of time to level off but close enough that we can ground. But we will never rotate into a mass or any danger that we can't handle. This isn't chance; we haven't been dealing with chance. The Land of Oz surprised me. Lilliput didn't surprise me at all; I expected it. Or at least a place that all of us know through Stories."

"How about those empty universes?" I demanded.

"Maybe they are places about which stories will be written or maybe stories have already been told but aren't favorites of us four, so we don't emerge close to their scenes. But those are guesses. So far as my theory is concerned, such Universes are 'null'-they don't count one way or the other. We find our universes."

"Sharpie, you have just invented pantheistic multiperson solipsism. I didn't think it was mathematically possible."

Zeb, anything is mathematically possible."

Thanks, Jacob. Zebbie, 'solipsism' is a buzz word. I'm saying that we've

stumbled onto 'The Door in the Wall,' the one that leads to the Land of Heart's Desire. I don't know how and have no use for fancy rationalizations. I see a pattern; I'm not trying to explain it. It just is."

"How does that hollow world fit your theory?"

"Well, Deety called it Pellucidar-"

"It was!"

"-but I've read dozens of stories about worlds underground; I'll bet all of us have. Jules Verne, S. Fowler Wright, H. G. Wells, C. L. Moore, Lovecraft- all the great masters of fantasy have taken a crack at it. Please, can we stop talking? I want all four lists before we rotate again."

Jake changed attitude so that Lilliput's planet was dead ahead and told Gay to hold it there. The planet looked very small, as if we were a million kilometers out-reasonable, I decided, and wrote down "The Dorsai yarns."

At last Deety announced, "I'm through, Aunt Hillbilly."

Soon after, her father handed Sharpie his list. "Don't count those I've lined out, dear-I had trouble holding it down."

"Twenty' is arbitrary, Jacob. I can leave your extras in."

"No, dear, the four I eliminated do not stand as high as the twenty I retained."

After some pencil-chewing I announced, "Sharpie, I'm stuck at seventeen. Got a baker's dozen more in mind, but no choice."

"Seventeen will do, Zebbie-if they are your prime favorites."

"They are."

Hilda accepted my list, ran her eye down it. "A psychoanalyst would have a wonderful time with these."

"Wait a half! Sharpie, if you're going to let a shrink see those lists, I want mine back."

"Zebbie darling, I wouldn't do that to you." She added, "I need a few minutes to tally."

I glanced at Lilliput. "Need help?"

"No. I've tallied a 'one' after all on my list. I've checked Deety's against mine and tallied a 'two' where they match, and added to the bottom of my list, with one vote tallied against each, those she picked but I didn't. I'm doing the same with Jacob's list, tallying three's and two's and one's. Then Zebbie and we'll wind up with a four-vote list-unanimous-and a list with three each-~ and a list with two, and with one."

Sharpie kept busy some minutes, then took a fresh sheet, made a list, folded~ it. "This should be in a sealed envelope to establish my reputation as a for-~ tuneteller. Zebbie, there are nine soi-disant fictional universes listed. Any close approach we make by rotation should be near one of them."

I said, "You included Pellucidar?"

"Pellucidar got only two votes. I stick to my theory that the inside-out world~ is a composite of underground fantasies. But our vote identified that third universe-the blinding lights, the one that worried you about radiation."

"The hell you say!"

"I think it did. Four votes for Doctor Isaac Asimov's 'Nightfall.' I expected~

his Foundation stories to make it but they got only three votes. Too bad, because his library planet might be able to tell us what those vermin are, where they come from-and how to beat them."

"My fault, Aunt Hillbilly. Pop told me I should read the Foundation series....ut I never did."

"Sharpie," I said, "we can put you down in New York in five minutes. The Good Doctor is getting on in years-turns out less than a million words a year now-but still likes pretty girls. He must know whatever is in the Galactic Library; he invented it. So telephone him. Better yet, sit on his lap. Cry if necessary."

"Zebbie, if there is one place I'm certain is loaded with 'Black Hat' vermin, it's New York City! You sit on his lap!"

"Not me. If we learn how to delouse our home planet, I'll work on a way to spread the word. But I'm number one on their death list."

"No, Jacob is."

"No, Sharpie. Jake and Deety are dead, you are kidnapped, and I'm marked down to be 'terminated with extreme prejudice.' But I'll risk grounding on the Hudson River VTOL flat long enough for you to visit the Good Doctor. Your husband can escort you; I'm going to hide in the bathroom. I figure that is actually in Oz and therefore safe."

"Go lay an egg!"

"Sharpie dear, none of us is going to Earth-zero. Hand that list to Deety; she won't peek. Captain, shall we rotate? The Science Officer has me half convinced that we can get away with it; let's do it before I lose my nerve. Fourth and last universe in the second group, isn't it?" I asked Sharpie.

"Yes, Zebbie."

"Anybody as chicken as I am, speak up! ....sn't anybody going to get us outof this!

Execute!"

"-all my dreams do come true!"

Zeb:

Gay Deceiver was right side up five hundred meters above a sunlit, gentle countryside. Jake set her to cruise in a circle. I asked, "Are we back in Oz? Sharpie, check your setting."

"Not Oz, Zebbie. I've stuck to schedule."

"Okay. Does your magic list tell you where we are?"

"If it's one of the nine, then it's-" Hilda wrote a word on a sheet, folded it, handed it to me. "Stick this in your pocket."

I tucked it away. "Jake, bounce us, then range-and-target to ground us in that meadow. We'll test the air when we're down. Safer."

Jake zeroed Gay in; she grounded. "Zeb," he said fretfully, "how can I tell what juice we have? The gauge still reads 'Capacity."

"Let me think about it."

"All right. Has the Captain worked out that new scram?"

'I think so, Pop. Take G.D. straight up a hundred thousand klicks, but do it in two words, in total darkness, or with eyes dazzled, or anything. As long

as anyone can get out two syllables we'll zip far enough away from trouble that we'll have time to work out what to do next."

"Good enough. Can you program it before I open a door?"

"I think so, Zebadiah. If she's asleep, GD. will wake up and do it at once."

"Okay, will you program it? Hilda, set up the same thing on your dials as a back-up. Meanwhile I'm going to give the plumbing a field test. Don't touch the doors till I get back."

I returned in a few minutes. "Our magic space warp is still with us-don't ask me why or I'll scream. New program inserted?"

"Yes, Zebadiah. On tell-me-three-times and protected against execution without the doors being closed and locked. I've written down the magic words. Here." Deety handed me a scrap of paper.