Robert Heinlein: The Number of the Beast

"Display map, please." We were midway over northern Nevada. "Cancel routing and cruise random. Report nearest county seat."

"Winnemucca and Elko are equidistant to one percent. Elko closer by ETA as I am now vectored eleven degrees north of Elko bearing."

"Deety, would you like to be married in Elko?"

"Zebadiah, I would love to be married in Elko."

"Elko it is, but loving may have to wait. Gay, vector for Elko and ground us, normal private cruising speed. Report ETA in elapsed minutes."

"Roger Wilco, Elko. Nine minutes seventeen seconds."

Hilda said soothingly, "There, there, Jake darling; Mama is here"-then added in her top sergeant voice, "Quit stalling, Zebbie! What 'Thing' in which basement?"

"Sharpie, you're nosy. It belonged to Pop and now it's destroyed and that's all you need to know."

"Oh, but it wasn't," Doctor Burroughs said. "Zeb is speaking of my continua craft, Hilda. It's safe. Not in Logan."

"What in the Name of the Dog is a 'continua craft'?"

"Pop means," Deety explained, "his time machine."

"Then why didn't he say so? Everybody savvies 'Time Machine.' George Pal's 'Time Machine'-a classic goodie. I've caught it on the late-late-early show more than once."

"Sharpie," I asked, "can you read?"

"Certainly I can read! 'Run, Spot, run, See Spot run.' Smarty."

"Have you ever heard of H. G. Wells?"

"Heard of him? I've had him."

"You are a boastful old tart, but not that old. When Mr. Wells died, you were still a virgin."

"Slanderer! Hit him, Jake-he insulted me."

"Zeb didn't mean to insult you, I feel sure. Deety won't permit me to hit people, even when they need it."

"We'll change that."

"Second retrieval complete," Gay Deceiver reported. "Holding."

"Report second retrieval, please."

"Reuters, Singapore. The Marston expedition in Sumatra is still unreported according to authorities at Palembang. The party is thirteen days overdue. Besides Professor Marston and native guides and assistants, the party included Doctor Z.E. Carter, Doctor Cecil Yang, and Mr. Giles Smythe-Belisha. The Minister of Tourism and Culture stated that the search will be pursued assiduously. End of retrieval."

Poor Ed. We had never been close but he had never caused me grief. I hoped that he was shacked up with something soft and sultry-rather than losing his head to a jungle machete, which seemed more likely. "Pop, a few minutes ago I said that somebody doesn't like you. I now suspect that somebody doesn't like n-dimensional geometers."

"It would seem so, Zeb. I do hope your cousin is safe-a most brilliant mind! He would be a great loss to all mankind."

(And to himself, I added mentally. And me, since family duty required that I do something about it. When what I had in mind was a honeymoon.) "Gay."

"Here, Zeb."

"Addendum. Third news retrieval program. Use all parameters second program. Add Sumatra to area. Add all proper names and titles found in second retrieval. Run until canceled. Place retrievals in permanent memory. Report new items soonest. Start."

"Running, Boss."

"You're a good girl, Gay."

"Thank you, Zeb. Grounding Elko two minutes seven seconds."

Deety squeezed my hand harder. "Pop, as soon as I'm legally Mrs. John Carter I think we should all go to Snug Harbor."

"Eh? Obviously."

"You, too, Aunt Hilda. It might not be safe for you to go home."

"Change in plans, dear. It's going to be a double wedding. Jake. Me."

Deety looked alert but not displeased. "Pop?"

"Hilda has at last consented to marry me, dear."

"Rats," said Sharpie. "Jake has never asked me in the past and didn't this time; I simply told him. Hit him with it while he was upset over losing his comic books and unable to defend himself. It's necessary, Deety-I promised Jane I would take care of Jake and I have-through you, up to now. But from here on you'll be taking care of Zebbie, keeping him out of trouble, wiping his nose... so I've got to hogtie Jake into marriage to keep my promise to Jane. Instead of sneaking into his bed from time to time as in the past."

"Why, Hilda dear, you have never been in my bed!"

"Don't shame me in front of the children, Jake. I gave you a test run before I let Jane marry you and you don't dare deny it."

Jake shrugged helplessly. "As you wish, dear Hilda."

"Aunt Hilda....o you love Pop?" -

"Would I marry him if I didn't? I could carry out my promise to Jane more simply by having him committed to a shrink factory. Deety, I've loved Jake longer than you have. Much! But he loved Jane... which shows that he is basically rational despite his weird ways. I shan't try to change him, Deety; I'm simply going to see to it that he wears his overshoes and takes his vitamins-as you've been doing. I'll still be 'Aunt Hilda,' not 'Mother.' Jane was and is your mother."

"Thank you, Aunt Hilda. I thought I was happy as a woman can be, getting Zebadiah. But you've made me still happier. No worries."

(I had worries. Blokes with Black Hats and no faces. But I didn't say so, as Deety was snuggling closer and assuring me that it was all right because Aunt Hilda wouldn't fib about loving Pop... but I should ignore that guff about her sneaking into Pop's bed-on which I had no opinion and less interest.) "Deety, where and what is 'Snug Harbor'?"

"It's... a nowhere place. A hideout. Land Pop leased from the government when he decided to build his time twister instead of just writing equations. But we may have to wait for daylight. Unless- Can Gay Deceiver home on a given latitude and longitude?"

"She certainly can! Precisely."

"Then it's all right. I can give it to you in degrees, minutes, and fractions of a second."

"Grounding," Gay warned us.

The Elko County Clerk did not object to getting out of bed and seemed pleased with the century note I slipped him. The County Judge was just as accommodating and pocketed her honorarium without glancing at it. I stammered but managed to say, "I, Zebadiah John, take thee, Dejah Thoris-" Deety went through it as solemnly and perfectly as if she had rehearsed it... while Hilda sniffled throughout.

A good thing that Gay can home on a pin point; I was in no shape to drive even in daylight. I had her plan her route, too, a dogleg for minimum radar and no coverage at all for the last hundred-odd kilometers to this place in the Arizona Strip north of the Grand Canyon. But I had her hover before grounding-I being scared silly until I was certain there was not a third fire there.

A cabin, fireproof, with underground parking for Gay-I relaxed.

We split a bottle of chablis. Pop seemed about to head for the basement. Sharpie tromped on it and Deety ignored it.

I carried Deety over the threshold into her bedroom, put her gently down, faced her. "Dejah Thoris-"

"Yes, John Carter?"

"I did not have time to buy you a wedding present-"

"I need no present from my captain."

"Hear me out, my princess. My Uncle Zamir did not have as fine a collection as your father had... but may I gift you with a complete set of Clayton Astoundings-"

She suddenly smiled.

"-and first editions of the first six Oz books, quite worn but with the original color plates? And a first in almost mint condition of 'A Princess of Mars'?"

The smile became a grin and she looked nine years old. 'Yes!"

"Would your father accept a complete set of Weird Tales?"

"Would he! Northwest Smithand Jirel of Joiry? I'm going to borrow them- or he can't look at my Oz books. I'm stubborn, I am. And selfish. And mean!"

"'Stubborn' stipulated. The others denied."

Deety stuck out her tongue. "You'll find out." Suddenly her face was solemn. "But I sorrow, my prince, that I have no present for my husband."

"But you haveI"

"I do?"