Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Whereas you aren't," Hilda said sweetly.

"Quiet, dear." I turned toward Deety. "Deety, do you want to be released from our engagement? I did try to tell you that you had trapped the wrong bird."

"Zebadiah-"

"Yes, Deety?"

"I intend to marry you before this night is over. But you haven't kissed me. I want to be kissed."

I unfastened my seat belt, started to unfasten hers, found that she had done so.

Deety kisses even better than she tangos.

During a break for oxygen, I asked her in a whisper: "Deety, what do your initials stand for?"

"Well... please don't laugh."

"I won't. But I have to know them for the ceremony."

"I know. All right, Dee Tee stands for Dejah Thoris."

Dejah Thoris- Dejah Thoris Burroughs- Dejah Thoris Carter! I cracked up.

I got it under control after two whoops. Too many. Deety said sadly, "You said you wouldn't laugh."

"Deety darling, I wasn't laughing at your name; I was laughing at mine."

"I don't think 'Zebadiah' is a funny name. I like it."

"So do I. It keeps me from being mixed up with the endless Bobs and Eds and Toms. But I didn't tell my middle name. What's a funny name starting with 'J'?"

"I won't guess."

"Let me lead up to it. I was born near the campus of the university Thomas Jefferson founded. The day I graduated from college I was commissioned a second looie Aerospace Reserve. I've been promoted twice. My middle initial stands for 'John."

It took not quite a second for her to add it up. "Captain... John... Carter-of Virginia."

"A clean-limbed fighting man," I agreed. "Kaor, Dejah Thoris. At your service, my princess. Now and forever!"

"Kaor, Captain John Carter. Helium is proud to accept."

We fell on each other's shoulders, howling. After a bit the howling died down and turned into another kiss.

When we came up for air, Hilda tapped me on a shoulder. "Would you let us in on the joke?"

"Do we tell her, Deety?"

"I'm not sure. Aunt Hilda talks."

"Oh, nonsense! I know your full name and I've never told anyone-I held you at your christening. You were wet, too. At both ends. Now give!"

"All right. We don't have to get married-we already are. For years. More than a century."

Pop spoke up. "Eh? What's this?" I explained to him. He looked thoughtful, then nodded. "Logical." He went back to figuring he was doing in a notebook, then looked up. "Your cousin Zebulon- Is he on the telephone?"

"Probably not but he lives at the New Raffles."

"Excellent. I'll try both the hotel and the university. Doctor-Son-Zeb, would you be so kind as to place the call? My comcredit code is Nero Aleph eight zero one dash seven five two dash three nine three two Zed Star Zed." (Zed Star Zed credit rating-I was not going to have to support my prospective father-in-law.)

Deety cut in. "Pop, you must not call Professor Carter-Zebulon Carter- at this hour."

"But, my dear daughter, it is not late at night in-"

"Of course it isn't; I can count. You want a favor from him, so don't interrupt his after-lunch nap. 'Mad dogs and Englishmen."

"It isn't noon in Singapore; it's-"

"-siesta time, even hotter than noon. So wait."

"Deety is right, Pop," I interrupted, "but for the wrong reasons. It doesn't seem to be a matter of life and death to call him this minute. Whereas it might be a matter of life and death-ours, I mean-to make a call from this car... especially with your credit code. Until we find out who the Boys in the Black Hats are, I advise that you place calls from the ground and from public phones that you can feed with newdollars instead of your code. Say a phone in Peoria. Or Paducah. Can it wait?"

'~Since you put it that way, sir-yes, it can wait. Although I have trouble believing that anyone wishes to kill me."

"Available data indicate it."

"Agreed. But I have not yet grasped it emotionally."

"Takes a baseball bat," said Hilda. "I had to sit on him while Jane proposed to him."

"Why, Hilda my dear, that is utterly unfactual. I wrote my late beloved a polite note saying-"

I let them argue while, I tried to add to available data. "Gay Deceiver."

"Yes, Boss?"

"News, dear."

"Ready, Boss."

"Retrieval parameters. Time-since twenty-one hundred. Area-California, Nevada, Utah. Persons-your kindly boss, dear. Doctor Jacob Burroughs, Doctor D. T. Burroughs, Miz Hilda Corners-" I hesitated. "Professor Neil O'Heret Brain." I felt silly adding "Brainy"-but there had been a row between Pop and him, and years earlier my best teacher had said, "Never neglect the socalled 'trivial' roots of an equation," and had pointed out that two Nobel prizes had derived from "trivial" roots.

"Parameters complete, Boss~"

Doctor Burroughs touched my shoulder. "Can your computer check the news if any on your cousin?"

"Mmm, maybe. She stores sixty million bytes, then wipes last-in-last-out everything not placed on permanent. But her news storage is weighted sixtyforty in favor of North America. I'll try. Smart Girl."

"Holding, Boss."

"Addendum. First retrieve by parameters given. Then retrieve by new program. Time-backwards from now to wipe time. Area-Singapore. Person- Zebulon Edward Carter aka Ed Carter aka Doctor Z. E. Carter aka Professor Z. E. Carter aka Professor or Doctor Carter of Raffles University."

"Two retrieval programs in succession. Got it, Zeb."

"You're a smart girl, Gay."

"Boss, I bet you tell that to all the girls. Over."

"Roger, Gay. Execute!"

"AP San Francisco. A mysterious explosion disturbed the academic quiet of-" A story ending with the usual claim about an arrest being expected "momentarily" settled several points: All of us were believed dead. Our village top cop claimed to have a theory but was keeping it mum-meaning that he knew even less than we did. Since we were reported as "presumed dead" and since the news said nothing about an illegal lift-off and other capers that annoy sky cops, I assumed tentatively that police radar had not been looking at us until after we had become just one more blip behaving legally. The lack of mention of the absence of Gay Deceiver did not surprise me, as I had roaded in and had been last or nearly last to park-and could have arrived by taxi, public capsule, or on foot. Doctor Brain was not mentioned, nothing about the row. Guests had been questioned and released. Five cars parked near the, explosion had been damaged.

"Nevada-null retrieval. Utah-UPI Salt Lake City. A fire near Utah State, University campus in Logan destroyed-" "Blokes in Black Hats" again and

Deety and her Pop were dead twice over, as they were presumed to have been overcome by smoke, unable to escape. No one else hurt or missing. Fire attributed to faulty wiring. "End of first retrieval, Zeb. Second retrieval starting." Gay shut up.

I said soberly, "Pop, somebody doesn't like you." He groaned, "Gone! All gone!"

"No copies of your papers elsewhere? And your... gadget?"

"Eh? No, no!-much worse! My irreplaceable collection of pulp magazines. Weird Tales, Argosy, All-Story, the early Gernsbachs, The Shadow, Black Mask-Ooooooh!"

"Pop really does feel bad," Deety whispered, "and I could manage tears myself. I taught myself to read from that collection. War Aces, Air Wonder, the complete Clayton Astoundings- It was appraised at two hundred and thirteen thousand newdollars. Grandpop started it, Pop continued it-I grew up reading them."

"I'm sorry, Deety." I hugged her. "They should have been microfiched."

"They were. But that's not having the magazines in your hands."

"I agree. Uh, how about the... thing in the basement?"

"What 'Thing in the Basement'?" demanded Sharpie. "Zebbie, you sound like H. P. Lovecraft,"

"Later, Sharpie. Comfort Jake; we're busy. Gay!"

"Here, Zeb. Where's the riot?"