Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

The world wobbled-

Deety:

We spent our first hour on "Barsoom" getting oriented. Aunt Hilda stepped outside, then stayed out. "Isn't cold," she told us. "Going to be hot later."

"Watch where you step!" my husband warned her. "Might be snakes or anything." He hurried after her-and went head over heels.

Zebadiah was not hurt; the ground was padded, a greenish-yellow mat somewhat like "ice plant" but looking more like clover. He got up carefully, then swayed as if walking on a rubber mattress. "I don't understand it," he complained. "This gravity ought to be twice that of Luna. But I feel lighter."

Aunt Hillbilly sat down on the turf. "On the Moon you were carrying pressure suit and tanks and equipment." She unfastened her shoes. "Here you aren't."

"Yeah, so I was," agreed my husband. "What are you doing?"

"Taking off my shoes. When were you on the Moon? Cap'n Zebbie, you're a fraud."

"Don't take off your shoes! You don't know what's in this grass."

The Hillbilly stopped, one shoe off. "If they bite me, I bite 'em back. Captain, in Gay Deceiver you are absolute boss. But doesn't your crew have any free will? I'll play it either way: free citizen... or your thrall who dassn't even take off a shoe without permission. Just tell me."

"If you try to make all decisions, all the time, you're going to get as hysterical as a hen raising ducklings. Even Deety can be notional. But I won't even pee without permission. Shall I put this back on? Or take the other off?"

"Aunt Hilda, quit teasing my husband!" (I was annoyed!)

"Dejah Thoris, I am not teasing your husband; I am asking our captain for instructions."

Zebadiah sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd stayed in Australia."

I said, "Is it all right for Pop and me to come out?"

"Oh. Certainly. Watch your step; it's tricky."

I jumped down, then jumped high and wide, with entrechats as I floated- landed sur les pointes. "Oh, boy! What a wonderful place for ballet!" I added, "Shouldn't do that on a full bladder. Aunt Hilda, let's see if that powder room is unoccupied."

"I was about to, dear, but I must get a ruling from our captain."

"You're teasing him."

"No, Deety; Hilda is right; doctrine has to be clear. Jake? How about taking charge on the ground?"

"No, Captain. Druther be a Balkan general, given my druthers."

Aunt Hilda stood up, shoe in hand, reached high with her other hand, patted my husband's cheek. "Zebbie, you are a dear. You worry about us all-me especially, because you think I'm a featherhead. Remember how we did at Snug Harbor? Each one did what she could do best and there was no friction. If that worked there, it ought to work here."

"Well... all right. But will you gals please be careful?"

"We'll be careful. How's your E.S.P.? Any feeling?"

Zebadiah wrinkled his forehead. "No. But I don't get advance warning. Just barely enough."

"Just barely' is enough. Before we had to leave, you were about to program Gay to listen at high gain. Would that change 'just barely' to 'ample'?"

"Yes! Sharpie, I'll put you in charge, on the ground."

"In your hat, Buster. Ole Massa done freed us slaves. Zebbie, the quicker you quit dodging, the sooner you get those hot cakes. Spread my cape down and put the hot plate on the step."

We ate breakfast in basic Barsoomian dress: skin. Aunt Hilda pointed out that laundries seemed scarce, and the car's water tanks had to be saved for drinking and cooking. "Deety, I have just this dress you gave me; I'll air it and let the wrinkles hang out. Panties, too. An air bath is better than no bath. I know you'll divvy with me but you are no closer to a laundry than I am."

My jump suit joined Hilda's dress. "Aunt Hilda, you could skip bathing a week. Me, right after a bath I have a body odor but not too bad. In twentyfour hours I'm whiff. Forty-eight and I smell like a skunk. An air bath may help."

The same reasoning caused our men to spread their used clothing on the port wing, and caused Zebadiah to pick up Hilda's cape. "Sharpie, you can't get fur Hollanderized in this universe. Jake, you stowed some tarps?"

After dishes were "washed" (scoured with turf, placed in the sun) we were sleepy. Zebadiah wanted us to sleep inside, doors locked. Aunt Hilda and I wanted to nap on a tarpaulin in the shade of the car. I pointed out that moving rear seats aft in refitting had made it impossible to recline them.

Zebadiah offered to give up his seat to either of us women. I snapped, "Don't be silly, dear! You barely fit into a rear seat and it brings your knees so far forward that the seat in front can't be reclined."

Pop intervened. "Hold it! Daughter, I'm disappointed-snapping at your husband. But, Zeb, we've got to rest. If I sleep sitting up, I get swollen ankles, half crippled, not good for much."

"I was trying to keep us safe," Zebadiah said plaintively.

"I know, Son; you've been doing so-and a smart job, or we all would be dead three times over. Deety knows it, I know it, Hilda knows it-"

"I sure do, Zebbie!"

"My Captain, I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"We'll need you later. Flesh has its limits-even yours. If necessary, we would bed you down and stand guard over you-"

"No!"

"We sure would, Zebbie!"

"We will, my Captain."

"But I doubt that it's necessary. When we sat on the ground to eat, did anyone get chigger bites or anything?"

My husband shook his head.

"Not me," Aunt Hilda agreed.

I added, "I saw some little beasties but they didn't bother me."

"~pparently," Pop went on, "they don't like our taste. A ferocious-looking dingus sniffed at my ankle-but it scurried away. Zeb, Gay can hear better than we can?"

"Oh, much better!"

"Can her radar be programmed to warn us?"

Zebadiah looked thoughtful. "Uh....nti-collision alarm would wake the dead. If I pulled it in to minimum range, then- No, the display would be cluttered with 'grass.' We're on the ground. False returns."

I said, "Subtract static display, Zebadiah."

"Eh? How, Deety?"

"Gay can do it. Shall I try?"

"Deety, if you switch on radar, we have to sleep inside. Microwaves cook your brains."

"I know, sir. Gay has sidelookers, eyes fore and aft, belly, and umbrella- has she not?"

"Yes. That's why-"

"Switch off her belly eye. Can sidelookers hurt us if we sleep under her?" His eyes widened. "Astrogator, you know more about my car than I do. I'd better sign her over to you."

"My Captain, you have already endowed me with all your worldly goods. I don't know more about Gay; I know more about programming."

We made a bed under the car by opening Zebadiah's sleeping bag out flat, a tarpaulin on each side. Aunt Hilda dug out sheets: "In case anyone gets chilly."

"Unlikely," Pop told her. "Hot now, not a cloud and no breeze."

"Keep it by you, dearest. Here's one for Zebbie." She dropped two more on the sleeping bag, lay down on it. "Down flat, gentlemen"-waited for them to comply, then called to me: 'Deety! Everybody's down."

From inside I called back, 'Right with you!"-then said, "Hello, Gay."

"Hi, Deety!"

"Retrieve newest program. Execute."

Five scopes lighted, faded to dimness; the belly eye remained blank. I told her, "You're a good girl, Gay."

"I like you, too, Deety. Over."

"Roger and out, sister." I scrunched down, got at the stowage under the instrument board, pulled out padding and removed saber and sword, each with belt. These I placed at the door by a pie tin used at breakfast. I slithered head first out the door, turned without rising, got swords and pie plate, and crawled toward the pallet, left arm cluttered with hardware.

I stopped. "Your sword, Captain."

"Deety! Do I need a sword to nap?"

"No, sir. I shall sleep soundly knowing that my captain has his sword."