Robert Heinlein - The Number of the Beast

"Something more urgent than getting our wives to safety?" my Jacob asked-and I felt humble and proud.

"Something more urgent.' Jake, I've bounced her around not only to test but to make it hard to track us. Because we must break radio silence. To warn our fellow humans."

"Oh. Yes, Captain. My apologies, sir. I sometimes forget the broader picture."

"Don't we all! I've wanted to run and hide ever since this rumpus started. But that took preparation and the delay gave me time to think. Point number one: We don't know how to fight these critters so we must take cover. Point number two: We are duty-bound to tell the world what we know about aliens. While that little isn't much-we've stayed alive by the skin of our teeth-if five billion people are watching for them, they can be caught. I hope."

"Captain," asked Deety, "may I speak?"

"Of course! Anyone with ideas about how to cope with these monsters must speak."

"I'm sorry but I don't have such ideas. You must warn the world, sir-of course! But you won't be believed."

"I'm afraid you're right, Deety. But they don't have to believe me. That monster in the garage speaks for itself. I'm going to call rangers-real rangers!-to pick it up."

I said, "So that was why you told me just to leave it! I thought it was lack of time."

"Both, Hilda. We didn't have time to sack that cadaver and store it in the freezer room. But, if I can get rangers-real rangers-to that garage before 'Black Hats' get there, that corpse tells its own story: an undeniable alien lying in its goo on a ranger's uniform that has been cut away from it. Not a 'close encounter' UFO that can be explained away, but a creature more startling than the duckbill platypus ever was. But we have to hook it in with other factors to show them what to look for. Your booby-trapped car, an arson case in Logan, Professor Brain's convenient disappearance, my cousin's death in Sumatra-and your six-dimensional non-Euclidean geometry."

I said, "Excuse me, gentlemen. Can't we move somewhere away from right over our cabin before you break silence? I'm jumpy-'Black Hats' are hunting us.',

"You're right, Sharpie; I'm about to move us. The story isn't long-all but the math-so I taped a summary while the rest of you were getting ready. Gay will speed-zip it, a hundred to one." Zebbie reached for the controls. "All secure?"

"Captain Zebadiah!"

"Trouble, Princess?"

"May I attempt a novel program? It may save time."

"Programming is your pidgin. Certainly."

"Hello, Gay."

"Hi, Deety!"

"Retrieve last program. Report execute code."

"Reporting, Deety. 'Gay Deceiver, take us home!"

"Negative erase permanent program controlled by execute-code Gay Deceiver take us home. Report confirm."

"Confirmation report. Permanent program execute-coded Gay Deceiver take us home negative erase. I tell you three times."

"Deety," said Zeb, "a neg scrub to Gay tells her to place item in perms three places. Redundancy safety factor."

"Don't bother me, dear! She and I sling the same lingo. Hello, Gay."

"Hello, Deety!"

"Analyze latest program execute-coded Gay Deceiver take us home. Report."

"Analysis complete."

"Invert analysis."

"Null program."

Deety sighed. "Typing a program is easier. New program."

"Waiting, Deety."

"Execute-code new permanent program. Gay Deceiver, countermarch! At new execute..code, repeat reversed in real time latest sequence inertials transitions translations rotations before last use of program execute-code Gay Deceiver take us home."

"New permanent program accepted."

"Gay, I tell you three times."

"Deety, I hear you three times."

"Gay Deceiver-countermarch!"

Instantly we were over the Grand Canyon, cruising south. I saw Zeb reach for the manual controls. "Deety, that was slick."

"I didn't save time, sir-I goofed. Gay, you're a smart girl."

"Deety, don't make me blush."

"You're both smart girls," said Captain Zebbie. "If anyone had us on radar, he must think he's getting cataracts. Vice versa, if anyone picked us up here, he's wondering how we popped up. Smart dodge, dear. You've got Gay Deceiver so deceptive that nobody can home on us. We'll be elsewhere."

"Yes-but I had something else in mind, too, my Captain."

"Princess, I like your ideas. Spill it."

"Suppose we used that homing preprogram and went from frying pan into fire. It might be useful to have a preprogram that would take us back into the frying pan, then do something else quickly. Should I try to think up a third escape-maneuver preprogram?"

"Sure-but discuss it with the court magician, your esteemed father-not me. I'm just a sky jockey."

"Zebadiah, I will not listen to you disparage yours-"

"Deety! Lifeboat rules. Jake, are your professional papers aboard? Both theoretical and drawings?"

"Why, no, Zeb-Captain. Too bulky. Microfilms I brought. Originals are in the basement vault. Have I erred?"

"Not a bit! Is there any geometer who gave your published paper on this six-way system a friendly reception?"

"Captain, there aren't more than a handful of geometers capable ofjudging my postulate system without long and intensive study. It's too unorthodox. Your late cousin was one-a truly brilliant mind! Uh.... now suspect that Doctor Brain understood it and sabotaged it for his own purposes."

"Jake, is there anyone friendly to you and able to understand the stuff in your vault? I'm trying to figure out how to warn our fellow humans. A fantastic story of apparently unrelated incidents is not enough. Not even with the corpse of an extra-terrestrial to back it up. You should leave mathematical theory and engineering drawings to someone able to understand them and whom you trust. We can't handle it; every time we stick our heads up, somebody takes a shot at us and we have no way to fight back. It's a job that may require our whole race. Well? Is there a man you can trust as your professional executor?"

"Well... one, perhaps. Not my field of geometry but brilliant. He did write me a most encouraging letter when I published my first paper-the paper that was so sneered at by almost everyone except your cousin and this one other. Professor Seppo Rãikannonen. Turku. Finland."

"Are you certain he's not an alien?"

"What? He's been on the faculty at Turku for years! Over fifteen."

I said, "Jacob... that is about how long Professor Brain was around."

"But-" My husband looked around at me and suddenly smiled. "Hilda my love, have you ever taken sauna?"

"Once."

"Then tell our Captain why I am sure that my friend Seppo is not an alien in disguise. 1-Deety and I-attended a professional meeting in Helsinki last year. After the meeting we visited their summer place in the Lake Country... and

took sauna with them." -

"Papa, Mama, and three kids." agreed Deety. "Unmistakably human."

"Brainy' was a bachelor," I added thoughtfully. "Cap'n Zebbie, wouldn't disguised aliens have to be bachelors?"

"Or single women. Or pseudo-married couples. No kids, the masquerade wouldn't hold up. Jake, let's try to phone your friend. Mmm, nearly breakfast time in Finland-or we may wake him. That's better than missing him."

"Good! My comcredit number is Nero Aleph-"

"Let's try mine. Yours might trigger something... if 'Black Hats' are as smart as I think they are. Smart Girl."

"Yes, Boss."

"Don Ameche."

"To hear is to obey, 0 Mighty One."

"Deety, you've been giving Gay bad habits."

Shortly a flat male voice answered, "The communications credit number you have cited is not a valid number. Please refer to your card and try again. This is a recording."

Zebbie made a highly unlikely suggestion. "Gay can't send out my comcredit code incorrectly; she has it tell-me-three-times. The glitch is in their system. Pop, we have to use yours."