Terry Pratchett - The Bromeliad 2 - Diggers

The human pulled at the gate and swung it enough to allow itself inside.

"It's going to the manager's office," said Sacco. "It's going to make noises in the telephone."

"No, it's not," Dorcas prophesied.

"But it will be ringing up Order," said Sacco. "It'll be saying, in Human, I mean, it'll be saying, Some of Our Wheels Have Gone Flat."

"No," said Dorcas, "It'll be saying, Why Doesn't the Telephone Work?"

"Why doesn't the telephone work?" said Nooty.

"Because I know which wires to cut," said Dorcas. "Look, it's coming back out."

They watched it walk around the sheds. The snow had covered the nomes'

sad attempts at cultivation. There were plenty of nome tracks, though, like little bird trails in the snow. The human didn't notice them. Humans hardly ever noticed anything.

"Trip wires," said Grimma.

"What?" said Dorcas,

"Trip wires. We should put trip wires down. The bigger they are," said Grimma, "the harder they fall."

"Not on us, I hope," said Dorcas.

"No. We could put more nails down," said Grimma.

"Good grief."

The humans clustered around the stricken truck. Then they appeared to reach a decision and walked back to the Land-Rover. They got in. Itcouldn't go forward, but reversed slowly down the dirt road, turnedaround in a field gateway, and headed back to the main road. The bigtruck was left alone.

Dorcas breathed out.

"I was afraid one of them would stay," he said.

"They'll come back," said Grimma. "You've always said it. Humans'll come back and mend the wheels or whatever it is they do."

"Then we'd better get on with it," said Dorcas. "Come on, everybody."

He stood up and trotted toward the road. To Sacco's surprise, Dorcas was whistling under his breath.

"Now, the important thing is to make sure they Gan't move it," he said as they ran to keep up. "If Aey can't move it, it means it stays blocking the dirt road. And if it stays blocking the dirt road, they can't get any more machines in."

"Good thinking," said Grimma, in a slightly puzzled voice.

"We must immobilize it," said Dorcas. "We'll take out the battery first.

No electricity, no go."

"Right," said Sacco.

"It's a big square thing," said Sacco, "It'll need eight of you at least.

Don't drop it, whatever you do."

"Why not?" said Grimma. "We want to smash it, don't we?"

"Er. Er. Er," said Dorcas urgently, like a motor trying to get started.

"No, because, because it could be dangerous. Yes. Dangerous. Yes.

Because, because, because of the acid and whatnot. You must take it outvery carefully, and I'll find somewhere safe to put it. Yes. Very safe.

Off you go now. Two men to a wrench."

They trotted off.

"What else can we do?" said Grimma.

"We'd better drain the gas out," said Dorcas firmly as they walked underthe shadow of the truck. It was much smaller than the one that had brought them out of the Store, but still quite big enough. He wanderedaround until he was under the enormous swelling bulk of the gas tank.

Four of the young nomes had dragged an empty can out of the bushes.

Dorcas called them over and pointed to the tank above them.

"There must be a nut on there somewhere," he said. "It'll be to let thestuff out. Get a wrench around it. Make sure the can's underneath it first!"

They nodded enthusiastically and got to work. Nomes are good climbers andremarkably strong for their size.

"And try not to spill any, please!" Dorcas shouted up after them.

"I don't see why that matters," said Grimma, behind him. "All we wantto do is get it out of the truck. Where it goes doesn't matter, does it?"

She gave him another thoughtful look. Dorcas blinked back at her, hismind racing.

"Ah," he said. "Ah. Ah. Because. Becausebecausebecause. Ah. Becauseit's dangerous stuff. We don't want it polluting things, do we? Best toput it carefully in a can and-"

"Keep it safe?" said Grimma suspiciously.

"Right! Right," said Dorcas, who was starting to sweat. "Good idea. Nowlet's just go over here ..." He led Grimma away.

There was sudden rush of air and a thump from right behind them. Thetruck's battery landed where they had been standing.

"Sorry, Dorcas," Sacco called down. "It was a lot heavier than wethought. It got away from us."

"You idiots!" Grimma shouted.

"Yes, you idiots!" shouted Dorcas. "You might have damaged it! Just you come down here right now and get it into the hedge, quickly!"

He might have damaged us!" said Grimma. Yes. Yes. Yes, that's what Imeant, of course," said Dorcas vaguely. "You wouldn't mind organizingthem a bit, would you? They're good boys, but always a little tooenthusiastic, if you know what I mean."

He wandered off into the shadow, his head tilted backward.

"Well!" said Grimma. She looked around at Sacco and his friends, who were sheepishly climbing down again.

"Don't just stand there," she said. "Get it into the hedge. Hasn't Dorcas told you about using levers? Very important things. It's amazing what you can do with levers. We used them a lot on the Long Drive ..."

Her voice trailed off. She turned and looked at the distant figure of Dorcas and her eyes narrowed. The cunning old devil is up to something, she thought.

"Oh, just get on with it," she said, and ran after Dorcas.

He was standing under the truck's engine, staring up intently into the masses of rusting pipework. As she came up she distinctly heard him say,

"Now, what else do we need?" "What do you mean, need?" said Grimma quietly.

"Oh, to help the Ca-" Dorcas stopped, and turned around slowly. "I mean, what else do we need to do to make the thing totally immobile," he said stonily. "That was what I meant." "You're not planning to drive this truck, are you?" said Grimma. "Don't be silly. Where'd we go? It'd never get across the fields to the barn."

"Well. All right, then."

"I just want to have a look around it. Time spent collecting knowledge is never wasted," said Dorcas primly. He stepped out into the light on the other side of the truck and looked up.

"Well, well," he said. "What is it?"

"They left the door open. I suppose they thought it was all right because they'd be coming back." Grimma followed his gaze. The truck's door was slightly ajar.

Dorcas looked around at the hedge behind them.

"Help me find a big enough stick," he said. "I reckon we could climb up there and have a look around."

"A look around? What do you expect to find?"

"You never know till you've looked," said Dorcas philosophically. Hepeered back underneath the truck.

"How are you all doing under there? We need a hand here."

Sacco staggered up. "We managed to get the battery thing behind thehedge," he said, "and the can's nearly full. Smells horrible. There'sstill lots coming out."

"Can you get the screw back in?"

"Nooty tried and she got all covered in yuk."

"Let it go on the road, then," said Dorcas.

"Hang on, you said that would be dangerous," said Grimma. "It's dangerousuntil you've filled the can up, is it, and then not dangerous at all?"

"Look, you wanted me to stop the truck and I've stopped the truck," saidDorcas. "So just shut up, will you?"

Grimma looked at him in horror.

"What did you say?" she said.

Dorcas swallowed. Oh, well. If you were going to get shouted at, youmight as well get your money's worth.

"I said just shut up," he said quietly. "I don't want to be rude, but youdo go on at people. I'm sorry, but that's how it is. I'm helping you. I'mnot asking you to help me, but at least you can let me get on with thingsinstead of badgering me the whole time. And you never say please or thankyou, either. People are a little like machines," he added solemnly, whileher face went redder, "and words like please and thank you are just likegrease. They make them work better. Is that all right?" He turned to theboys, who were looking embarrassed.