Harlan Ellison - Spider Kiss

Thoughts. By Sheldon Morgenstern. Flagellant.

Then finally, a rationale. A means through the maze.

The labyrinth develops a pattern, and an emergence into some sort of sanity. Shelly said to himself:

I’ve got to get out. I’ve been as bad as he, and for what? I’ve got a car and a woman who isn’t a woman and no soul of my own.

He lit a cigarette, alone there on the plain of his thoughts, with the wind of remorse whistling in and out, lifting his hair lightly, then dying down, allowing the heat off those plains to bake out his thoughts.

I’ve got to get out. It’s been so long, too long, too hard the way I’ve done it. Poppa. You knew, didn’t you? You knew, Pop. You wanted me to be something I could never be, but you knew. You wanted me to stay away from this life with its substitutes.

Substitute hipness for emotions, substitute sharp clothes and possessions for work that matters, that keeps a guy clean, substitute cigarettes for muscles. Bad, it’s all bad. The people I dig, the places I go, the whole scene. It stinks. It’s like a pool of swamp water somebody dumped old factory chemicals into, and one day a monster comes out of the slime. That’s what the kid is. He’s a slime-thing I created with Freeport and the hip scene. He’s a product, that’s all. He’s no damn good, but he’s only what we made him. And how good can I be if I can stand still for a creation like that?

No good, that’s how good. No earthly good.

I’ve got to get free.

Then Joe Costanza walked up to the table. He stared down at Shelly for a while, wondering just how a man’s eyes could go watery and glazed like that. Then he turned to Jeanie Friedel, and she shrugged softly, worry there, and bit her underlip again. She was out of touch, and so was Joe Costanza. Shelly’s cigarette hung unnoticed in his mouth, the ash dangling … then a crevice in the gray matter … and it tumbled scattering all over his jacket, the table and into his drink.

Costanza said, very softly, “Shelly?”

No answer. How deep a man must go, sometimes, to see himself and the leech world that feeds off him.

“Shel? Hey, Shelly?”

A rustle, a shift, and the eyes returned, bringing with them reason and the man. Back from himself. Shivering.

Shelly’s eyes focused and he looked at Jean without realizing Joe Costanza was there; then, as her mood and the level of her eyes indicated something was different, he moved his head slightly and caught sight of his assistant. “Uh. Oh, yeah, Joe.” Weary. Very weary. A long trip. An unpleasant ride. “What’s the matter, Joe?”

Costanza spoke gently, as though realizing he was dealing with a tired voyager (an invalid?), “There was a call for you, Shelly. Carlene at your place. She asked for you, and said it was important. I think she wants you to come home for something. I figured you’d be in the nearest bar.”

He was sorry he had added the last.

But it went over Shelly’s head.

“Thanks, Joe.” Absently. Very absently. There were greater problems than Carlene, the woman who was not a woman. “I’ll call her.”

Costanza left, and Shelly excused himself for a moment.

When he reached her, all she said, coolly, was, “Would you come up for a minute; I’d like to tell you something.”

He said he would cab over, and hung up.

Jean sat waiting, her glass almost empty. “Your cigarette’s out.”

He threw the dead butt into the ashtray and asked, “Will you wait here? It’ll only take me a half hour or so. I don’t know what’s up, but I’d like to talk to someone. Carlene won’t do. Will you wait?”

She nodded. “I’ll have a couple more. Take your time. I’ll be here when you get back.” She didn’t smile. It wasn’t the time.

Shelly left the bar, blinking into the sun, and caught a cab on 47th Street.

When he got to the building he realized his mind had been dead all through the cab ride. Safety valve. Don’t blow the fuses. Automatic switch-off, cut-in circuits, save the total mechanism, don’t burn out.

When he unlocked the door, he knew instantly what Carlene had to tell him. The bags were packed, the matching set of steel-gray Samsonite plane luggage. Packed, by the door. She was dressed in a severe navy blue suit with a small white pill-box hat squarely on the top of her head. She sat with her legs crossed, smoking, the apartment very clean, all the ashtrays save the one she used as clean as when she had come to Shelly.

He closed the door and walked across to the chair facing the sofa, where she sat. He put himself lightly into the chair, and waited for her to speak. He knew it, so why not let her present it in her own way?

“I’ve got to be going, Shelly,” she said. Oddly, she was nervous about it, hesitant, as though she was doing something she was ashamed of relating. But that was out of character for her.

How could a toaster apologize for popping up the toast?

How could a gum-ball machine say I’m sorry for issuing a gum-ball and a penny prize?

How could an IBM cluck regrets at its encoding processes?

She was leaving, as he knew she would one day, and she was departing from her giving-without-giving character by being ashamed (was that what it was?) in front of him.

Shelly sighed a sigh of finality. It was over, this part of it, and he didn’t care. He had come to terms with himself in the bar. He knew who he was, at last; and that meant recognition, nomenclature, for everything and everyone around him. He knew what she was, and he could not muster up honest regret that she was going.

“Okay, I suppose that takes care of it. Do you need anything? Need any money?” He made a tentative move to his wallet. She stopped him with a half-completed motion.

“No … no, I’m all right. I—I just wanted you to know I had to leave, I had to go, Shelly. It didn’t seem right to just pick up and move out without saying something.”

There was no more. They didn’t say Well, take care of yourself or Let me hear from you, or even It’s been interesting. It was all said imperceptibly by her embarrassment, and his silence, his acquiescence. He understood and so did she.

He had a suspicion where she was going, into whose home and whose arms she was placing herself. Even that didn’t matter; in fact, it was fitting and proper.

Then she left, and Shelly smoked a cigarette.

It was just another facet of the life that had equipped and aimed him for the creation of something like a Stag Preston.

Her leaving was the severing of another link with the hip, clipster past he had come to despise in the past few months, so flamingly the last few hours.

He made a conclusion about the animals in Jungle York:

It’s true. Animals can sniff each other out. Best of all the human animals. They always seek their own kind. A jackal knows another jackal by the little signs, the smells. And when an animal has mistaken a changeling for one of its own kind, it bolts away when it recognizes the shift away from that kind of beast. When an animal changes, its mates and friends slink away. Don’t be near the sinking sinner. It can be contagious, this reverting.

She must have smelled it on me the last few months. The loss of hipness. It was enough to drive her away. I’ve lost my hunting, my prowling, and my hunting prowling partners.

What was it the poet said: sniffing strange. That has to be it. They go away.

There must be some hope for me. I must be getting well, if they bolt away. I must be getting well.

Then he put out the cigarette, put out the lights, closed the door to the apartment, and took a long walk halfway to the lounge where Jean Friedel waited, promising nothing.

He took a cab the rest of the way, received a great deal from her, and even gave a bit of himself, for the first time in so long he could not remember the last time it had happened. And he spent the night at a married friend’s house, sleeping on a sofa the man and his wife had fixed. It was not entirely a good night’s sleep, and he smoked too many cigarettes, but the next morning was clear, very clear, and he felt as though he might like to take a walk in the morning air.